Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Review

Believe it or not kids, there was once a day when porn was not a mouse click away. Back in those days, we had to find other ways to see boobs, and horror films provided that opportunity. I remember the joys seeing “The Hunger” for the first time, that sexy section of video took some wear and tear I can tell you. So why this relevant? “Werewolf Woman” is basically a softcore porn film masquerading as a horror. The film starts off with a naked woman dancing around a fire before she turns into a werewolf and kills some people.

Flash forward to the “modern” day where distant relative Daniella Neseri (Annik Borel), having been recently raped, now makes an emotional connection to her family’s past before going on a killing spree which includes a lot of the biting out of men’s’ throats. She does not actually turn into a were-wolf; she just acts like one. She is, however, cured when she falls in love with a stuntman. They run along sandy beaches and they laugh and blah blah blah as he jumps through windows and crashes burning motorcycles. Fortunately, before it turns into the prequel to The Notebook, she is raped by three men and her boyfriend is killed. This sets her off again and she ends up in an asylum – typical. This is campy 70’s horror with bright red blood and loads of pointless nudity. Best of all, it’s based on a true story, but any similarities between anyone living or dead is apparently purely coincidental.

Reason to Watch

Porn is pretty easy to get hold of these days, so the number one reason to see this film is out. So my vote goes for the story. Seeing grown women running around, naked, biting out people’s throats is just plain super.

Context

This is a typical 70′s exploitation-horror film staple of Rino Di Silvestro, whose other films included “The Erotic Dreams of Cleopatra”, “Sex Slayer,” and “Love and Death in a Women’s Prison.” The nudity goes beyond what would have been seen in English language horror films and was even dubbed a “video nasty” and banned in the UK.

Most memorable quote(s)

“I saw you making love with Fabin. It was obscene, disgusting, but you liked it.” “Daniella, did you see that fall? Wasn’t it gay!”

What you need to get through this movie

I suggest watching this movie like a teenager from the 80′s. That means a box of tissues and the video remote control so you can fast forward the boring medical stuff.

Trivia

Annik Borel (also in “Blood Orgy of the She Devils”) made two more movies before she quit acting never to be seen again. The film was marketed under several titles including “Daughter of a Werewolf,” “Naked Werewolf Woman,” “Terror of the She Wolf,” and bizarrely in America, “The Wolf Man.” It was also selected by Quentin Tarantino for the First Annual Quentin Tarantino Film Fest in Austin, Texas in 1996. Tarantino had actually never seen the picture before he screened it. He loved it so much that all subsequent Film Fests had a surprise movie added to the end of each all-nighter known as the “Wolf Woman” selection; defined as an outrageous exploitation film sure to wake up the audience. “Wolf Women” selections over the years have included “The Blood Spattered Bride” and “Mighty Peking Man.”

Educational Content

1. Trained stuntmen can fall off buildings, fly through windows, but can’t take a chair to the back.
2. You are going to be at least as crazy your ancestors.
3. Avoid nude women in the woods.
4. Don’t make a she-wolf give you a blowjob.
5. She-wolves have really hairy boobs.
6. Stunt men can’t resist jumping through windows to impress the ladies.

Justification for Rating

This film was a lot of fun, although I could have done with less nudity and more wolf, but I guess the costume and make-up department blew their load on the opening sequence. It’s a great tale of revenge, the wicked are punished and the only victim is everyone else.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFM06dzGxCM

Related posts:

1. Review of Bad Girls Go to Hell

7. GoldenEye

Coming in at number seven is the seventeenth Bond film, Goldeneye. The reason it makes the list is simple: the end of the short-lived Timothy Dalton era and the beginning of the modern Bond age.  There’s always that suspicion between Bond films of the new guy, and Pierce Brosnan could have been a lot worse. He brought back the playfulness that had been missing with ol’ Tim. Dalton played Bond pretty dark, and the freshness of the ass-patting and silly gadgetry allowed the welcome reminiscing of the Roger Moore days. The plot wasn’t bad, the girls were hot, and the explosions had that big-budget feel.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUNP9xrOBd4

6. Goldfinger

Hands down the winner of the best-sexual-double-entendre film award. With Miss Pussy Galore being such a cunning linguist, killing beautiful women by painting their naked bodies with gold paint, and trying to take Sean Connery with a laser, Goldfinger became the Bond movie template for future films. As the third film, it really stood out compared to the first two in being so much more about the suave secret agent rather than the story like No and Russia were. We also see the beginnings of the gadgetry that would occasionally get out of hand in the Bond series. Besides that, the film is entertaining in the purest sense, funny, clever, and action-packed.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1TmeBd9338

5. Live and Let Die

Like a few of the films on this list, Live and Let Die is great because of that switch between actors playing Bond working against the odds and popular opinion. Roger Moore brought a much cheekier version of 007, twice the ass-patting, more innuendo, and hope to kids not blessed with black hair, that they can still grow up to be super spies. Live and Let Die is almost a blaxploitation flick, with fantastic stereotypical characters like Mr. Big, a jive-talking, drug-dealing brother complete with a posse of afro-sporting, heat-packing, big, bad ‘n’ black henchmen. The 8th Bond film is unusual in that our bad guy is not interested in taking over the world, but rather in expanding his heroin empire (by giving away two tons of free smack!). It’s even weirder when you consider the psychic love interest, the voodoo witchdoctors assassins, and Moore escaping crocodiles by running over their backs.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ySyZ8-RS6g

4. You Only Live Twice

Although not as good as the movies below, You Only Live Twice might be my personal favorite. I think that this is probably for a number of reasons. First, it’s set in Japan (a place I’ve been obsessed with forever, and even lived), the screenplay was written by Roald Dahl (Charlie and the Chocolate factory), it’s our first view of Ernst Stavro Blofeld’s face, and finally, it was the triadic end to the Connery Bond era. With a plot that borders on the ridiculous, You Only Live Twice is pure fun. Giant volcanic bases, spaceships that eat other spaceships, gadgets galore, and suitcase-helicopters armed to the teeth all make the fifth film the stuff that parody’s dreams are made of.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=21poI4ZmIRU

3. From Russia with Love

Possibly the most beautifully shot of the Bond films, From Russia with Love is often critiqued as the best of the series. While brilliant, it had the unfortunate luck of being the second of the Bond movies, and hence has to compete standing next to Dr. No. Still, Russia is still a phenomenal film on its own.  The relatively slow pace of the film raises the tension to that of more of a thriller than an action film. The close-quarter fight scenes on the Orient Express became a hallmark of Bond’s style and the beautiful, 1960 Miss Universe runner-up Daniela Bianchi as Tatiana makes you wish that bikinis where acceptable snow dress.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqAOf66o1Wg

2. Casino Royale

Maybe the reason that Casino got so high on the list is it’s the newest (for a few days) of the Bonds and it did something that very few 007 movies, and indeed, most movies, manage to do – exceed expectations. Daniel Craig was actually good, and brought his own interpretation of Bondness (as they all do), but more than that, after the gaudiness of the previous few, the slickness and modernism of the film was so refreshing  that it revitalized the franchise.  Perhaps it was touching on an Ian Fleming novel (although a very liberal touch), but something about Casino Royale feels more like the older films: more charm than gadgetry, more style and explosions.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fl5WHj0bZ2Q

1. Dr. No

What can you really say about the film that started it all?  Dr. No gave us the gun-barrel shooting opening, the stylized, musical credits and the establishment of Bond as a man of “now” – the never changing, forty-something ladies’-man. It also gave the world one of sexiest cinematic moments when Ursula Andress walked out of the blue, Crab Key waters in that white bikini… and also probably permanently skewed my young brain toward blondes for the rest of my life. Although a lifetime apart, Casino Royale and Dr. No have that original literary feel to them, and maybe that’s why I love them so. Dr. No’s low budget (one MLLLLLLION dollars!) forced Terence Young to use style rather than explosives.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAu20TEk-ag

No related posts.

Rocky Horror Picture Show

One of the greatest bad movies of bad movies, the cult film of cult films, Rocky has lived on in the hearts and minds of the alienated, marginalized, and gay youth of each generation since its 1975 debut. The Picture Show has become a right of passage for those who will one day become fans of the cult movie, the bizarre musical, and eventually, possibly, even sex. Of all cult movies, no other has a following quite like the sexually confused, camp-horror followers of the late night, double feature picture show. There is nothing quite like seeing a 200-lb Janet, complete with white underwear, dancing and singing in front of two-hundred overly-Zima’d virgins – if you have never been to a modern screening of Rocky, go. Go now. Take a camera – and a change of underwear – it will be the scariest Halloween experience you’ve ever had.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdu7xoHU9DA

Beetlejuice

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! What, no ghost with the most? I guess cirrhosis will kill even the hardiest of cult movies. Tim Burton’s ability to turn almost anything he touches into something not only instantly cultish, but also beautiful, is a testament to his sick fascination with bad science fiction films and terrible horror movies. Beetlejuice is enduring, which I think is partly due to the use of Belafonte island dance numbers in a comedy movie made “in-the-style-of” a horror film, and partly because even the bad guy seems like someone you would want to share a bottle of bourbon with. Not only is Beetlejuice great to have on as background noise at your Halloween party, but it is also something with which you can kick-start your kid’s education in cult movies.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUqtC1oiztw

Halloween

For God’s sake, it’s called Halloween, a no-brainer for a Halloween list maker. Anyway, Halloween is not just a convenient title for selling theatre seats in October, but it was also the film that created the teen babysitter slasher cliché. Now clichés are spawned from actual memorable moments, and John Carpenter’s low budget masterpiece has become a part of Americana. Jamie Lee Curtis being terrorized by Nick Castle (the same guy who directed Dennis the Menace and Major Payne – VERY scary) in an expressionless white mask created a template for future slasher films. If you’ve ever wondered where the camera angles and female stereotypes of Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street came from, look no further – but be aware, the opening credits are terrible.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GavVnUPpOjo

Night of the Living Dead

This 1968 George A. Romero über-classic cult film makes lethargic, brain hungry, stiff, undead, Reagan-loving nursing home rejects the scariest predators a small town in broke-ass PA has ever seen. I, personally, love zombie movies, and what better than one of the originals? But there is something that always bothers me about the whole zombie genre: they just don’t seem that tough. You would think that even decrepit old Stephen Hawking and pansy Andy Dick could fight at lest 60 or 70 of them, let alone a home full of adults including a black man (and we’re not talking black man like Sammy Davis, Jr; I mean like lock up your white women because you know if they go black they really aren’t going back, black man).

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mkKfUNiXRI

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Before Johnny Depp was swashbuckling his way into another awful Jerry Bruckheimer movie, he was dodging his way from child killer and winner of the 1984 Captain Grody Face Award. Freddy Kruger, one part wolverine, one part Edward Scissorhands (no Johnny Depp pun intended), and much like Helen Keller, is a hero to all psychotic serial killing burn victims. I think the premise of this movie should be well known to all of us so I will give you a little tip on how to make this movie really scary. I like to pop a hand full of melatonin and wash it down with a nice glass of warm milk and pray to God that I don’t crap myself.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4JwoAg0jnA

Related posts:

1. 10 Bad Movies You Didn’t Know You Loved
2. Review of Blood Feast
3. 5 Movies Better Left as Video Games

Jane Fonda – Barbarella

Yeah, I know. It’s Jane Fonda. Jane Fonda’s Workout Jane Fonda. But in 1968, Jane Fonda was Barbarella, and Barbarella was hot, traipsing about in her skin-tight swimsuit costumes all about outer space. Grrr!

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwNEnh9uaM

Linda Harrison – Planet of the Apes

First, she’s next-to-naked. Second, she never speaks. Third, she’s just plain hot. And if you don’t think so, you’re obviously a god damned dirty ape.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=8flBBNWEiMA

Gisele Lindley – Forbidden Zone

She’s only wearing her panties in throughout the entire movie. Hell, she could be butt-ugly, but I don’t know. One just gets drawn into the fact that there is a blonde running around all over the damn place dressed only in panties and… nope, only panties.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6W7gB9AMfec

Kou Shibasaki – Battle Royale

I know a lot of the Quentin Tarantino fanboys were distracted by the fact that a 16-year-old Chiaki Kuriyama was in Battle Royale, but for my money, future J-Pop star Kou Shibasaki takes the cake as the sexy, cold-hearted Mitsuko Souma.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMkN1KMXk6w

Tura Satana – Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Okay, so I haven’t actually seen this movie, yet, but I do know that Russ Meyer and I have the same taste in women: large-breasted Asian Amazons. Then again, who doesn’t?

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaUwi2W26pg

Angelina Jolie – Cyborg 2

This is Angelina Jolie before she was Angelina Jolie. Before she was anorexic. And slightly before she bared-it-all in Gia. But damn it, she was still hot, as long as you forget that if you concentrate really hard, she looks just like her father, Jon Voight. Which is really creepy.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHpcG-aH_II

Phoebe Legere – The Toxic Avenger Part II

Blonde and bubbly, Phoebe Legere certainly didn’t have enough screen time in this Toxie flick. Even though she later went on to be married by Hunter S. Thompson to a champion bull (look it up), Legere was the perfect compliment to Toxie’s absolute disgustingness.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMd44JdWuOc

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Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Review

If I told you that a movie had blood, guts, gore, and a Playboy model, you would probably be pretty excited, right? Don’t pull your pants down just yet: Blood Feast is an abomination of all that is horrific.

Fuad Ramses is the proprietor of an Egyptian catering business when said Playmate’s mom rings up and asks him to prepare something… different. Ramses, of course, suggests something… Egyptian: an Egyptian Feast! Little does any know (although they should, given that they explain to everyone at every chance possible exactly what an Egyptian Feast consists of), all of the murders that have been happening lately are just Ramses collecting the ingredients for said feast. Good thing your typical Keystone Cops are on the case (yeesh!).

Reason to Watch

Though the acting is deplorable, the sound is terrible, and the direction is weak, there are a couple of scenes of absolute gore which save this from being a complete waste of time.

Most memorable quote(s)

• “Well Frank, it looks like one of those long hard ones!”
• “Ramses was the killer we’ve been looking for. Mrs. Fremont, I’m afraid this feast is evidence of murder!” “Oh dear! The guests will have to eat hamburgers for dinner tonight.”

What you need to get through this movie

With it’s grossly inept police officers, one dozen jelly donuts, a pot of coffee per person, and some cocaine planted on a minority is absolutely required to survive this Blood Feast.

Trivia

This piece of trash was (poorly) edited by Robert Sinise, the father of Lt. Dan himself, Gary Sinise.

Educational Content

1. You can pull someone’s tongue out if you pull hard enough, and it’s a good way to keep them from screaming.
2. Cops are stupid. Trust me.
3. Ancient Egyptians were white.
4. No matter how obvious your plot, it’s always best to be completely sure that no one is left in the cold by having every detail explained at the end by the detective who was never even once hot on the perpetrator’s tail.
5. If you join an occult book club, you will lose body parts for stew.

Justification for Rating

Though made of pure suck, there is a good amount of blood and guts to squeeze out the one and one-half stars we give it.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQEQ_RVClrY

Related posts:

1. Review of A Bucket of Blood
2. Review of 100 Tears
3. 10 Bad Movies You Didn’t Know You Loved

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, while maybe not so awful it would make you want rip out your eyes with wasabi-tipped chopsticks, it is most certainly way overhyped. Even A-list celebrities (Alec Baldwin, Ving Rhames, and Steve Buscemi) and state of the art CGI aren’t enough to make this movie watchable more than once. A bland story line that’s not up to par with any of the games makes me wish that I hadn’t doled out my eight bucks to see this in the theater.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnE64DbnUzY

Street Fighter: The Movie

This movie is so bad that I truly believe that it killed my beloved Raul Julia. If you have ever played the Street Fighter series, you already know the plot. A couple of gay guys in their blue and red karate outfits “hadouken” their way in and out of trouble with one-eyed warlords and eccentric generals obsessed with the love of world damnation (domination?) and super-science.  Somehow a star at the time, the very Belgian and also probably very gay Jean-Claude Van Damme plays the Super American “Colonel Guile”. Much like the game, when this is on I have to watch but then soon realize why I hate it – it just goes on and on with no point, fighting the same fight, and doing the same damn cheat moves. DAMN YOU RYU!!!!!!

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=avXsM2n2oqg

Double Dragon

Ah, 1994. A great time! Clinton was in the White House, Phil Hartman was still alive, and Kurt Cobain’s head was splattered all over his garage. What wasn’t great was the live-action movie of one of the greatest NES games of all time. The Double Dragon movie is so bad that anytime I even hear about it, I force carnal thoughts of Cloris Leachman upon myself just to get the thought of it out of my mind. The only thing that saves this from being the worst video game movie ever is Alyssa Milano and the creepy burn victim Bo Abobo saying, “Wut Up Chikin Butt?”.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qa8eF3VLDsE

Super Mario Brothers

Here’s an idea: take the most iconic video game franchise ever and see what happens if we let the guys who brought us Max Headroom make a movie out of it and see what happens. I’ll tell you what will happen: it will suck, and not just in that “Hey, did you just see that Adam Sandler movie?” way. I mean really suck, like you’re stuck in line for the bathroom at an all-you-can-eat taco bar and the guy in front of you is Louie Anderson. Nothing in this movie made any sense. Dennis Hopper was freaking King Koopa. The studio would have done better if they went to a costume store, bought a Godzilla outfit, and paid a bum with Olde English 800 and McRib sandwiches to run around saying “Rawww”. I would rather go to an autoerotic asphyxiation party with Patty Hurst and the guys from INXS than have to watch this again.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cd-h8q-C58k

Mortal Kombat 2: Annihilation

This is it! Not only the worst video game movie I have ever seen, it’s in the running for worst movie ever made. Mortal Kombat 2 is so bad that it is said it was used as a torture device at Guantanamo Bay until it was deemed too cruel for human viewing. While I have no proof of this, I think the director stole 80% of the budget and ran to Mexico for a huge Coke party and left his duties to a 9-year-old Filipino Down’s syndrome kid on twenty hits of acid. While in theory this may sound like a way to get a box office smash, in practice, it’s not so good. May death come swiftly to those who watch this.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HbNLiR1trY

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1. Review Mortal Kombat
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Debbie Rochon: I think I can answer anything.

Egbert Souse: How did you get started in the film business?

DR: When I was eleven or twelve years old, I was living in Vancouver, Canada, which is north from here… that’s terrible, sorry. I was homeless at the time, and Paramount Pictures was doing this movie called Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains starring Laura Dern, Diane Lane, some of the Sex Pistols and the Clash. This was like 1981. Directed by Lou Adler. So I went in as an extra, and they said are you willing to die your hair like platinum blonde and black on the sides and do like a skunk thing and I said, you know, absolutely. It was $300 cash a week. And I was there for three months and I got started then. I really got the bug then.

Duncan Idaho: When you were twelve?

DR: Yeah. And I’m only fifteen, now.

GRM: What are you working on here? What are you doing in Tampa?

DR: I just finished the MegaCon, which is a great convention in Orlando. This particular movie is called Meat Market and it’s by Joe Casey, of course. He’s directing. He wrote it. He’s shooting it. It’s about the slave trade, really. Just like in the script, you may not know it, but 4 million people a year still get traded in the sex trade slave business. And I could probably get you somebody at a very good price.

It’s based on that. It’s part of an anthology of shorts. He’s doing two of them. And two other filmmakers are also doing shorts, and he’s putting them together as an anthology and them putting them out on DVD. [I have since spoken to Joe Casey, and there are three other producers... ed.]

CK: He’s doing that with Brinke Stevens? She has something to do with it, as well?

DR: Yes. She was in another short and she also hosts it.

CK: Out of the many movies you’ve been in, what’s your personal favorite?

DR: My favorite movie is probably Nowhere Man directed by Tim McCann. It’s a really crazy movie, sort of inspired by DOA. Film noir. DOA, of course, is where the guy has twenty-four hours to counteract the poison he’s been given. In this case, the short description is we’re a very happy couple, me and my boyfriend. We’re engaged to be married. He finds a tape of a porno movie I did five years earlier and I didn’t tell him about it. So he gets very upset and very abusive. He starts abusing me physically and emotionally. And then he comes home one night and he rapes me. And I snap, finally, after all of this abuse and while he’s passed out drunk I snip his penis off…

GRM: Nice.

DR: …and I go on the run with it. So in comes the DOA influence. He has twenty-four hours to get his penis back or it will decompose. I’m not going to tell you if he gets it back or not. I don’t want to ruin it or anything. It’s really tense, like pitch- black dark comedy. It’s not light; it’s not played for laughs. It’s played very very seriously. There’s a scene in it that most men can’t watch. It’s not even the one you’re thinking. He has to urinate through a catheter. It’s just… it’s a pretty amazing movie. It played at the Sarasota film festival down here and now it’s out on DVD. It played theatrically as well.

GRM: Do you know how many movies you’ve been in?

DR: 140, approximately.

GRM: 140? Wow. Can you link yourself to Kevin Bacon?

DR: Yes.

GRM: In how many?

DR: Honest to God, it’s one, and I can’t remember.

CK: We can do it.

DR: Okay. I’ll bet you it’s one person. I’ll bet you it’s someone like Diane Lane, or something.

CK: It’s actually not Diane Lane.

GRM: Tim House.

DR: Who?

GRM: Tim House, in Underdogs. He was in In the Cut with Kevin Bacon.

DR: There ya go. I knew it was one.

CK: You said the number of movies is 140? IMDb has you at 113.

GRM: Well, IMDb’s outdated.

DR: Yeah. Not everything is listed. There are some things that are upcoming. IMDb is good, but it’s not always thorough.

CK: That changes our question, then. We had you as being the exact number of movies that Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Tom Cruise, and Katie Holmes have starred in. You starred in more movies than all of them combined.

DR: That’s right. That’s right. So, where’s my mansion?

CK: Yeah! Why aren’t you on the cover of Teen People?

DR: It’s a really good question. I made the choice to do indie films and I’ve had a lot of fun, I’ve had much better roles than a lot of the women that are working in Hollywood get. Because I get to do the sort of crazy nutty characters, like in American Nightmare I play a psycho serial killer. Very seriously. Not for laughs. I get to play really good roles and that’s why I’ve always been drawn to it. At this point in the game, now, I would love to absolutely do that. And I did, actually, a role on a new series called Conviction. I worked on it for a couple of days. I’m not sure which particular episode, but it’s in season one. It’ll be on, I think, fall.

CK: Is right now the point in your career where you want to be Hollywood mainstream?

DR: Yeah. I’m making the transition. I don’t think I’ll get into Hollywood mainstream, but I think I can do character work on TV at this point. I love horror and that’s my passion, but at the same time there comes a point where you do need money. It always has been about art for me, as silly as it sounds, because some of the movies… you wouldn’t exactly call them art.

About three years ago, on a film shoot in Tennessee I had my fingers cut off. There was an accident. Someone switched up a prop for a real machete knife and didn’t tell me.

GRM: Ugh!

DR: Another cringing moment for the guys. But when I was on the scene, I took the knife and plunged it down very hard into a fake dead body and there was no edge between the handle and the blade and my hand went like, you know, butter and a knife, hot knife, whatever the expression is. I couldn’t work for two years, I lost my home, I lost all my savings, a half a million dollars in surgery. It changed my whole world. It’s been a long process coming back. That was three years ago. So now, I love doing indie projects, still, but I have an agent, now, which I never used to. I get so much work offers that I really didn’t need one, but now I want different work offers, so now I go after other things.

CK: Who would you really like to work with?

DR: Oh, boy. The people I’d really like to work with are great horror directors.

CK: There aren’t many of those left, it seems to me.

DR: A friend of mine, James Gunn, whose new movie Slither is coming out. I’d love to do another one with him. I was in Tromeo and Juliet, which he directed in 1995 and he’s gone on to do the Scooby-Doo movies and the remake of Dawn of the Dead. I’d love to work with him. And Cronenberg, who is my idol. He’s just so amazing. Of course, some of the greats are dead, so it’s too late, like, you know, Kubrik and stuff like that. You know what? Anybody who’s just really amazing. I’d like to work with Tim McCann again because he’s got some good stories.

CK: You mentioned Cronenberg. If you think about him, I mean, he almost got his start doing, practically, what would be considered “B” movies, what with Videodrome and… the other thing…

GRM: That thing terrifies me.

DR: Rabid. With Marilyn Chambers.

CK: …and now, he’s huge.

DR: He’s huge. He’s real huge. And when I was in Cannes last year, I saw him speak and was say that there certainly was a point were he could basically do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted, meaning any actor. Cast approval. He had approval over everything. And now he wants to work in a bigger level because he needs to make money. He’s very open about that. So he says, y’know, ‘I get a cast and I have my wish list and at the end of the day, the studio has to okay everybody.’ He may get final cut, still, because he is great and they know he’s great, but they still have to have cast approval. So even someone like Cronenberg, with his amazing, y’know… What’s the word?

GRM: Talent?

DR: Talent and…

GRM: Pull?

DR: …and proof of his work, track record, thank you. He has to succumb to some of the Hollywood stuff, which is amazing. But he’s just… He’s great because he takes horror and he takes real life situations like marriages gone bad and he sort of makes them into these… He makes people into monsters but he physicalizes what’s really happening emotionally and certainly The Brood is another great family film that he made. I love him, yeah.

GRM: You were in a movie called Who Wants to Be an Erotic Billionaire?…

DR: Erotic Billionaire. Yeah!

GRM: …What would you do if you were an Erotic Billionaire?

DR: What would I do if I was an Erotic Billionaire? [Laughs] I would… boy, what a great question… I would probably buy an erotic car…

GRM: Okay…

DR: …an erotic mansion…

GRM: Big erotic car.

DR: Big erotic car. I guess everything would be phallic or vaginal shaped. I think I would have to spend the money in the right way.

GRM: Would you make a lot of donations to charity like the Bill and Martha Gates Charity Foundation… with an erotic twist?

DR: Yeah. I would donate to people who do research on sexually transmitted diseases and stuff like that, maybe. I would be a good donator, I think.

CK: Well…

DR: You know what I would do, actually? I would go to Vincent Gallo’s website where he is selling his sperm for a million dollars and I would buy that sperm. I wouldn’t necessarily use it…

GRM: Put it on the wall…

CK: Mix it with some paint…

DR: Yeah, just to say that I had it. And he really is selling it. For a million dollars.

CK: I don’t think it’s worth it…

GRM: It’s just sperm.

DR: He even has a description of what type of people he will sell it to, which is very weird.

GRM: Wow.

CK: Do you fit the description? Would he sell it to you?

DR: He may. I fit at least three-quarters of it. I think he just has final approval.

GRM: Okay. Is there a waitlist?

DR: No, I don’t… I’m not sure that he’s sold any, yet. You can either have it… what’s it called? Not intravenous but…

GRM: In vitro?

DR: In vitro. Or the natural way, but that costs a little more.

GRM: Fair enough. It is a little more work.

DR: Exactly.

GRM: Do you believe that Scrotal Vengeance is a dish best served cold?

DR: [laughs] I believe it’s one hell of a comedy! It’s one of the best titles and I don’t think anybody has not asked me about Scrotal Vengeance. And there are actually three Scrotal Vengeances…

GRM: Really?

DR: Yes, three of them…

CK: I figured there’d be two…

DR: I’m only in one, though. Scrotal Vengeance, which is by Chris Seaver… he’s the funniest filmmaker. He’s about 25 years old and he’s the new Troma, basically. He’s up in Rochester and he makes these crazy Troma-esque movies. He did a movie called Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape.

CK: I was wondering about that, actually.

DR: It’s parodying the Kill Bill movies. Completely.

GRM: You come out of a coma…

DR: Yes! I come out of a coma but I’m…

GRM: …and go fight Teen Ape…

DR: Yes! But the thing is, in his movie, I went into a sugar coma because I was sort of like a geek…

GRM: …and he stole your [Halloween] candy?

DR: …and, yes. Exactly. But I come out and I’m actually… I am good looking instead of a geek. But I must avenge the people who stole my Halloween candy. So that’s the slight difference between the two movies. Otherwise, shot for shot, they’re the same.

CK: The new Quentin Tarrantino, obviously.

GRM: Yeah.

CK: Let’s hope he makes more movies than Tarantino, though… Where are we at here? If you were the president, I guess of the United States, right?

GRM: Sure. Might as well be.

CK: Or of the MPAA…

DR: Of the world?

CK: Or of the world, yeah. What would be the first thing you would do to make the world… not even necessarily a better place… you can make it a worse place if you want to. You can do whatever you want.

DR: Okay. This is very very political and boring…

CK: Make it fun.

DR: I would absolutely, immediately develop a replacement for gas because within a hundred years we’re not going to have any polar bears left. The ice is melting up there and the female polar bears have to… Literally, they have five months less of food that they actually get to eat and feed their babies with. They’re underweight by a hundred pounds and ir babies are underweight by I don’t know how many pounds. Within, literally, a hundred years, they will no longer exist.

GRM: So, you’re a fan of polar bears.

DR: I’m a fan of polar bears. I’m a fan of ice. I’m not a fan of pretending that this greenhouse effect is just a hippie thought. It’s very real and I think we’re extremely selfish people and we should do something about it.

CK: Have you seen all those Chevy ads talking about how they have thirty million green fuel vehicles? Do you believe that?

DR: Do I believe it? I don’t know. But I do know one person in L.A. that bought a non-gas vehicle. They were on the waiting list. But you have no choice of the color, for some reason.

GRM: What?!

DR: Like, it just shows up. It could be blue, red, yellow… Why is that? You know what I mean? Isn’t that strange? There’s, like, no choice of the color.

GRM: That is really strange.

DR: It’s odd.

GRM: It’s going to keep me up at night.

CK: And the polar bears.

GRM: What do you think of the Dubai Port situation, then?

DR: The what?

GRM: Dubai Port situation?

DR: Ooh. Tell me about that.

GRM: United Arab Emirates…

DR: Oh, yes! The ports! I see what you’re saying.

GRM: Good idea or bad idea?

DR: Oh, man. It seems like racial profiling to me. Doesn’t it? Can’t there be normal Arabian-type people? Can’t there be? I think it’s just like the McCarthy era. Like when Hollywood went through the communist… the whole thing they went through. I think it’s just this fear-driven ridiculous behavior on the part of politicians. Y’know, I spoke to a lot of doctors (I just want to segue into a very important subject matter, here), but I’ve spoken to a lot of doctors… A filmmaker that I know, his father is a researcher of infectious diseases. I asked him seriously. I said, ‘Do you really think that this bird virus, this bird-flu virus… How real is that?’ and he says, ‘It’s really not.’ And he says, ‘They’re just wanting to sell Tamiflu.’

CK: Does he think so?

GRM: Really?

DR: Yeah. He really does. It’s not the first time that I’ve heard that. I think our society is so fear-driven…

GRM: It’s a good marketing plan, though.

DR: It is. But it really is. And every commercial on TV is fear-driven. ‘Do you want to do this? Do you want more of this? Less of that?’ I mean, it’s always, sort of, playing into your fears. And then, that’s what I do, too, right? I make horror movies and I play into your fears.

GRM: That’s true.

DR: So, I’m a hypocrite.

[Laughter]

DR: You didn’t know that about me. I didn’t know that about me.

GRM: Last night, we saw… What is it? Corpses are…

DR: Corpses are Forever. By a filmmaker that’s in Miami. It’s his first film. [It was] shot in 35[mm]. I thought it was really beautiful. He had two 35mm cameras, a great cinematographer… His sound was just terrible.

GRM: Yeah.

DR: He got screwed in the sound.

GRM: But it did look good.

DR: It did look good.

CK: You are saying the same exact thing we said, last night, actually.

DR: Yeah. And he knows it. He knows it. He has such an interesting story. His parents came from Cuba and he now lives with his grandparents down in Miami and they both died and they left him approximately, a little bit less than, say, a quarter of a million dollars, and he made this movie with all of that money.

CK: That’s brave.

DR: This was his thing, and the sound guy completely screwed him. He spent all of his money, and being his first film, he didn’t leave enough money for the post, so, even though he cut it, he wasn’t able to fix the sound. It’s such a sad story because I think it could have been more enjoyable. I mean, there are other problems with the movie, but I think if the sound was really slick, it would’ve…

GRM: Been a lot better.

DR: Yeah, been a lot better.

GRM: You’ve written. You’ve produced. Do you have any aspirations to direct?

DR: Not right now. I think I would only want to direct if I had a project that I couldn’t not direct. Like, if I had an idea that was just burning in my brain and I had to do it, because I know how hard it is and I know to do it well is very hard. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to do it, but just I really do enjoy producing at Fangoria Entertainment. I have my own show, there, but I love producing, love writing, acted forever. Love it. But I don’t have that pull. Not right now. Tomorrow, I could wake up and have it, but I don’t. I don’t. Too many problems.

GRM: Yeah.

DR: I don’t want to be stressed out like that. Then you have to worry about everything.

GRM: Before today, had you ever heard of LushForLife?

DR: Y’know, I did. I’d heard of it in New York. People talk about it in the street, in Starbuck’s. It’s amazing. People reference it on the news.

GRM: So, you would say it’s the best website ever, probably…

DR: Ever! Ever! It’s better than mine, better than MySpace; it’s better than Google. It’s better than anything. It’s my favorite.

GRM: We should go public.

DR: You should go public.

CK: Do we have time [to go public] today?

DR: I thought you were out in the public. You should go public, and after all of this, I am actually going to go to the website, now.

GRM: Great! That’s a good idea. We also make up a lot of stories. Can we make up a story about you?

DR: Yes.

GRM: We could make one up, if you don’t mind.

DR: Me? I should do it?

GRM: No. We’ll just write one about you, randomly.

DR: Sure. Absolutely. Write it. Um, I don’t know what. Write what you want.

GRM: You could write a story. Just a random, fake story. You’re welcome to submit one.

DR: Yeah. Jeez, there’s just so many things, what couldn’t you say?

CK: You could write a story about… what’s the name of the drug you were talking about for bird flu?

GRM: Tamiflu.

CK: Yeah. She said that, first thing I thought was, yeah, there’s a story right there.

DR: Yeah. That I’m for it or against it?

GRM: Doesn’t matter.

DR: So, it’s a scam. By the way, it’s true, but, yes, say that I personally endorse the fact that this is a scam to sell Tamiflu, just like it was a scam after 9/11 to sell New Yorkers duct tape and tell them that that was going to make them safe. Isn’t that great? That was really smart.

CK: I think, y’know, one or two people bought it.

DR: It’s brilliance on part of the government, y’know? They spend so much money on these things and yet we have Tamiflu and polar bears and…

GRM: You could take duct tape, Tamiflu, and polar bears and tie them up into one story.

DR: Yes, I could.

GRM: That would be good.

DR: Literally tie them up.

GRM: There you go. With duct tape.

DR: Actually duct tape the ice so it doesn’t melt, anymore…

GRM: And pump the polar bears full of Tamiflu.

DR: Inject Tamiflu into the polar bears so they don’t get sick and die. Maybe we could do something like that. I don’t know. And shoot any Republicans that try to go up to Alaska.

GRM: Feed them to the polar bears. They’re underweight, already, remember?

DR: But I hear Jeb Bush is doing a good job, here, so I hate to trash him.

GRM: Oh, go right ahead, please.

DR: Oh, really?

CK: Yeah, sure.

DR: Are you non-Jebs? It seems like Jeb Bush is doing good and he got the only good genes in the family.

GRM: Both of them.

CK: They were Levi’s.

DR: Yes. Exactly.

CK: Actually, they were probably Wrangler’s.

DR: Yeah. He doesn’t shoot people in the face.

CK: Not yet. Well, not that he’s talked about.

GRM: Pity.

DR: Yeah. Well, you get a lot more done that way. It was kind of funny that they [Dick Cheney and pal] were hunting quail when, in fact, his [George “Dubya” Bush] father’s vice president was Dan Quayle. I find that very… if you’re a conspiracy theorist…

GRM: I don’t think anyone’s played that angle.

DR: See? There’s a conspiracy theory there, right?

GRM: … Um, I’m behind you.

DR: Maybe he was aiming at Dan Quayle, to be honest, and he accidentally shot the other guy.

CK: And who wouldn’t want to? I mean, Dan Quayle?

DR: He called it “quail hunting.” He got out of the car to shoot quail? You see what I’m saying?

GRM: I think you’re onto something here.

DR: Ooh. Interesting.

GRM: If you ever want to write for us, please check us out.

DR: Okay. Obviously, you can see that I’m very intelligent…

GRM: As long as you can write.

DR: Yes.

GRM: We know you can act, but let’s see if you can write.

DR: I try and I do actually write for a lot of magazines. Is it like TheOnion, then?

GRM: Yes. But a little edgier.

DR: Edgier?

GRM: And some other real stuff.

DR: Kind of mixed in: real and unreal. I like that.

CK: We cuss and make fun of things. We have no respect at all.

[Laughter]

CK: We’re jerks.

GRM: Do we have any more questions, or should we let the lady get back to work?

CK: Um, where is the “B” Movie Hall of Fame? Every hall of fame is in Canton, Ohio, so it’s gotta be in Canton, Ohio.

DR: I’ll tell you where it is: it’s in Syracuse, New York.

GRM: Really? Not Canton, Ohio?

DR: Nope.

CK: Everything else is in Canton, Ohio.

DR: I have not been to Canton, Ohio.

CK: That’s where the Baseball Hall of Fame is; the Football Hall of Fame. Not the “B” Movie Hall of Fame, apparently.

DR: Nope, nope. It’s in the great Syracuse, New York.CK: I was going to ask you earlier if you had any problems with Laura Dern, because I thought we’d done good research, but you brought up Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains before we did.

DR: Did I have problems with her? No. Laura Dern was just very studious and kept to herself. Diane Lane, on the other hand, was so young – she was fourteen or fifteen, at the time – and she wanted to go out and party. She had her mother there, because she was so young. She actually had a shower scene and a make out scene with Ray Winston. But, she was on set, so, she was going through that trying to get away from her mother thing, I think, so she was on the set, sowing her wild oats and really getting into her sexuality and that age.

GRM: At fourteen? Nice. Good job.

DR: Well, I heard she lost her virginity at, um, thirty. No, I…

GRM: I’m planning to, soon. Any day, now.

DR: Any day, now. Any day, now. There’s actually… I’d really like to mention that there’s going to be a Troma disc coming out that is highlighting all of the work I’ve done with them the past fifteen years. It includes the movies, the skits, intros, stuff we’ve done for overseas television, Cinemax, and everything. But – here’s the clincher, this is the good part – it’s going to be hosted by one of my biggest fans who really really is a forty year-old virgin. For real.

GRM: Really?

DR: Yeah.

GRM: Wow.

DR: Yes. And he is absolutely amazing. I think he might steal my thunder, to be honest, because the clips are great but this guy… His name is George and…

GRM: What’s the boxed set called?

DR: I don’t know, yet, but it’s going to be something like My Dinner with a Stalker or The Stalker Diaries. I don’t think it will be Debbie Rochon’s Best in Tromaville. That’s too boring. It’s going to be ‘stalker’ in there, because I think it will grab people.

CK: People like stalkers.

DR: They do.

CK: It’s such a Hollywood society.

DR: You’re nobody unless you have had one.

CK: I’ve had three.

DR: Have you?

CK: This week.

DR: Where they all men?

CK: Two men and a young, small girl.

DR: Young men… Two older men and a young girl.

CK: This forty year-old virgin – is this religious for him? Is it religious, like, ‘God doesn’t want me to have sex until I find the right one?’

DR: No, no. No, it’s not. It’s absolutely not.

CK: Is he really creepy?

DR: Well, he’s unusual. I had a showing of a movie of mine called American Nightmare at this theater. It screened at seven o’clock and he got there at eleven a.m. to make sure he was the first one there.

CK: People do that for Star Wars months in advance.

DR: It’s not that crazy. He has asked my character – not me, but my character from a movie – to marry him. He’s written letters to Jane, which is the character’s name. Long letters, and hopes for a reply. It’s not a religious thing. He actually has a page on MySpace and he says that his fantasy is a female magician who is a lesbian who will force him to watch he have lesbian acts and then allow him to touch their soft calves and then, afterwards, marry him.

CK: Isn’t that all of our fantasies?

GRM: You can’t make that kind of stuff up.

DR: Yeah, but it has to be in that exact order.

CK: I’m flexible on the calf thing, so…

GRM: I prefer the joint at the knee, personally.

CK: You’re a knee guy?

DR: Everybody has their variation on it, but it’s… He’s a very fascinating man.

GRM: Thank you very much, ma’am.

DR: Thank you very much.

GRM: Check out the site.

DR: Yes! I’m going to go, now, because I’ve read about it in the New York Times and I’ve read about it in Wall Street Journal and now I must actually go to the site.

-fin-

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Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Review

Ah, back in the days when they tried to make porn like real movies… A young girl (Linda Lovelace) isn’t quite getting the satisfaction she thinks she should. So when her friend suggests she goes to the doctor to find out what’s wrong, he makes a startling discovery. Her clitoris is way down in the back of her throat. The doctor (Harry Reems), then teaches her the ancient art of the Deep Throat.

Reason to Watch

Linda Lovelace’s ability to control her gag reflex is most impressive.

Context

This is one of the first mainstream hardcore porn films, although tame by today’s standards, is a must see for any cult film afficionado.

Most memorable quote(s)

• “Do you want to get off or blow up a city?”
• “These are expensive treatments you know.”

What you need to get through this movie

Amyl nitrate. This is pornography, duh.

Trivia

Linda Lovelace later claimed she was forced at gunpoint to do these movies.  She contracted Hepatitis due to a blood transfusion she had in her twenties. She would later need a liver transplant.

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Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Review

Meg Kelten is a seemingly typical 1960′s housewife, cleaning house in sheer lingerie and poofy pumps and such, until her husband decides to go to work on a (gasp) Saturday! After cleaning their obviously modern pad, she enters the real world, only to get raped, raped, beaten, raped, raped, beaten, raped, and then beaten. Along the way she strips to her undies and does some acrobatics and such, but that’s only to fill in the gaps between scenes of rape and violence. Look out for a twist ending that’s sure to keep you thinking for minutes!

Reason to Watch

Other than the obvious reason of seeing a woman get repeatedly raped and beaten, Bad Girls Go to Hell has some of the worst dubbing ever put to film.

Context

For 1965, this has got to be one of the raunchiest movies going. It’s an interesting look into post-1950’s feminine subservience, yet at the same time giving one a glimpse at the women’s-lib movement that was just around the corner.

Most memorable quote(s)

“You are the kindest man I’ve ever met.”

What you need to get through this movie

With it’s repetitive theme of rape and brutality, this is definitely a film to drink yourself into. Because of a nonsensical scene with a former alcoholic, Cutty Sark would be the liquor of choice. For fun, have a shot every time someone walks directly into the camera for a scene change.

Trivia

Doris Wishman was the only woman to churn out sexploitation flicks in the 1960′s. Though she enjoyed many aspects of film production and was also the director, she abhorred actually making the films.

Educational Content

1. Never, ever leave your apartment if you are an attractive female.
2. One can go from sober to violently drunk to asleep in less than two minutes with Cutty Sark.
3. All men are rapists. Except the ones that beat you.
4. Women never wear clothes at home – unless it is completely see-thru.
5. You can beat a woman and beat a woman, but she’ll never learn and never bruise.

Justification for Rating

Bad Girls Go to Hell gets two stars – one star for the beating, one star for the raping.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgn0AXpQbHI

Related posts:

1. Review of Gallery of Horrors
2. Review of Werewolf Woman