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Rating:

Review

I don’t think Santa Sangre was meant to be as weird as it is. Some movies try so hard to be odd, and it often comes across as phony or self-parody. Santa Sangre is the most non-intentionally weird move ever devised. It has nothing to do with Santa Claus (at least I don’t think) and more to do with talking fish and circuses. Santa Sangre utilized the flash-forward before Lost made it cool, and takes advantage of Down Syndrome illness more than any other film. The film is also intensely violent and absurd beyond any sort of literal understanding. Santa Sangre may be a huge metaophor for child abuse, but it also has enough circus tricks to fit in a Cirque De Soleil script. You can’t come to terms with the film’s oddities any more than you can understand why your mom insists on Santa Claus being real even in your twenties.

Reason to Watch

Jesus makes a cameo appearance. The real Jesus, so that is pretty cool or whatever.

Context

italy and Mexico don’t usually deprive such entertainment, more known for their stuffiness and their illegal immigrants respectively, but for one reason or another, Santa Sangre just sort of works, even if it isn’t really saying anything at all about anything we can understand.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

• Concha: Without me you are nothing. No one sees you and no one notices you. Just like your stupid hero.
• Concha: It’s always roosters or swans! You never see anything else in your ridiculous hallucinations. 

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

Let’s just be honest here and nothing except shrooms and an Amazon frog can really make you come to sense and preparation for this thing.

Trivia

• As a tribute to Mexican horror films, Santa Sangre includes a scene with masked wrestlers and a “superwoman” named La Santa.
• The line spoken during the death of the elephant (The Elephant is Dying) is used as the opening line of “What’s up with You” – a song by Eddie Murphy and Michael Jackson, of all combinations

Educational Content

You cannot atone for your sins by asking politely and sacrificing an animal

When a character hallucinates, even the smallest trivial problem is insurmountable

Justification for Rating

If senselessness is directly proportional to quality, a 7 will do perfectly here.

Clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVdBqvIUnyw

Rating:

Review

This 1944 film is about one Dr. Igor Markoff (J. Carrol Naish) who is a mad scientist. He formulates a concoction named acromegaly, which is a kind of virus. This virus when injected into any persons body, causes them to become hideously deformed. The bones get extended and the facial features get distorted.
Markoff is a very unscrupulous person and he injects a famous concert pianist Lawrence (Ralph Morgan) with the virus. He wants to swindle out a fortune from Lawrence in return for an antidote to the virus. He also wants Lawrence to agree to marry his pretty daughter Patricia (Wanda McKay) to him, as she bears a resemblance to his late wife as she appeared in her youth.

Reason to Watch

I was expecting something spectacular to take place in the movie, but ah! it was a rather boring and uniquely worthless waste of time.The pretty Wanda McKay was perhaps the only reason to keep my interest alive.

Context

The move was made in the United States by the Turner Classic Movies in the early 1940s.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

“That cock-and-bull story was already old in Caesar’s days”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

it is weird and hackneyed movie and i would not have been able to sit through the 62 minutes of it had I not kept an abundant supply of Coke and Popcorn with me. The crunchy popcorn kept taking my mind off.

Trivia

Perhaps the most convincing thing about the movie was the mask worn by Lawrence when the acromegaly virus had progressed to an advanced stage. I was reminded of the mask worn by the title character in The Elephant Man (David Lynch).

Educational Content

All the education I got from the film was that there are viruses which can really deform you for life. Mad people have to be kept miles away from research on such projects. I wouldn’t like the world to be inhabited by deformed and scary looking people.

Justification for Rating

I would not have given a rating of 2.3 to the film if it had been a little longer. Thank god for small mercies. It was over in just over an hour so I was spared a long torture.

Clip

Rating:

Review

This is one of those movies that is so bad that you HAVE to see it. Seriously, there is a reason that Manos: Hands of Fate has been named as the worst movie of all time. Bad music, bad acting, bad camera work, terribly boring driving sequences – Manos has it all!
The premise of the movie is a small family (husband, wife, and daughter) are on a roadtrip vacation. However, everything goes awry when they stop at a small inn to ask for directions. They meet Torgo, the goatman-esque secretary, and end up having to stay the night. NO MORE FUN VACATION! “The Master” shows up, who looks like Frank Zappa and wears a ridiculous robe, and torments the family like crazy.

Reason to Watch

If you sit through Manos: Hands of Fate, you will be a B-Movie master. It is infamously bad! However, the character of Torgo provides wonderful comedic relief. Whenever he enters the screen, his theme song is played. Plus he is delightful with his humongous fake knees and wobbly voice.

Context

Manos was filmed in the sixties, a time when many low quality horror films were being churned out. However, Manos takes the crown as being perhaps the worst movie OF ALL TIME.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

“The M-M-M-Master would not approve.”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

To get through this movie you will need vodka strained seven times through a Brita filter for maximum potency. You will also need four shots of espresso. Drink the vodka until the movie makes sense, and take an espresso shot every time a long driving sequence is initiated so you don’t bore yourself to sleep.

Trivia

Torgo’s theme song was inspired by the life and times of Harriet S. Tubman.

Educational Content

Manos teaches us that getting your hand burned will kill you.

Justification for Rating

Manos gets just half of a point for being a pure pile of poop, but also one bonus point for Torgo, his theme song, and The Master’s wild robes. Hence, two points.

Rating:

Review

This movie sucks so hard it could turn itself inside out. Director Peter Fonda manages to take time travel and global apocalypse and make it as boring as walking through a grey baron wasteland… which, ironically, is what this film mostly consists of. The scary thing is, there actually seems to be real debate about whether this film is any good. Personally I think it is like Muholland Drive, ask someone what they thought of the movie and say they loved it, ask them what hell was going on and they have no idea. The only reason they said they loved is because they didn’t get it and don’t want to look stupid.
So Idaho Transfer tells the story of researchers who discover time travel, then they find out that in the future all life is destroyed so they travel further into the future to repopulate the human race, only they are now infertile so the whole thing was a big waste of time.

Reason to Watch

What makes a bad movie a good one is over the top campy acting, shaky sets, wild arguments, explosive characters and mosters, but here we are dumped on a baron rock with obnoxious kids. There is no gore, even when the girl gets her head smashed into a rock. I’m sure I did more damage to my head banging it against the wall as I forced myself to watch this pretentious crap. But if you want a reason to see it, watch it so you know how much better you can do with camcorder and your mates.

Context

This film was made as the hippy era was coming to an end and most people started not to care so much about the environment anymore. Nam and government corruption was bringing everyone down as Nixon faced the Watergate scandal. This was a film aimed at the youth, but by the time film was released the youth no longer cared and this film disappeared.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

“The oldest ones we saw were about 30, they don’t live very long and just gurgle and bump around”
“Some are so retarded they can’t even find food”
“He wants to be alone now! Don’t look for him!”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

Don’t smoke dope, this film is tough enough with trying to enhance the experience. This is all about survival, I suggest just have your mom come in every five minutes and slap you in the face.

Trivia

This was the beginning and ending for almost every ‘actor’ in the film, not one went on to do anything even remotely interesting.
The film ends with the quote “Esto Perpetua” which despite popular thought is not Latin for “You Wasted Your Life” but actually means “It is forever” and is the motto of the state of Idaho, which is quite depressing really.

Educational Content

1. In future people dress in silver and use humans for fuel.
2. Time travel is best left to the kids in skimpy underwear.
3. It turns out the future is a really boring place to be.

Justification for Rating

Peter Fonda only directed 3 films and the only good thing he did in this film was make sure he wasn’t in it. Of all the great landscapes in the world why did he have to pick Idaho’s baron wastelands. The film thinks it is smart, but gaping plot holes, flat acting and a budget that could barely rival your local high-school’s production of Our Town make this a dull and annoying experience. What I would give for a zombie, some blood or pointless nudity.

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, while maybe not so awful it would make you want rip out your eyes with wasabi-tipped chopsticks, it is most certainly way overhyped. Even A-list celebrities (Alec Baldwin, Ving Rhames, and Steve Buscemi) and state of the art CGI aren’t enough to make this movie watchable more than once. A bland story line that’s not up to par with any of the games makes me wish that I hadn’t doled out my eight bucks to see this in the theater.

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