Horror

Review of Blood Feast

Horror 4 Comments »

Rating: ★½☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

If I told you that a movie had blood, guts, gore, and a Playboy model, you would probably be pretty excited, right? Don’t pull your pants down just yet: Blood Feast is an abomination of all that is horrific.

Fuad Ramses is the proprietor of an Egyptian catering business when said Playmate’s mom rings up and asks him to prepare something… different. Ramses, of course, suggests something… Egyptian: an Egyptian Feast! Little does any know (although they should, given that they explain to everyone at every chance possible exactly what an Egyptian Feast consists of), all of the murders that have been happening lately are just Ramses collecting the ingredients for said feast. Good thing your typical Keystone Cops are on the case (yeesh!). Read the rest of this entry »

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Lists

10 Bad Movies You Didn’t Know You Loved

Lists 14 Comments »

The Giant Gila Monster

What sets this classic 50s Sci-Fi fiasco apart from other giant monster movies is its complete lack of respect for the laws of the giant monster movie. Rule 1: Giant Monsters come from a complete disregard for the laws of nature. This is where the moral of the story comes in – don’t pollute, clone, or mongrelize the races, or a 40-foot tall salamander will eat your family. This rule is broken by simply not explaining where the Gila Monster came from, what it wants, and how to reverse the science that created it. Rule 2: Keep the monster mysterious. Well, the opening scene shows the angry man in the lizard suit, so that’s right out. Rule 3: Get another monster to kill it. Our hero, Chase, kills the monster by driving a 50s hotrod stuffed with nitroglycerin into the beast – of course.

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Horror

Review of Izo

Horror 2 Comments »

Rating: ★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

Izo is a demonic schizophrenic misogynist ronin killing machine with the ability to time travel. Izo is bent on reaching his goal of achieving “divine retribution,” no matter how many people he has to kill in horrible, horrible ways. The blood does not stop in this movie, be it from decapitation or sex. No one is immune from Izo’s wrath – just ask his mother or the garbage men. Read the rest of this entry »

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Action

Review Mortal Kombat

Action 4 Comments »

Rating: ★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

A homosexual sorceress with perfect hair and an affinity for buff young men puts on a masturbatory homage to street fighting, with a tropic twist. The greatest fighters in world not named Chuck Norris or Gary Coleman set forth to do battle to the death in order to save the earth. Mortal Kombat will take you to places you were pretty sure they would go, but with the help of the hottest 10,000 year old chick you will ever see they just might be able to pull off the greatest up set known to man. Read the rest of this entry »

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