Horror

Review of Piranha (1978)

Horror, Random Comments Off on Review of Piranha (1978)

Piranha DVD Cover

 

 

 

Rating: ★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Reason to Watch

Piranha are in the water. People shouldn’t go into the water, but they do. Other people know the piranha are there and shouldn’t go in the water to check it out, but they do. Piranha should differentiate between victims and People Who Are Just Evaluating The Situation, but they don’t.

This 1978 film is one of the cheap, scary-but-not-horror movies that were so prevalent then. Most of them were really bad and this one lives up to the standard. The acting is bad, the dialogue is worse and if anything in the plot surprises you, you’re too young to watch this movie. Go back to bed and don’t forget your teddy.

Context

Somebody wanted to make a movie about a killer animal, but all the sexy ones were taken. So were all of the good actors.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • Dumont: People eat fish, Grogan. Fish don’t eat people.
  • Piranhas: Skree, skree, skree
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

A sense of humor or a really slow night on Netflix. But making up dialogue for the piranhas can be fun.

Trivia

In 2010, someone thought it would be a good idea to do a remake in 3-D. Hopefully, the actors had better clothes.

Educational Content
  • Piranha make funny shrieking noises when they attack. Kind of like some people do at a Chinese buffet.
  • If you wear corduroys pulled up to your armpits with a nice wide belt, you’re more likely to get eaten by piranhas.
Justification for Rating

It sucks like a Dyson.
Clip:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoCKGvVlNYM

 

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Review of The Wizard of Oz

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Rating: ★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

Dorothy is a spoiled little girl who lives on a farm in Kansas with her Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. She runs away when the old lady down the street takes her dog (Toto) after he bit her, he escapes and comes back. Scared she will come back for him, they hit the road and eventually (like the pansy ass she is) come running home. But what’s this? There is a tornado and poor Dorothy and Toto can’t get into the shelter (I think they KNEW she was out there and they wanted her to get sucked up).  Anyways… Her and Toto end up flying through the air in the farm house and land with a quaint little “oh” from Dorothy.  They open the door to find a land of rainbows and sunshine, meet the good witch, give all the little munchkins boners, and piss off the bad witch. Sooo… Dorothy has to head out to Emerald City to meet the Wizard of Oz so she can get home. Along the way, she picks up three needy vagrants that also seek help from the Wizard. She manages to keep her dress on and they arrive, only to find out they need the witches broom before the Wizard will consider helping. They kill the bitch, bring back the broom and the Wizard turns out to be a fake then good witch shows up and gives Dorothy some bullshit that she could have went home whenever she wanted. Dorothy clicks her heels and wakes up from a dream, leaving you going WTF… cop out of an ending if you ask me!

Reason to Watch

Because you have children and want to teach them that running away will land them in Munchkin hell with a witch trying to murder their innocent little asses.

Context

For 1939 the graphics of this film were considered cutting edge. Musicals were very popular during that time and all I can say is thank God that phase is over!

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • “I don’t think we are in Kansas anymore”
  • “I’m Melting, I’m Melting”
  • “Auntie Em! Auntie Em!”
  • “There’s no place like home”
  • “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!”
  • “Follow the yellow brick road”

 

Trivia

Judy Garland couldn’t stop giggling while filming the scene in which Dorothy slaps the Cowardly Lion. So the director, Victor Fleming, took her aside and slapped her. She returned to the set and filmed the scene in one take. KUDOS to Victor for that one! Munchkins earned $50 per week, while Toto bagged $125 per week.  L Frank Baum received $75,000 for the rights to his book.

Educational Content

Never trust creepers behind curtains, monkey’s are evil creatures and living on a farm in Kansas would SUCK!

Clip

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aopdD9Cu-So

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Review of Dirty Dancing

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Rating: ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

Dr. Houseman takes his family back to upstate New York’s Catskill Mountains for yet another, exclusive vacation surrounded by people who are paid to kiss their ass. “Baby”, daddy’s little girl, happens upon a little shing-ding the staff is throwing and trys to get accepted into the tribe. Johnny, the head dance instructor, wants nothing to do with the little brat and tries to send her away. Well, spoiled girls aren’t use to being told no, so she keeps coming back. His dancing partner gets knocked up by the bus boy and they find themselves in a pickle. His partner convinces him to give baby a chance and helps teach her a routine they need to perform. Johnny falls for Baby until Baby’s dad finds out about the side action and forbids her to see him again assuming he is the one who knocked up his dancing partner. At the last dinner of the trip, Johnny comes and takes Baby out of the corner daddy made her sit in, daddy finds out it WASN’T him who knocked up his partner, they dance and all is right in the world again.

Reason to Watch

Highly recommended for High School teachers trying to convince their student the feelings they have towards each other are natural and age should not matter.

Context

Made during a time when EVERYBODY was screwing underage girls, so it was okay.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • Nobody puts baby in a corner
  • Go back to your playpen baby
Trivia
  • Johnny is always in dark clothing while Baby is always wearing light colors.
  • They spray painted the trees green because it wasn’t really summer.
Educational Content

The importance of using a CLEAN hanger when performing an abortion in the back room.

Justification for Rating

There are no negative numbers, so I had to go with 0.

Clip

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Horror

Review of Bad Taste

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Peter Jacksons Bad TasteRating: ★★★★★★★☆☆☆

Review

When four members of the New Zealand Astro Investigation and Defence Service (AIDS – well the movie is called bad taste) visit a small town in order to investigate a UFO siting they make some grisly discoveries and unveil a dastardly alien plot. The townsfolk have been murdered by aliens who, it turns out, are from the intergalactic fast food chain Crumb’s Crunchy Delights and human flesh is the delicacy they are seeking. A gore-fest ensues as Derek and his team do battle with the evil aliens. Lots of blood with a large dose of tongue-in cheek humor.

At times the movie has a somewhat amateurish feel but, for me, that just adds to its charm. Given that Peter Jackson made the film largely in his spare time, with the cast made up of friends and a budget tighter than a ducks ass I think a little slack should be cut.

Reason to Watch

Lots of gore, plenty of humor, man-eating aliens and an exploding sheep, what more could you ask for?

Context

Made over a four year period and funded by himself initially and completed with a grant from the New Zealand Film Commission. Peter Jacksons’ first foray into film – enough said really, a birth of a movie great.

Most Memorable Quotes

“I’m a Derek and Dereks don’t run!”

“Why can’t aliens be friendly?”

What You Need To Get Through This Movie

A real late-night beer and friends movie and it is preferable to have already had a few prior to starting the film. A love of gore certainly helps and also those from the US need an understanding that a “mate” has a different meaning outside of the USA. Possibly also a visit to Christians of Facebook to really feel terrible.

Trivia

The film contains the only known cinematic depiction of a sheep being blown up with an anti-tank missile.

Educational Content
  1. People carrying axes are rarely friendly.
  2. Having a bayonet hammered into your heel hurts.
  3. Blood is very slippery so make sure to mop it up before someone gets hurt.
  4. Throwing pine cones at someone who has a chainsaw is likely to be an ineffective form of defence.
  5. Kicking a decapitated torso in the balls accomplishes very little.
Justification for Rating

The film has plenty of gore and enough humorous moments to make-up for some of its’ shortfalls.

Clip

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Horror

Review of The Monster Maker

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Rating: ★★½☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

This 1944 film is about one Dr. Igor Markoff (J. Carrol Naish) who is a mad scientist. He formulates a concoction named acromegaly, which is a kind of virus. This virus when injected into any persons body, causes them to become hideously deformed. The bones get extended and the facial features get distorted.
Markoff is a very unscrupulous person and he injects a famous concert pianist Lawrence (Ralph Morgan) with the virus. He wants to swindle out a fortune from Lawrence in return for an antidote to the virus. He also wants Lawrence to agree to marry his pretty daughter Patricia (Wanda McKay) to him, as she bears a resemblance to his late wife as she appeared in her youth.

Reason to Watch

I was expecting something spectacular to take place in the movie, but ah! it was a rather boring and uniquely worthless waste of time.The pretty Wanda McKay was perhaps the only reason to keep my interest alive.

Context

The move was made in the United States by the Turner Classic Movies in the early 1940s.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

“That cock-and-bull story was already old in Caesar’s days”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

it is weird and hackneyed movie and i would not have been able to sit through the 62 minutes of it had I not kept an abundant supply of Coke and Popcorn with me. The crunchy popcorn kept taking my mind off.

Trivia

Perhaps the most convincing thing about the movie was the mask worn by Lawrence when the acromegaly virus had progressed to an advanced stage. I was reminded of the mask worn by the title character in The Elephant Man (David Lynch).

Educational Content

All the education I got from the film was that there are viruses which can really deform you for life. Mad people have to be kept miles away from research on such projects. I wouldn’t like the world to be inhabited by deformed and scary looking people.

Justification for Rating

I would not have given a rating of 2.3 to the film if it had been a little longer. Thank god for small mercies. It was over in just over an hour so I was spared a long torture.

Clip

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