www.youtube.com/watch?v=JP9gos5WfCY
Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Review

It seems that times have not changed since the 1960s, we still warn our kids about stranger danger, when we should really be looking out for Uncle Touchy Feely. Anyway this is a disturbing little film directed at parents telling them to tell their children to stay away from strangers lest they be raped and killed. Shocking? Yes. And you haven’t even seen the real crime photos yet. Although the film is firm on telling parents that they are the ones who should warn their children many kids were subjected to this film at school leaving mental scares and nightmares that would last rest of their life. Kind of ironic, damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation.

Reason to Watch

Well I’m sick in the head so 1960s films about kiddie fiddlers are hilarious. Sure this isn’t the brilliant and far more humorous Boys Beware, but it is still lots of fun watching the Terminator like molester pursue little girls through the woods… that said the ending is a buzz kill.

Context

In the 1950s/60s there was not a problem that existed that could not be solved by a film warning you about it. Among the gods of this genre were Sid Davis, however this film was produced by the Highway Safety Foundation, a company much better known for it’s gory car crash videos used in driver’s ed class.

Most memorable quote(s)

After the girls have been missing 2 hours the narrator says “The grim face of the police brings home the reality of what they might be dealing with.” so much for optimism.

What you need to get through this movie

You need to be in the mind of a molester to enjoy this film. I suggest a bag of sweets, dark glasses, a bow tie and a bucket to vomit in at the climax.

Trivia

This film was swiftly removed after being released. Apparently you don’t need to see the corpses of dead girls to nail a point home.

Educational Content

So much to learn:

1. Child molesters will only be strangers.
2. Child molesters might grab your knee in the cinema.
3. Child molesters have the unyielding drive of a Terminator.
4. Child molesters often wear sunglasses to hide their identity.

Justification for Rating

Campy classic, but the real world photos of dead girls covered in blood just makes it a little more serious. So enjoy part 1, but prepare for part 2.

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1. Review of Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Review

You have to love a film with more titles than substance. Gallery of Horrors aka Dr. Terror’s Gallery of Horrors aka The Blood Suckers aka Alien Massacre aka Return from the Past, or whatever the hell its called, is a compilation of five short stories: “The Witch’s Clock,” “The Spark of Life,” “Monster Raid,” “King Vampire,” and “Count Alucard” -- which is credited as “Count Dracula” just to be nice and inconsistent. What makes each of these shorts so unbelievably bad/good is not the comically poor acting, the seemingly endless use of the same ten seconds of stock footage or the clichéd plots, but rather, the “surprise” endings of each sketch. Each short ends with that a “dun dun duh!” kind of style, only lacking in any surprise whatsoever. The “who would have guessed that the guy-dressed-as-a-vampire was a vampire” type of endings will leave you in hysterics. The main issue I had with it is that one title is “Alien Massacre” -- and there wasn’t one bloody alien in sight!

Reason to Watch

You can play a drinking game where every time you see the same shot reused, you have to take a shot and every time you guess an ending wrong you have to take five.

Context

1967 saw out the summer of love, with a hundred thousand hippies eating acid, listening to the best music ever written and discussing art, science, religion and politics…badly. It witnessed the first heart transplant, the first Super Bowl, the first Earth Day and the first airing of Sesame Street. On the film side we had “Cool Hand Luke” and “The Graduate.” And “Gallery of Horrors.” Well, nothing’s perfect.

What you need to get through this movie

I would highly recommend having at least five Manhattans in you before sitting down with the Gallery.

Trivia

What’s even stranger than the plot(s) of this film is its cast. Rochelle Hudson was a true Hollywood leading lady. She quit the movie business after this grand finale of a film, probably because of how embarrassing it was. Lon Chaney Jr. was enough of a horror star to make it onto the 32¢ US horror movie commemorative postage stamps! John Carradine was a massively prolific character actor and ended up with a Daytime Emmy and a Star on the Walk of Fame. What the hell were these people doing in this low budget piece of trash?! The answer: David L. Hewitt. The man had a flare for hiring once-popular-and-now-cheap actors to star in his no-budget disasters. This movie is so bad that you absolutely have to see it.

Educational Content

1. The pilgrims built massive gothic stone castle in Massachusetts.
2. All the castles were exactly the same.
3. They apparently also built these castles in Scotland and Transylvania.
4. Sometimes the door to the dungeon of the castle is the door to the castle and sometimes it’s the door to the dungeon (depending on which continent the castle resides.)
5. People in Transelvania where lederhosen and speak with “I vant to suck-eur-blud” accents, but vampires sound French.
6. Mid 18th century Scotland was inhabited entirely by Americans. And they had 1960s telephones.
7. Really movies have at least five or six alternate titles. The REALLY good ones will also have five or so subtitles (that are different depending on the version of the main title and are credited differently on the title cards from the credits.) This is to show they are at least five or six times better than your silly movie with only one title.
8. The only twist that should be in some films should be the lime in my Manhattan.

Justification for Rating

As far as being bad enough to be good goes, this falls a little short. I would suggest being in extreme states of conscious to enjoy this, or be one of those weird people (like myself) who is happy to laugh at someone else’s’ misfortune. This film would make a great drinking game though.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tGInf8GrGk

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