Lists

5 Movies Better Left as Video Games

Lists 10 Comments »

final fantasy the spirits within

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, while maybe not so awful it would make you want rip out your eyes with wasabi-tipped chopsticks, it is most certainly way overhyped. Even A-list celebrities (Alec Baldwin, Ving Rhames, and Steve Buscemi) and state of the art CGI aren’t enough to make this movie watchable more than once. A bland story line that’s not up to par with any of the games makes me wish that I hadn’t doled out my eight bucks to see this in the theater.

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Horror

Review of Eraserhead

Horror 4 Comments »

Rating: ★★★★½☆☆☆☆☆

Review

Poor fellow Henry Spencer has knocked up Mary X and her insane parents insist that he now has to do the right thing. The only problem is, the baby is a weird mutant sheep thing, incessantly crying and getting a disgustiing cough every ten seconds. Yech!! What’s a guy to do but escape into a fantasy world of, well, imaginary seed pod worms, gigantic sperm, and mash potato-cheeked singing whores? That’s what, I guess.

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Thriller

Review of Dementia 13

Thriller 5 Comments »

Rating: ★★½☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

If you’ve ever wondered, “I wonder what  Francis Ford Coppola was doing before The Godfather, one of the greatest films in history of people making films ever?”, then look no further than Dementia 13. Yes, folks, from low budget b-film to “Greatest Filmmaker Ever” in under a decade. You, too, can start out making “Adult Features”, work your way into “Cult Horror”, and then go on to define a genre. But most likely not. D-13 is not a terrible movie; it’s got that “a director was here” feel to it, with some nifty camera angles and a couple of cool shots, but for every glimpse of a promising director, you have two moments of a drunken screenwriter. I was either too intoxicated or not intoxicated enough to understand what was going on. Read the rest of this entry »

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Comedy

Review of Terminal USA

Comedy 8 Comments »

Rating: ★★★★★☆☆☆☆☆

Review

Kazumi (Jon Moritsugu) and his girlfriend, Eightball, are just trying to make it by until the next score while his mom chats up the pizza boy, dad prepares for armageddon, brother Marvin discovers his sexuality, and sister Holly makes plans for a getaway. Bizarre, bloody, and gut-bustingly hilarious, Terminal USA is the best cult film ever made that you may never see. With zero distribution and cult video stores falling off the face of the planet, this gem will most likely slip further into cult obscurity (which is way worse than regular obscurity).

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Horror

Review of Izo

Horror 2 Comments »

Rating: ★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

Izo is a demonic schizophrenic misogynist ronin killing machine with the ability to time travel. Izo is bent on reaching his goal of achieving “divine retribution,” no matter how many people he has to kill in horrible, horrible ways. The blood does not stop in this movie, be it from decapitation or sex. No one is immune from Izo’s wrath – just ask his mother or the garbage men. Read the rest of this entry »

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