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5 Movies Better Left as Video Games

Steve — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 14:45:32 +0000

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, while maybe not so awful it would make you want rip out your eyes with wasabi-tipped chopsticks, it is most certainly way overhyped. Even A-list celebrities (Alec Baldwin, Ving Rhames, and Steve Buscemi) and state of the art CGI aren’t enough to make this movie watchable more than once. A bland story line that’s not up to par with any of the games makes me wish that I hadn’t doled out my eight bucks to see this in the theater.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnE64DbnUzY

Street Fighter: The Movie

This movie is so bad that I truly believe that it killed my beloved Raul Julia. If you have ever played the Street Fighter series, you already know the plot. A couple of gay guys in their blue and red karate outfits “hadouken” their way in and out of trouble with one-eyed warlords and eccentric generals obsessed with the love of world damnation (domination?) and super-science. Somehow a star at the time, the very Belgian and also probably very gay Jean-Claude Van Damme plays the Super American “Colonel Guile”. Much like the game, when this is on I have to watch but then soon realize why I hate it – it just goes on and on with no point, fighting the same fight, and doing the same damn cheat moves. DAMN YOU RYU!!!!!!

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=avXsM2n2oqg

Double Dragon

Ah, 1994. A great time! Clinton was in the White House, Phil Hartman was still alive, and Kurt Cobain’s head was splattered all over his garage. What wasn’t great was the live-action movie of one of the greatest NES games of all time. The Double Dragon movie is so bad that anytime I even hear about it, I force carnal thoughts of Cloris Leachman upon myself just to get the thought of it out of my mind. The only thing that saves this from being the worst video game movie ever is Alyssa Milano and the creepy burn victim Bo Abobo saying, “Wut Up Chikin Butt?”.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qa8eF3VLDsE

Super Mario Brothers

Here’s an idea: take the most iconic video game franchise ever and see what happens if we let the guys who brought us Max Headroom make a movie out of it and see what happens. I’ll tell you what will happen: it will suck, and not just in that “Hey, did you just see that Adam Sandler movie?” way. I mean really suck, like you’re stuck in line for the bathroom at an all-you-can-eat taco bar and the guy in front of you is Louie Anderson. Nothing in this movie made any sense. Dennis Hopper was freaking King Koopa. The studio would have done better if they went to a costume store, bought a Godzilla outfit, and paid a bum with Olde English 800 and McRib sandwiches to run around saying “Rawww”. I would rather go to an autoerotic asphyxiation party with Patty Hurst and the guys from INXS than have to watch this again.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cd-h8q-C58k

Mortal Kombat 2: Annihilation

This is it! Not only the worst video game movie I have ever seen, it’s in the running for worst movie ever made. Mortal Kombat 2 is so bad that it is said it was used as a torture device at Guantanamo Bay until it was deemed too cruel for human viewing. While I have no proof of this, I think the director stole 80% of the budget and ran to Mexico for a huge Coke party and left his duties to a 9-year-old Filipino Down’s syndrome kid on twenty hits of acid. While in theory this may sound like a way to get a box office smash, in practice, it’s not so good. May death come swiftly to those who watch this.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HbNLiR1trY

Review of Terminal USA

Casey — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 01:43:51 +0000

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Review

Kazumi (Jon Moritsugu) and his girlfriend, Eightball, are just trying to make it by until the next score while his mom chats up the pizza boy, dad prepares for armageddon, brother Marvin discovers his sexuality, and sister Holly makes plans for a getaway. Bizarre, bloody, and gut-bustingly hilarious, Terminal USA is the best cult film ever made that you may never see. With zero distribution and cult video stores falling off the face of the planet, this gem will most likely slip further into cult obscurity (which is way worse than regular obscurity).

Reason to Watch

If for no other reason, Terminal USA is worth an hour out of your life for Marvin’s bizarre sexual awakening and fetish fulfillment at the hands of a group of violent skinheads.

Context

In 1993, real independent film was not yet considered a viable commodity (Pulp Fiction had not yet been released), so films like this were made on the cheap and then used to prop up wobbly desks. If Terminal USA had waited a year or so, it could easily have been one of the best cult movies ever.

Most memorable quote(s)

“I am the pervert in the back bedroom!”
“It’s a load of crap straight out the donkey’s ass!”
“Confucius say, ‘Hospitals are for pussies.’”
“You really sizzled my wiener, last night, girlie.”

What you need to get through this movie

With its ability to fit a ton of awesome into less than an hour, shove an “eightball” of lello up the nose to enjoy this film at maximum cool.

Trivia

Jon Moritsugu convinced PBS to finance a documentary about Japanese-Americans and instead made this fictional piece. It did, however, air on PBS between 1994-95.

Educational Content

Japanese-Americans can be just as fucked up as any Caucasian one.
Rocking horses provide the for the best masturbatory tools.
Skinheads will get you and your entire family if you fuck with them.
The Asian sex-slave trade is alive and well.
Americans can’t tell the difference between Chinks and Japs.
That hot phone-sex operator you call is really just a dude in drag. Why he dresses up to talk on the phone, we’ll never know.

Justification for Rating

Terminal USA is nearly perfect in every way. That’s all.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rTHvMfDVBE

Review of Izo

10 Bad Movies You Didn’t Know You Loved

Greg — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 03:23:51 +0000

The Giant Gila Monster

What sets this classic 50s Sci-Fi fiasco apart from other giant monster movies is its complete lack of respect for the laws of the giant monster movie. Rule 1: Giant Monsters come from a complete disregard for the laws of nature. This is where the moral of the story comes in – don’t pollute, clone, or mongrelize the races, or a 40-foot tall salamander will eat your family. This rule is broken by simply not explaining where the Gila Monster came from, what it wants, and how to reverse the science that created it. Rule 2: Keep the monster mysterious. Well, the opening scene shows the angry man in the lizard suit, so that’s right out. Rule 3: Get another monster to kill it. Our hero, Chase, kills the monster by driving a 50s hotrod stuffed with nitroglycerin into the beast – of course.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=siRaaXczANo

The Toxic Avenger II

Simply one of the greatest bad movies of all time! Troma outdid themselves with a 10-minute opening fight scene where the world’s greatest, hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength from New Jersey beats, blends, crushes, and rips apart a random assortment of stereotypes before traveling to Japan (by windsurfing) to find his dad. Toxie, as his friends call him, an ex-janitor, travels to Tokyo and learns the finer points of Japanese life and culture. He bathes in a traditional Japanese sento (bath house), eats shabu-shabu, and fights evil. I would strongly recommend drinking large quantities of sake and Drano® for this one.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sbBFROaJ-k

Brain Damage

If you ever find yourself attached to a brain-eating worm that looks like a penis and enjoys bad jokes, then Brain Damage is perfect for you. Did I mention he injects LSD and happiness directly into your spinal column? Complete with violence, exploding heads, anonymous sex in back alleys, and something that was either another exploding head or a Buddha-style enlightenment moment. The shear simplicity of the plot (as far as LSD injecting, brain eating worm plots can be simple) will leave you feeling spiritually in touch… or possibly wanting to jab a cheese knife in your ear – one or the other.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyXbjg1zdD4

Dead Alive

Possibly the bloodiest movie ever, this early Peter Jackson film is brilliant beyond your wildest dreams, especially if you only know him from those Lord of the Rings films. Look out for an especially disgusting scene that will change the way you look at custard forever, and the murder of hundreds of zombies with a gas-powered lawn mower. And a zombie pastor screwing a zombie nurse. And an partially-digested dog. And…

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxcyAkSQKZw

Forbidden Zone

This musical gem gets forgotten when compared to the slightly less awesome Rocky Horror Picture Show, but it’s worth seeking out. This movie absolutely has it all: drugs, alcohol, sex, tits, violence, love, jealousy, Satan, giant frogs, midgets, jock straps, blackface, stockings, blood, decapitations, chickens… Too bad it doesn’t get its just rewards as the greatest cult musical of all time!

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3Uh-AFFDys

Review of Izo

Steve — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 22:48:37 +0000

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Review

Izo is a demonic schizophrenic misogynist ronin killing machine with the ability to time travel. Izo is bent on reaching his goal of achieving “divine retribution,” no matter how many people he has to kill in horrible, horrible ways. The blood does not stop in this movie, be it from decapitation or sex. No one is immune from Izo’s wrath – just ask his mother or the garbage men.

Reason to Watch

If you have ever wondered what it would be like to kill everyone (and by everyone I mean everyone)… samurai, vampires, yakuza, your mother, teachers, middle-class businessmen, children, old people, young people, large black men, small asian men, midgets, moms, dads, Satan, and Jesus. Just when massive genocide on humanity is starting to get old, Izo shows us his caring side when he bangs out “Mother Nature” then goes back to killing.

Context

Most memorable quote(s)

“Rawwwlllll, Ahhh!”
“Yes, it hurts!”

What you need to get through this movie

Izo is a pretty gory flick so you may need something to get the thought of all the decapitations off your mind, I would suggest a constant loop of “Louie, Louie”, supplemented with two cups of Canadian orphan tears

Trivia

Sitges -- Catalonian International Film Festival -- Best Special effects
Sitges -- Catalonian International Film Festival -- Best Film (Nominated)

Educational Content

A vagina is not a good place to sheath a sword
Your soulmate will eat your lice
Rocks + head = death
If you’re going to be near a crazy killer demon, bring a guitar.
In Japan, garbage trucks make way for duels.
Zombies will let you pass, if you ask nicely
Dog and cats like smelly vagina
Don’t ever fuck with Izo, Ever!

Justification for Rating

As far as avant-garde, bloodbath, time-swapping samurai movies go, I would have to guess that Izo is up there, but with the confusing storyline and massive plot holes, it gets dropped way down. If you are looking for some serious blood-letting without much thought and the typical slasher flick isn’t doing it for you, Izo just might work. It definitely does not hold back on the shock value or violence.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBq_mZQJ9pI

Review of Gallery of Horrors

Greg — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 05:12:16 +0000

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Review

You have to love a film with more titles than substance. Gallery of Horrors aka Dr. Terror’s Gallery of Horrors aka The Blood Suckers aka Alien Massacre aka Return from the Past, or whatever the hell its called, is a compilation of five short stories: “The Witch’s Clock,” “The Spark of Life,” “Monster Raid,” “King Vampire,” and “Count Alucard” -- which is credited as “Count Dracula” just to be nice and inconsistent. What makes each of these shorts so unbelievably bad/good is not the comically poor acting, the seemingly endless use of the same ten seconds of stock footage or the clichéd plots, but rather, the “surprise” endings of each sketch. Each short ends with that a “dun dun duh!” kind of style, only lacking in any surprise whatsoever. The “who would have guessed that the guy-dressed-as-a-vampire was a vampire” type of endings will leave you in hysterics. The main issue I had with it is that one title is “Alien Massacre” -- and there wasn’t one bloody alien in sight!

Reason to Watch

You can play a drinking game where every time you see the same shot reused, you have to take a shot and every time you guess an ending wrong you have to take five.

Context

1967 saw out the summer of love, with a hundred thousand hippies eating acid, listening to the best music ever written and discussing art, science, religion and politics…badly. It witnessed the first heart transplant, the first Super Bowl, the first Earth Day and the first airing of Sesame Street. On the film side we had “Cool Hand Luke” and “The Graduate.” And “Gallery of Horrors.” Well, nothing’s perfect.

What you need to get through this movie

I would highly recommend having at least five Manhattans in you before sitting down with the Gallery.

Trivia

What’s even stranger than the plot(s) of this film is its cast. Rochelle Hudson was a true Hollywood leading lady. She quit the movie business after this grand finale of a film, probably because of how embarrassing it was. Lon Chaney Jr. was enough of a horror star to make it onto the 32¢ US horror movie commemorative postage stamps! John Carradine was a massively prolific character actor and ended up with a Daytime Emmy and a Star on the Walk of Fame. What the hell were these people doing in this low budget piece of trash?! The answer: David L. Hewitt. The man had a flare for hiring once-popular-and-now-cheap actors to star in his no-budget disasters. This movie is so bad that you absolutely have to see it.

Educational Content

The pilgrims built massive gothic stone castle in Massachusetts.
All the castles were exactly the same.
They apparently also built these castles in Scotland and Transylvania.
Sometimes the door to the dungeon of the castle is the door to the castle and sometimes it’s the door to the dungeon (depending on which continent the castle resides.)
People in Transelvania where lederhosen and speak with “I vant to suck-eur-blud” accents, but vampires sound French.
Mid 18th century Scotland was inhabited entirely by Americans. And they had 1960s telephones.
Really movies have at least five or six alternate titles. The REALLY good ones will also have five or so subtitles (that are different depending on the version of the main title and are credited differently on the title cards from the credits.) This is to show they are at least five or six times better than your silly movie with only one title.
The only twist that should be in some films should be the lime in my Manhattan.

Justification for Rating

As far as being bad enough to be good goes, this falls a little short. I would suggest being in extreme states of conscious to enjoy this, or be one of those weird people (like myself) who is happy to laugh at someone else’s’ misfortune. This film would make a great drinking game though.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tGInf8GrGk

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Review of Bad Girls Go to Hell

Casey — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 01:19:55 +0000

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Review

Meg Kelten is a seemingly typical 1960′s housewife, cleaning house in sheer lingerie and poofy pumps and such, until her husband decides to go to work on a (gasp) Saturday! After cleaning their obviously modern pad, she enters the real world, only to get raped, raped, beaten, raped, raped, beaten, raped, and then beaten. Along the way she strips to her undies and does some acrobatics and such, but that’s only to fill in the gaps between scenes of rape and violence. Look out for a twist ending that’s sure to keep you thinking for minutes!

Reason to Watch

Other than the obvious reason of seeing a woman get repeatedly raped and beaten, Bad Girls Go to Hell has some of the worst dubbing ever put to film.

Context

For 1965, this has got to be one of the raunchiest movies going. It’s an interesting look into post-1950’s feminine subservience, yet at the same time giving one a glimpse at the women’s-lib movement that was just around the corner.

Most memorable quote(s)

“You are the kindest man I’ve ever met.”

What you need to get through this movie

With it’s repetitive theme of rape and brutality, this is definitely a film to drink yourself into. Because of a nonsensical scene with a former alcoholic, Cutty Sark would be the liquor of choice. For fun, have a shot every time someone walks directly into the camera for a scene change.

Trivia

Doris Wishman was the only woman to churn out sexploitation flicks in the 1960′s. Though she enjoyed many aspects of film production and was also the director, she abhorred actually making the films.

Educational Content

Never, ever leave your apartment if you are an attractive female.
One can go from sober to violently drunk to asleep in less than two minutes with Cutty Sark.
All men are rapists. Except the ones that beat you.
Women never wear clothes at home – unless it is completely see-thru.
You can beat a woman and beat a woman, but she’ll never learn and never bruise.

Justification for Rating

Bad Girls Go to Hell gets two stars – one star for the beating, one star for the raping.