Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Review

Ah, clowns. For all of the joy and laughter they attempt to bring to children and adults alike, one just cannot help but be creeped out by them. Perhaps it’s the incessant, unwavering smile; it makes it impossible to gauge their emotions, so we see them as sociopathic machines. Maybe it’s the ingrained fear that they are all John Wayne Gacy under the white face and red nose. Regardless of the reason, clowns are fucking scary, and Director Marcus Koch takes advantage of this fact in his 2007 film, 100 Tears.
Gurdy is the king badass of your killer clown genre. Using a cartoon-sized meat cleaver, he out-butchers Pennywise, the Killer Klowns from Outer Space, and Pogo the Clown combined, and within the first quarter of the movie. Killing with indifference, Gurdy mercilessly disembowels girls, slaughters invalids, and tortures teens for the length of the movie. And it never gets old.
Sure, there’s more story to the story (something about tabloid reporters and midgets), but 100 Tears’ true brilliance shines through in the relentless blood-letting and the quite believable and disgusting special effects and makeup. No CGI here, kids; this movie is filled with good, old-fashioned latex-head decapitations and fake-blood bonanzas.

Reason to Watch

For Tampans, 100 Tears is a must-watch as it is filmed locally in Tampa and Gibsonton. For everyone else, watch it for the multiple disembowlings. Does one need more than that?

Context

This film is Koch’s first since his 1997 low-budget punk-gore film, Rot. If someone wants to see what a difference digital recording is making for low-budget filmmakers, watch the two of these movies back-to-back.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

“I wanna kill, Daddy.”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

Cotton Candy Drink: 1 oz butterscotch schnapps, Mountain Dew Citrus Soda & ice cubes Add Butterscotch Schnapps and Mountain Dew to ice cubes in a Collins glass. Stir and serve. Or Cotton Candy: 2 oz Malibu Coconut Rum 1 oz peach schnapps pink lemonade Pour the Malibu rum and peach schnapps into a cocktail glass. Fill with pink lemonade, or add to taste, and serve.

Trivia

Director Marcus Koch was awesome enough to do an interview for CultFlicks! (Coming Soon… )

Educational Content

1. No matter how many people you kill in a movie, it just does not get old if there is enough blood and fake entrails.
2. Girls who cut themselves do it because of daddy issues
3. Do not go down on a random girl in an alley. Ever.
4. Gore movies with hot actresses do not always show tits.

Justification for Rating

Three stars for the gore, one for the clown, and one for the midget. Then I had to subtract a star for the lack of nudity in this NC-17 film.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBmnE2jyKk8

Related posts:

1. Review of Blood Feast
2. Review of Izo

A few months ago we began experimenting with Amazon’s Mechanical Turk program. Basically, what the service does is allow users to upload a set of tasks and then pay users small fees to complete the tasks. The service was designed to help folk with repetitive tasks that are pretty simple for humans, but extremely difficult for computers. Most of the tasks  are things like “Describe this picture above” or “Is the item above suitable for users under the age of 18?” Human Intelligence Tasks (HITs) are paid by the answer, normally tiny little amounts like $0.01 per HIT or something like that. I don’t know why people sign up and do this, but they do… I guess it’s slightly more productive than playing with your facebook farm during lunch. ANYWAY, we decided to try it out on content generation. The idea was that we would create HITs that were vastly more complex than the normal ones. We asked the Tukers to actually watch our movies that we store here on the site for reviews, then using our review format, write a well thought-out review. The kicker? We offered $1 per review! Now, strangely enough some of them actually came out pretty well, but that wasn’t the best part. Was was even better than the good, were the bad. Some of them were SO bad that we’ve decided to share them with you here on the site. Over the next few weeks we’ll be recording one of our interns, Mr. Adam Ballzee, try and read you some of the best of the worst, then edit and upload them for your enjoyment.

The Cultflicks.net Staff

No related posts.

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Review

Koyaanisqatsi is a little harder to review than most. There are no characters and no dialogue and no blatant plot. It is at times beautiful, at others sad, and at still other times terrifying or disgusting. Koyaanisqatsi is simply a film of the world, her people, and what they have done and will do to perpetuate life. It is moving art; slow, meandering shots of the beautiful California deserts, juxtaposed against the super-fast everyday life at a hot dog packaging plant, transitioning into crowds of people herding in and out of shopping malls like the cattle we can sometimes emulate, and all set to an absolutely haunting Philip Glass score. Though perhaps a hard movie to watch with your dude-bros on a Friday night while sipping some brewskies, Koyaanisqatsi is great for those nights when you are alone and wanting to experience your very own introspective nightmare.

Reason to Watch

Koyaanisqatsi will make you feel like a piece of trash for doing nothing else other than waking up a human being this morning. What are you doing to this planet and your fellow man, pitiful human?!

Context

Made in 1982, what better time to start thinking about what you’re doing to yourself and the earth with that Aqua Net hairspray and that eightball of coke, dude?

Most memorable quote(s)

• “Koyaanisqatsi.”

What you need to get through this movie

Though it will most likely induce vomiting as penance for all the terrible things mankind has done throughout the ages and cause you to get stuck under a coffee table in fear for your life, your future, and your sanity, CultFlicks.net recommends tea with milk and four sugar cubes of lysergic acid diethylamide.

Trivia

Each movie in this trilogy was produced by a different pretentious director, Koyaanisqatsi by Francis Ford Coppola, of Dementia 13 fame.

Educational Content

1. Abandoned tenement housing will make even the biggest galoot cry like a premature crack baby.
2. You raped this planet!
3. Old men and Vegas showgirls are the most disgusting people you will ever be forced to stare at for five minutes a stretch.
4. Philip Glass is a God.
5. Repetitive tasks played at high speeds induces self-sacrificial vomiting.
6. Some movies are equally good while sober and while in altered states of consciousness.

Justification for Rating

Koyaanisqatsi gets five stars for shutting the Hell up for an hour and a half.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzsmU5sXM1M

No related posts.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Review

If I told you that a movie had blood, guts, gore, and a Playboy model, you would probably be pretty excited, right? Don’t pull your pants down just yet: Blood Feast is an abomination of all that is horrific.

Fuad Ramses is the proprietor of an Egyptian catering business when said Playmate’s mom rings up and asks him to prepare something… different. Ramses, of course, suggests something… Egyptian: an Egyptian Feast! Little does any know (although they should, given that they explain to everyone at every chance possible exactly what an Egyptian Feast consists of), all of the murders that have been happening lately are just Ramses collecting the ingredients for said feast. Good thing your typical Keystone Cops are on the case (yeesh!).

Reason to Watch

Though the acting is deplorable, the sound is terrible, and the direction is weak, there are a couple of scenes of absolute gore which save this from being a complete waste of time.

Most memorable quote(s)

• “Well Frank, it looks like one of those long hard ones!”
• “Ramses was the killer we’ve been looking for. Mrs. Fremont, I’m afraid this feast is evidence of murder!” “Oh dear! The guests will have to eat hamburgers for dinner tonight.”

What you need to get through this movie

With it’s grossly inept police officers, one dozen jelly donuts, a pot of coffee per person, and some cocaine planted on a minority is absolutely required to survive this Blood Feast.

Trivia

This piece of trash was (poorly) edited by Robert Sinise, the father of Lt. Dan himself, Gary Sinise.

Educational Content

1. You can pull someone’s tongue out if you pull hard enough, and it’s a good way to keep them from screaming.
2. Cops are stupid. Trust me.
3. Ancient Egyptians were white.
4. No matter how obvious your plot, it’s always best to be completely sure that no one is left in the cold by having every detail explained at the end by the detective who was never even once hot on the perpetrator’s tail.
5. If you join an occult book club, you will lose body parts for stew.

Justification for Rating

Though made of pure suck, there is a good amount of blood and guts to squeeze out the one and one-half stars we give it.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQEQ_RVClrY

Related posts:

1. Review of A Bucket of Blood
2. Review of 100 Tears
3. 10 Bad Movies You Didn’t Know You Loved

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, while maybe not so awful it would make you want rip out your eyes with wasabi-tipped chopsticks, it is most certainly way overhyped. Even A-list celebrities (Alec Baldwin, Ving Rhames, and Steve Buscemi) and state of the art CGI aren’t enough to make this movie watchable more than once. A bland story line that’s not up to par with any of the games makes me wish that I hadn’t doled out my eight bucks to see this in the theater.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnE64DbnUzY

Street Fighter: The Movie

This movie is so bad that I truly believe that it killed my beloved Raul Julia. If you have ever played the Street Fighter series, you already know the plot. A couple of gay guys in their blue and red karate outfits “hadouken” their way in and out of trouble with one-eyed warlords and eccentric generals obsessed with the love of world damnation (domination?) and super-science.  Somehow a star at the time, the very Belgian and also probably very gay Jean-Claude Van Damme plays the Super American “Colonel Guile”. Much like the game, when this is on I have to watch but then soon realize why I hate it – it just goes on and on with no point, fighting the same fight, and doing the same damn cheat moves. DAMN YOU RYU!!!!!!

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=avXsM2n2oqg

Double Dragon

Ah, 1994. A great time! Clinton was in the White House, Phil Hartman was still alive, and Kurt Cobain’s head was splattered all over his garage. What wasn’t great was the live-action movie of one of the greatest NES games of all time. The Double Dragon movie is so bad that anytime I even hear about it, I force carnal thoughts of Cloris Leachman upon myself just to get the thought of it out of my mind. The only thing that saves this from being the worst video game movie ever is Alyssa Milano and the creepy burn victim Bo Abobo saying, “Wut Up Chikin Butt?”.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qa8eF3VLDsE

Super Mario Brothers

Here’s an idea: take the most iconic video game franchise ever and see what happens if we let the guys who brought us Max Headroom make a movie out of it and see what happens. I’ll tell you what will happen: it will suck, and not just in that “Hey, did you just see that Adam Sandler movie?” way. I mean really suck, like you’re stuck in line for the bathroom at an all-you-can-eat taco bar and the guy in front of you is Louie Anderson. Nothing in this movie made any sense. Dennis Hopper was freaking King Koopa. The studio would have done better if they went to a costume store, bought a Godzilla outfit, and paid a bum with Olde English 800 and McRib sandwiches to run around saying “Rawww”. I would rather go to an autoerotic asphyxiation party with Patty Hurst and the guys from INXS than have to watch this again.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cd-h8q-C58k

Mortal Kombat 2: Annihilation

This is it! Not only the worst video game movie I have ever seen, it’s in the running for worst movie ever made. Mortal Kombat 2 is so bad that it is said it was used as a torture device at Guantanamo Bay until it was deemed too cruel for human viewing. While I have no proof of this, I think the director stole 80% of the budget and ran to Mexico for a huge Coke party and left his duties to a 9-year-old Filipino Down’s syndrome kid on twenty hits of acid. While in theory this may sound like a way to get a box office smash, in practice, it’s not so good. May death come swiftly to those who watch this.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HbNLiR1trY

Related posts:

1. Review Mortal Kombat
2. 10 Bad Movies You Didn’t Know You Loved
3. The Definitive Top Ten Halloween Movies

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

Review

Poor fellow Henry Spencer has knocked up Mary X and her insane parents insist that he now has to do the right thing. The only problem is, the baby is a weird mutant sheep thing, incessantly crying and getting a disgustiing cough every ten seconds. Yech!! What’s a guy to do but escape into a fantasy world of, well, imaginary seed pod worms, gigantic sperm, and mash potato-cheeked singing whores? That’s what, I guess.

Reason to Watch

Eraserhead is another cult film right of passage. Before I saw this, I thought movies were movies and art was art, and never the twain shall meet. Eraserhead changed my perspective, all right.

Context

The late seventies is when the midnight movie came into being, and Eraserhead, along with El Topo, is the seminal midnight arthouse movie.

Most memorable quote(s)

• “It’s deformed, but it’s a baby.”
• “Do I just, uh, cut them up like regular chickens?”
• “Did you and Mary have sexual intercourse?”
• “In Heaven, evrything is fine.”
• “OKAY, PAUL!!!”
• “You ARE sick.”

What you need to get through this movie

Having watched this movie in virtually all forms of altered states of consciousness, I think this is going to be the rare CultFlicks movies where complete sobriety is acceptable. It’s weird enough to need all of your undivided attention.

Trivia

• The man who controls Henry Spencer’s brain later married Sissy Spacek.
• The baby was laid to rest in a mock funeral and bureid in an unknown location following the completetion of this film.
• The Pixies covered the song performed by the lady in the radiator.

Educational Content

1. There is no need for a condom because the lady in the radiator will step on and kill your sperm for you.
2. Babies are filled with mashed potatoes.
3. Your future mother-in-law is in love with you.

Justification for Rating

It only misses the full five because I can’t find the 108 minute version.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qrl3n2ZtK2E

Related posts:

1. Review of Blood Feast
2. Review of Gallery of Horrors

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Review

If you’ve ever wondered, “I wonder what  Francis Ford Coppola was doing before The Godfather, one of the greatest films in history of people making films ever?”, then look no further than Dementia 13. Yes, folks, from low budget b-film to “Greatest Filmmaker Ever” in under a decade. You, too, can start out making “Adult Features”, work your way into “Cult Horror”, and then go on to define a genre. But most likely not. D-13 is not a terrible movie; it’s got that “a director was here” feel to it, with some nifty camera angles and a couple of cool shots, but for every glimpse of a promising director, you have two moments of a drunken screenwriter. I was either too intoxicated or not intoxicated enough to understand what was going on. For the first quarter of the movie I was convinced it was about a woman trying to cover up the accidental death of her husband so she could get some money, somehow… but then she is killed off by a random bad guy and we’re in a psycho killer plot line, which later changes to a family revenge story. I actually have to recommend this because it is so badly written that you have to see it to believe it, especially considering the man who wrote it went on to the Godfather series and Apocalypse Now.

Reason to Watch

The same writer and director as The Godfather, sixties-sexy underwear, a cool trick ending, and the most confusing plot ever. There is also a scene in which a poacher wanders down a stream looking for rabbits, and is then axe-chopped to death… I’m pretty sure it’s the longest, most boring scene in history -- hysterical.

Context

This is not your typical Roger Corman Edgar Alan Poe film, nor is it another American International teen slasher, and that’s all Coppola. He was only 24 when D-13 was released. I’m way older than that and will never make anything half as good as his first, crappy try.

Most memorable quote(s)

“You can tell she’s been raised on promises.”

What you need to get through this movie

If you are not a pot smoker I would recommend becoming one to get through this film. Or, if you are a pot smoker and who wants to show someone how confusing being high is, make them watch Dementia 13.

Trivia

The film did not live up to American Internationals’ ARKOFF formula (Action, Revolution, Killing, Oratory, Fantasy, and Fornication). In fact, Roger Corman, the producer, stormed out of the film’s first screening because it didn’t have enough axe-murdering. The whole poacher scene was added later (shot by a different director) just to add more Killing. Clearly, one of many poor decisions.

Educational Content

1. Your husband has to be alive in order for you to gain an inheritance.
2. “He’s on business” is a good enough excuse for months of absence.
3. You can perfectly time how long a rope will degrade under water.
4. Doctors are like private investigators, only much more prepared to abuse and torture those they interrogate.
5. Axe murderers seem perfectly normal during the day, being able to converse intelligently and politely, but at night, while murdering, they are babbling insane monsters who make little to no sense.

Justification for Rating

D-13 is not unwatchable… I have to give it 2 and a half stars, one for the directing, one for the trick ending and half for the script.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUe_HqotyH8

Related posts:

1. Review of Izo
2. Review of Bad Girls Go to Hell
3. Review of 100 Tears

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Review

Kazumi (Jon Moritsugu) and his girlfriend, Eightball, are just trying to make it by until the next score while his mom chats up the pizza boy, dad prepares for armageddon, brother Marvin discovers his sexuality, and sister Holly makes plans for a getaway. Bizarre, bloody, and gut-bustingly hilarious, Terminal USA is the best cult film ever made that you may never see. With zero distribution and cult video stores falling off the face of the planet, this gem will most likely slip further into cult obscurity (which is way worse than regular obscurity).

Reason to Watch

If for no other reason, Terminal USA is worth an hour out of your life for Marvin’s bizarre sexual awakening and fetish fulfillment at the hands of a group of violent skinheads.

Context

In 1993, real independent film was not yet considered a viable commodity (Pulp Fiction had not yet been released), so films like this were made on the cheap and then used to prop up wobbly desks. If Terminal USA had waited a year or so, it could easily have been one of the best cult movies ever.

Most memorable quote(s)

• “I am the pervert in the back bedroom!”
• “It’s a load of crap straight out the donkey’s ass!”
• “Confucius say, ‘Hospitals are for pussies.’”
• “You really sizzled my wiener, last night, girlie.”

What you need to get through this movie

With its ability to fit a ton of awesome into less than an hour, shove an “eightball” of lello up the nose to enjoy this film at maximum cool.

Trivia

Jon Moritsugu convinced PBS to finance a documentary about Japanese-Americans and instead made this fictional piece. It did, however, air on PBS between 1994-95.

Educational Content

1. Japanese-Americans can be just as fucked up as any Caucasian one.
2. Rocking horses provide the for the best masturbatory tools.
3. Skinheads will get you and your entire family if you fuck with them.
4. The Asian sex-slave trade is alive and well.
5. Americans can’t tell the difference between Chinks and Japs.
6. That hot phone-sex operator you call is really just a dude in drag. Why he dresses up to talk on the phone, we’ll never know.

Justification for Rating

Terminal USA is nearly perfect in every way. That’s all.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rTHvMfDVBE

Related posts:

1. Review of Izo

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Review

Izo is a demonic schizophrenic misogynist ronin killing machine with the ability to time travel. Izo is bent on reaching his goal of achieving “divine retribution,” no matter how many people he has to kill in horrible, horrible ways. The blood does not stop in this movie, be it from decapitation or sex. No one is immune from Izo’s wrath – just ask his mother or the garbage men.

Reason to Watch

If you have ever wondered what it would be like to kill everyone (and by everyone I mean everyone)… samurai, vampires, yakuza, your mother, teachers, middle-class businessmen, children, old people, young people, large black men, small asian men, midgets, moms, dads, Satan, and Jesus. Just when massive genocide on humanity is starting to get old, Izo shows us his caring side when he bangs out “Mother Nature” then goes back to killing.

Context

Most memorable quote(s)

“Rawwwlllll, Ahhh!”
“Yes, it hurts!”

What you need to get through this movie

Izo is a pretty gory flick so you may need something to get the thought of all the decapitations off your mind, I would suggest a constant loop of “Louie, Louie”, supplemented with two cups of Canadian orphan tears

Trivia

Sitges -- Catalonian International Film Festival -- Best Special effects
Sitges -- Catalonian International Film Festival -- Best Film (Nominated)

Educational Content

1. A vagina is not a good place to sheath a sword
2. Your soulmate will eat your lice
3. Rocks + head = death
4. If you’re going to be near a crazy killer demon, bring a guitar.
5. In Japan, garbage trucks make way for duels.
6. Zombies will let you pass, if you ask nicely
7. Dog and cats like smelly vagina
8. Don’t ever fuck with Izo, Ever!

Justification for Rating

As far as avant-garde, bloodbath, time-swapping samurai movies go, I would have to guess that Izo is up there, but with the confusing storyline and massive plot holes, it gets dropped way down. If you are looking for some serious blood-letting without much thought and the typical slasher flick isn’t doing it for you, Izo just might work. It definitely does not hold back on the shock value or violence.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBq_mZQJ9pI

Related posts:

1. Review of Terminal USA
2. Review of Blood Feast
3. Review of 100 Tears

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Review

Ah, back in the days when they tried to make porn like real movies… A young girl (Linda Lovelace) isn’t quite getting the satisfaction she thinks she should. So when her friend suggests she goes to the doctor to find out what’s wrong, he makes a startling discovery. Her clitoris is way down in the back of her throat. The doctor (Harry Reems), then teaches her the ancient art of the Deep Throat.

Reason to Watch

Linda Lovelace’s ability to control her gag reflex is most impressive.

Context

This is one of the first mainstream hardcore porn films, although tame by today’s standards, is a must see for any cult film afficionado.

Most memorable quote(s)

• “Do you want to get off or blow up a city?”
• “These are expensive treatments you know.”

What you need to get through this movie

Amyl nitrate. This is pornography, duh.

Trivia

Linda Lovelace later claimed she was forced at gunpoint to do these movies.  She contracted Hepatitis due to a blood transfusion she had in her twenties. She would later need a liver transplant.

No related posts.