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Final Fantasy: The Spirits WithinFinal Fantasy: The Spirits Within, while maybe not so awful it would make you want rip out your eyes with wasabi-tipped chopsticks, it is most certainly way overhyped. Even A-list celebrities (Alec Baldwin, Ving Rhames, and Steve Buscemi) and state of the art CGI aren’t enough to make this movie watchable more than once. A bland story line that’s not up to par with any of the games makes me wish that I hadn’t doled out my eight bucks to see this in the theater. 
ReviewKazumi (Jon Moritsugu) and his girlfriend, Eightball, are just trying to make it by until the next score while his mom chats up the pizza boy, dad prepares for armageddon, brother Marvin discovers his sexuality, and sister Holly makes plans for a getaway. Bizarre, bloody, and gut-bustingly hilarious, Terminal USA is the best cult film ever made that you may never see. With zero distribution and cult video stores falling off the face of the planet, this gem will most likely slip further into cult obscurity (which is way worse than regular obscurity).
The Giant Gila MonsterWhat sets this classic 50s Sci-Fi fiasco apart from other giant monster movies is its complete lack of respect for the laws of the giant monster movie. Rule 1: Giant Monsters come from a complete disregard for the laws of nature. This is where the moral of the story comes in – don’t pollute, clone, or mongrelize the races, or a 40-foot tall salamander will eat your family. This rule is broken by simply not explaining where the Gila Monster came from, what it wants, and how to reverse the science that created it. Rule 2: Keep the monster mysterious. Well, the opening scene shows the angry man in the lizard suit, so that’s right out. Rule 3: Get another monster to kill it. Our hero, Chase, kills the monster by driving a 50s hotrod stuffed with nitroglycerin into the beast – of course. 
ReviewIzo is a demonic schizophrenic misogynist ronin killing machine with the ability to time travel. Izo is bent on reaching his goal of achieving “divine retribution,” no matter how many people he has to kill in horrible, horrible ways. The blood does not stop in this movie, be it from decapitation or sex. No one is immune from Izo’s wrath – just ask his mother or the garbage men. Read the rest of this entry »
ReviewYou have to love a film with more titles than substance. Gallery of Horrors aka Dr. Terror’s Gallery of Horrors aka The Blood Suckers aka Alien Massacre aka Return from the Past, or whatever the hell its called, is a compilation of five short stories: “The Witch’s Clock,” “The Spark of Life,” “Monster Raid,” “King Vampire,” and “Count Alucard” – which is credited as “Count Dracula” just to be nice and inconsistent. What makes each of these shorts so unbelievably bad/good is not the comically poor acting, the seemingly endless use of the same ten seconds of stock footage or the clichéd plots, but rather, the “surprise” endings of each sketch. Each short ends with that a “dun dun duh!” kind of style, only lacking in any surprise whatsoever. The “who would have guessed that the guy-dressed-as-a-vampire was a vampire” type of endings will leave you in hysterics. The main issue I had with it is that one title is “Alien Massacre” – and there wasn’t one bloody alien in sight! Read the rest of this entry » |
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