Comedy

Review of Return of the Living Dead

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Return of the Living DeadRating: ★★★★★★★☆☆☆

Review

When Dan O’Bannon and George Romero crafted Night of the Living Dead in the late 60’s, the producers and the duo themselves never obtained proper copyright. In totality, the franchise naming and overall premise wasn’t particularly owned by anyone, allowing both O’Bannon and Romero to create two deviating franchises based on the original movie. Due to creative differences, the two parted, and O’Bannon took a more humors approach to the zombie apocalypse, ushering in Return of the Living Dead and four sequels. And like many many-sequeled franchises, it is the earliest iteration that obtains the most respect. Return of the Living Dead is a largely comical trope through the zombie outbreak, drowning in comical overdone make-up effects and solidifying many zombie archetypes that stay in place even to today.

Reason to Watch

If you felt the zombie apocalypse story lacked a little comedy relief this way of jar Jar Binks or Animal House, return of the Living Dead is there to save the day.

Context

Return of the Living Dead is violent, gruesome, and horrifying stupid. With that said, it’s pure unrelenting entertainment, and I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • Burt Wilson: I thought you said if we destroyed the brain, it’d die! 
    Frank: It worked in the movie! 
    Burt Wilson: Well, it ain’t working now, Frank! 
    Freddy: You mean the movie lied? 
  • Suicide: How come you guys only come around when you need a ride someplace? 
    Spider: ‘Cause you’re one spooky motherfucker, man. 
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

A love for zombie films is pretty necessary. this thing is straight zombie grade-A sweetness

Trivia
  • The film’s original intention was to be filmed in 3-D. Not quite Avatar level 3-D I’m sure, but also two decades before that movie became a hit
  • Executives attempted to get George A. Romero involved with the project as producer, and had a hefty lump to pay. He never responded
  • The director was shocked to see so many females interested in the film, saying he would have shown Thom Matthews naked if he knew that would occur
Educational Content

Even in death, you have a sense of humour

Nicknames make you zombie fodder

Justification for Rating

This unrelenting take on the zombie franchise works better as a comedy and as an entertaining film far more than any of George A. Romero’s latter-day zombie attempts where he essentially took the zombies in a direction of banding together and forming societies- except without the comedy and more of a “we’re serious, we’re building a farm” angle. it was awful.

Clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wylpeAXYcBQ

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Drama

Review of Tokyo Fist

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Tokyo FistRating: ★★★★★★★★☆☆

Review

With a title such as Tokyo Fist you may expect something akin to Kung Pow:Enter the Fist or a Bruce Lee cross-over flick, adorning more to comedy trite than ruthless violence. Tokyo Fist is unrelenting, gruesome, and merciless in its presentation. Sort of like The Passion of the Christ, except with less Jesus and more twenty-something Asian amateur boxers. Despite its violence, the film is drowning in melodramatic bullshit that would make a sixty-something American Lifetime move fan  roll her eyes. Yet if you can manage pass the drama, and there is a lot of it, you find some unrelenting sequences of pure pain and horror, where the two lead characters bash each other’s faces in, echoing the sentiments of the late 90’s flick, Fight Club. tokyo Fist is angry at something, maybe the actors, because the director truly run these kids through the ringer of what a face can handle.

Reason to Watch

For the girls, lots of shirtless ripped men. For the guys, these men beat the living fuck out of eachother. Win win.

Context

Tokyo Fist is the antithesis of visually charged spectacles of Japanese fighting culture. It’s like they took Rambo and Rocky, added a sprinkle of love quadrangle romance, added two Asian leads, and threw blood over everyone and everything.  Though Tokyo Fist seems to be trying to tell us something about violence and human nature, and I can’t quite pinpoint it. oh well, time to watch Rambo: First Blood Part 2 in 3-D for the umpteenth time.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • Tsuda: At least I don’t have problems with staying awake anymore.
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

An empty stomach

Trivia
  • This is director Shinya Tsukamoto’s second film, one that is just as unapologetic as his debut, Tetsuo.
Educational Content

If you punch someone’s face hard enough, their face will explode

Even people in Tokyo are lonely

Justification for Rating

The movie has a message, but it doesn’t drown out the simple fact that people beat the hell out of each other, and it looks painful and it’s simply brutal and there are consequences when it occurs in real life. But since this is Tokyo and that place is real far away, we can just pretend this is a crazy Japanese game show, so we fill no emotional or moral obligation to address anything the film has to say.

Clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsCCQRqZNHA

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Horror

Review of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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Rating: ★★★★★★★★★☆

Review

A gang of young kids driving through Texas in a van hear stories of killings in the area… feeling invincible they continue on until they pick up a hitchiker who is obsessed with telling them the killing methods they use at the slaughterhouse he works at. After the hitchiker slashes his hands, sets shit on fire and demands money, they kick him out of the van, but not before he cuts the hand of wheelchair riding Franklin. They run out of gas after kickin’ out the hitchslasher and Kirk, the driver, heads for an old house and becomes the first to meet Leatherface and his mallet. Kirks girlfriend Pam comes after him only to end up fatality number 2, this time with a pretty little hook shoved through her back. Jerry, rings in at number 3, falling victim to the mallet.
The only ones left now are Franklin and his sister Sally… after nobody comes back to the van they figure it’s time to go find them. Franklin, obviously easy prey, is next as Leatherface takes him down. Sally is now left all alone and leads Leatherface on a long chase that ends with her being held up in Leatherface’s house with him and his fucked up family. Between the furniture being made out of human bones and the hitchslasher from earlier being one of the family members, Sally, being the bright girl she is in this movie, realizes she should probably get the hell out there. She manages to escape, gives chase again… this time leaving Leatherface behind.

Reason to Watch

Next weeks dinner ideas.

Context

Made “presumably” on true events and had a much larger impact on audiences in 1974 than it would now. Not a lot of gore and blood, but a nice sense of terror for the most port.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • “My family’s always been in” meat”
  • “That’s the last goddamn hitchhiker I ever pick up”
  • “I just can’t take no pleasure in killing. There’s just some things you gotta do. Don’t mean you have to like it”
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

A couple of napkins and some of that home made chili from the old smelly couple down the street.

Trivia
  • Despite the implications of the film’s title, only one victim is killed by a chainsaw (Franklin).
  • The financing for this film came from profits made off Deep Throat (1972).
  • Uncredited and then unknown John Larroquette provided the narration
Educational Content

Never pick up hitchhikers, never trust a man who uses human skin as a facial mask, and never eat chili in Texas.

Clip

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-73BUDHcCCc

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Horror

Review of Hellraiser

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Rating: ★★★★★★★★★★

Review

The movie starts with a quick introduction of Frank – a sadist looking for the ultimate pleasure. He buys this puzzle from this dude and while messing around with it opens the doors to a world of wonder and joy, filled with chains, hooks and random body parts. Forward ahead several years… Franks brother Larry along with his new wife Julia and daughter Kirsty move into Franks abandoned house. When Larry bust open a vein and spills some blood on the attic floor Frank is magically resurrected, with a catch. His body is only half intact and to get back into shape he needs more blood. Frank reaches out to Julia,  who he use to have vicious, hard-core romps in the sack with before his disappearance. Julia, who never stopped craving Frank to begin with starts whoring herself out to get Frank some dinner. Kirsty, who has already moved out to get away from the bitch, starts wondering just wth her mommy dearest is up to and follows her, watches her bring home her latest trist and comes face to face with the not-quite-completed Frank. She escapes with the box and wakes up in the hospital. After piddle-fucking around with it she solves it, summoning a great group of guys called the Cenobites. They come to claim her body and soul until she tells them she can give them Frank – who they were pretty peeved with. They agree, Kirsty goes hoem to retrieve Frank for her new friends and find he has taken over her dad’s body. The Cenobites welcome Frank back with open arms and Kirsty is off the hook..

Reason to Watch

If for no other reason, you gotta watch to see Julia lay one on Franks adorable face.

Context

Unique story line for it’s time. Original, sadistic and gruesome without being to cheesy.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • “We have such sights to show you”
  • “No tears please, it’s a waste of good suffering”
  • “Welcome to the worst nightmare of all… reality!”
Trivia
  • The film’s original title was “Sadomasochists From Beyond The Grave”
  • The budget for this film was $1 million dollars
  • The film is based on Clive Barker’s book “The Hellbound Heart”
Educational Content

The school systems would do good to replace traditional sex-ed classes with this film.

Justification for Rating

I gave it a 10 based on originality, the creepy factor, and I love seeing people hit in the head with hammers.

Clip

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAx34IZ8bTk

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Action

Review of Orca, The Killer Whale

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Orca, the Killer Whale movie poster

Rating: ★★★★★☆☆☆☆☆

Review

Orca, the Killer Whale is a heartwarming tale of a killer whale and the captain that killed his mate. A new spin on Moby Dick, it features Richard Harris (known as the first Dumbledore to Harry Potter fans) trying to outsmart a pissed off killer whale.

Reason to Watch

The fine acting by the killer whale, squawking in horror as his dying mate gives premature birth to a rubber whale fetus, is a performance for the ages, and was sadly ignored by the Academy that year.

Context

In the great Hollywood tradition, this scientific travesty of a movie was green lit in an attempt to cash in on the popularity of Jaws. The human acting is questionable, effects are decent, and you can tell when they are shooting captive whales in tanks. Produced by one of the high kings of 70’s and 80’s cheese, Dino De Laurentis, this is a pungent offering for fans of animal horror.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • It is known that they have great memory and, even after many years, they will always remember the human being who has tried to harm them.
  • But you’ll murder him – you’ll sit here safe on the jetty, and shoot him through the eye? You’re not a man, you’re an animal! Its creatures like you science should be observing!
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

I did just fine with a bottle of spiced rum. Taking a shot every time they show a closeup of the whale’s mournful eye will get you loaded within an hour.

Trivia

In the mid-80s, Dino De Laurentiis considered a sequel to King Kong that would have had him going head-to-head with an Orca.

Educational Content
  • Killer whales are vengeful dicks, who will eat Bo Derek’s leg to teach you a lesson.
Justification for Rating

Vague references to Native American mysticism, vengeful sea mammals and a score by Ennio Morricone make for an entertaining, one-time experience. Sadly, as in most cases, the movie is nowhere near as epic as the poster.

Clip

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