Horror

Review of Manos: The Hands of Fate

Horror Comments Off on Review of Manos: The Hands of Fate

Manos - The Hands of FateRating: ★½☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

This is one of those movies that is so bad that you HAVE to see it. Seriously, there is a reason that Manos: Hands of Fate has been named as the worst movie of all time. Bad music, bad acting, bad camera work, terribly boring driving sequences – Manos has it all!
The premise of the movie is a small family (husband, wife, and daughter) are on a roadtrip vacation. However, everything goes awry when they stop at a small inn to ask for directions. They meet Torgo, the goatman-esque secretary, and end up having to stay the night. NO MORE FUN VACATION! “The Master” shows up, who looks like Frank Zappa and wears a ridiculous robe, and torments the family like crazy.

Reason to Watch

If you sit through Manos: Hands of Fate, you will be a B-Movie master. It is infamously bad! However, the character of Torgo provides wonderful comedic relief. Whenever he enters the screen, his theme song is played. Plus he is delightful with his humongous fake knees and wobbly voice.

Context

Manos was filmed in the sixties, a time when many low quality horror films were being churned out. However, Manos takes the crown as being perhaps the worst movie OF ALL TIME.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

“The M-M-M-Master would not approve.”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

To get through this movie you will need vodka strained seven times through a Brita filter for maximum potency. You will also need four shots of espresso. Drink the vodka until the movie makes sense, and take an espresso shot every time a long driving sequence is initiated so you don’t bore yourself to sleep.

Trivia

Torgo’s theme song was inspired by the life and times of Harriet S. Tubman.

Educational Content

Manos teaches us that getting your hand burned will kill you.

Justification for Rating

Manos gets just half of a point for being a pure pile of poop, but also one bonus point for Torgo, his theme song, and The Master’s wild robes. Hence, two points.

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Horror

Review of 100 Tears

Horror 9 Comments »

Rating: ★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

Ah, clowns. For all of the joy and laughter they attempt to bring to children and adults alike, one just cannot help but be creeped out by them. Perhaps it’s the incessant, unwavering smile; it makes it impossible to gauge their emotions, so we see them as sociopathic machines. Maybe it’s the ingrained fear that they are all John Wayne Gacy under the white face and red nose. Regardless of the reason, clowns are fucking scary, and Director Marcus Koch takes advantage of this fact in his 2007 film, 100 Tears.
Gurdy is the king badass of your killer clown genre. Using a cartoon-sized meat cleaver, he out-butchers Pennywise, the Killer Klowns from Outer Space, and Pogo the Clown combined, and within the first quarter of the movie. Killing with indifference, Gurdy mercilessly disembowels girls, slaughters invalids, and tortures teens for the length of the movie. And it never gets old.
Sure, there’s more story to the story (something about tabloid reporters and midgets), but 100 Tears’ true brilliance shines through in the relentless blood-letting and the quite believable and disgusting special effects and makeup. No CGI here, kids; this movie is filled with good, old-fashioned latex-head decapitations and fake-blood bonanzas.

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News

Mechanical Turk Reviews

News 1 Comment »

Mechanical TurksA few months ago we began experimenting with Amazon’s Mechanical Turk program. Basically, what the service does is allow users to upload a set of tasks and then pay users small fees to complete the tasks. The service was designed to help folk with repetitive tasks that are pretty simple for humans, but extremely difficult for computers. Most of the tasks  are things like “Describe this picture above” or “Is the item above suitable for users under the age of 18?” Human Intelligence Tasks (HITs) are paid by the answer, normally tiny little amounts like $0.01 per HIT or something like that. I don’t know why people sign up and do this, but they do… I guess it’s slightly more productive than playing with your facebook farm during lunch. ANYWAY, we decided to try it out on content generation. The idea was that we would create HITs that were vastly more complex than the normal ones. We asked the Tukers to actually watch our movies that we store here on the site for reviews, then using our review format, write a well thought-out review. The kicker? We offered $1 per review! Now, strangely enough some of them actually came out pretty well, but that wasn’t the best part. What was even better than the good, were the bad. Some of them were SO bad that we’ve decided to share them with you here on the site. Over the next few weeks we’ll be recording one of our interns, Mr. Adam Ballzee, try and read you some of the best of the worst, then edit and upload them for your enjoyment.

– Greg

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Documentary

Review of Koyaanisqatsi

Documentary 6 Comments »

Rating: ★★★★★☆☆☆☆☆

Review

Koyaanisqatsi is a little harder to review than most. There are no characters and no dialogue and no blatant plot. It is at times beautiful, at others sad, and at still other times terrifying or disgusting. Koyaanisqatsi is simply a film of the world, her people, and what they have done and will do to perpetuate life. It is moving art; slow, meandering shots of the beautiful California deserts, juxtaposed against the super-fast everyday life at a hot dog packaging plant, transitioning into crowds of people herding in and out of shopping malls like the cattle we can sometimes emulate, and all set to an absolutely haunting Philip Glass score. Though perhaps a hard movie to watch with your dude-bros on a Friday night while sipping some brewskies, Koyaanisqatsi is great for those nights when you are alone and wanting to experience your very own introspective nightmare. Read the rest of this entry »

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Horror

Review of Blood Feast

Horror 4 Comments »

Rating: ★½☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

If I told you that a movie had blood, guts, gore, and a Playboy model, you would probably be pretty excited, right? Don’t pull your pants down just yet: Blood Feast is an abomination of all that is horrific.

Fuad Ramses is the proprietor of an Egyptian catering business when said Playmate’s mom rings up and asks him to prepare something… different. Ramses, of course, suggests something… Egyptian: an Egyptian Feast! Little does any know (although they should, given that they explain to everyone at every chance possible exactly what an Egyptian Feast consists of), all of the murders that have been happening lately are just Ramses collecting the ingredients for said feast. Good thing your typical Keystone Cops are on the case (yeesh!). Read the rest of this entry »

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