September 11th, 2010 at the Tampa Pitcher Show Cult Flicks Latest Movie Troll 2 “Best Worst Movie”

www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyophYBP_w4

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Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Review

Believe it or not kids, there was once a day when porn was not a mouse click away. Back in those days, we had to find other ways to see boobs, and horror films provided that opportunity. I remember the joys seeing “The Hunger” for the first time, that sexy section of video took some wear and tear I can tell you. So why this relevant? “Werewolf Woman” is basically a softcore porn film masquerading as a horror. The film starts off with a naked woman dancing around a fire before she turns into a werewolf and kills some people.

Flash forward to the “modern” day where distant relative Daniella Neseri (Annik Borel), having been recently raped, now makes an emotional connection to her family’s past before going on a killing spree which includes a lot of the biting out of men’s’ throats. She does not actually turn into a were-wolf; she just acts like one. She is, however, cured when she falls in love with a stuntman. They run along sandy beaches and they laugh and blah blah blah as he jumps through windows and crashes burning motorcycles. Fortunately, before it turns into the prequel to The Notebook, she is raped by three men and her boyfriend is killed. This sets her off again and she ends up in an asylum – typical. This is campy 70’s horror with bright red blood and loads of pointless nudity. Best of all, it’s based on a true story, but any similarities between anyone living or dead is apparently purely coincidental.

Reason to Watch

Porn is pretty easy to get hold of these days, so the number one reason to see this film is out. So my vote goes for the story. Seeing grown women running around, naked, biting out people’s throats is just plain super.

Context

This is a typical 70′s exploitation-horror film staple of Rino Di Silvestro, whose other films included “The Erotic Dreams of Cleopatra”, “Sex Slayer,” and “Love and Death in a Women’s Prison.” The nudity goes beyond what would have been seen in English language horror films and was even dubbed a “video nasty” and banned in the UK.

Most memorable quote(s)

“I saw you making love with Fabin. It was obscene, disgusting, but you liked it.” “Daniella, did you see that fall? Wasn’t it gay!”

What you need to get through this movie

I suggest watching this movie like a teenager from the 80′s. That means a box of tissues and the video remote control so you can fast forward the boring medical stuff.

Trivia

Annik Borel (also in “Blood Orgy of the She Devils”) made two more movies before she quit acting never to be seen again. The film was marketed under several titles including “Daughter of a Werewolf,” “Naked Werewolf Woman,” “Terror of the She Wolf,” and bizarrely in America, “The Wolf Man.” It was also selected by Quentin Tarantino for the First Annual Quentin Tarantino Film Fest in Austin, Texas in 1996. Tarantino had actually never seen the picture before he screened it. He loved it so much that all subsequent Film Fests had a surprise movie added to the end of each all-nighter known as the “Wolf Woman” selection; defined as an outrageous exploitation film sure to wake up the audience. “Wolf Women” selections over the years have included “The Blood Spattered Bride” and “Mighty Peking Man.”

Educational Content

1. Trained stuntmen can fall off buildings, fly through windows, but can’t take a chair to the back.
2. You are going to be at least as crazy your ancestors.
3. Avoid nude women in the woods.
4. Don’t make a she-wolf give you a blowjob.
5. She-wolves have really hairy boobs.
6. Stunt men can’t resist jumping through windows to impress the ladies.

Justification for Rating

This film was a lot of fun, although I could have done with less nudity and more wolf, but I guess the costume and make-up department blew their load on the opening sequence. It’s a great tale of revenge, the wicked are punished and the only victim is everyone else.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFM06dzGxCM

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Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, while maybe not so awful it would make you want rip out your eyes with wasabi-tipped chopsticks, it is most certainly way overhyped. Even A-list celebrities (Alec Baldwin, Ving Rhames, and Steve Buscemi) and state of the art CGI aren’t enough to make this movie watchable more than once. A bland story line that’s not up to par with any of the games makes me wish that I hadn’t doled out my eight bucks to see this in the theater.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnE64DbnUzY

Street Fighter: The Movie

This movie is so bad that I truly believe that it killed my beloved Raul Julia. If you have ever played the Street Fighter series, you already know the plot. A couple of gay guys in their blue and red karate outfits “hadouken” their way in and out of trouble with one-eyed warlords and eccentric generals obsessed with the love of world damnation (domination?) and super-science.  Somehow a star at the time, the very Belgian and also probably very gay Jean-Claude Van Damme plays the Super American “Colonel Guile”. Much like the game, when this is on I have to watch but then soon realize why I hate it – it just goes on and on with no point, fighting the same fight, and doing the same damn cheat moves. DAMN YOU RYU!!!!!!

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=avXsM2n2oqg

Double Dragon

Ah, 1994. A great time! Clinton was in the White House, Phil Hartman was still alive, and Kurt Cobain’s head was splattered all over his garage. What wasn’t great was the live-action movie of one of the greatest NES games of all time. The Double Dragon movie is so bad that anytime I even hear about it, I force carnal thoughts of Cloris Leachman upon myself just to get the thought of it out of my mind. The only thing that saves this from being the worst video game movie ever is Alyssa Milano and the creepy burn victim Bo Abobo saying, “Wut Up Chikin Butt?”.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qa8eF3VLDsE

Super Mario Brothers

Here’s an idea: take the most iconic video game franchise ever and see what happens if we let the guys who brought us Max Headroom make a movie out of it and see what happens. I’ll tell you what will happen: it will suck, and not just in that “Hey, did you just see that Adam Sandler movie?” way. I mean really suck, like you’re stuck in line for the bathroom at an all-you-can-eat taco bar and the guy in front of you is Louie Anderson. Nothing in this movie made any sense. Dennis Hopper was freaking King Koopa. The studio would have done better if they went to a costume store, bought a Godzilla outfit, and paid a bum with Olde English 800 and McRib sandwiches to run around saying “Rawww”. I would rather go to an autoerotic asphyxiation party with Patty Hurst and the guys from INXS than have to watch this again.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cd-h8q-C58k

Mortal Kombat 2: Annihilation

This is it! Not only the worst video game movie I have ever seen, it’s in the running for worst movie ever made. Mortal Kombat 2 is so bad that it is said it was used as a torture device at Guantanamo Bay until it was deemed too cruel for human viewing. While I have no proof of this, I think the director stole 80% of the budget and ran to Mexico for a huge Coke party and left his duties to a 9-year-old Filipino Down’s syndrome kid on twenty hits of acid. While in theory this may sound like a way to get a box office smash, in practice, it’s not so good. May death come swiftly to those who watch this.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HbNLiR1trY

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Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Review

Kazumi (Jon Moritsugu) and his girlfriend, Eightball, are just trying to make it by until the next score while his mom chats up the pizza boy, dad prepares for armageddon, brother Marvin discovers his sexuality, and sister Holly makes plans for a getaway. Bizarre, bloody, and gut-bustingly hilarious, Terminal USA is the best cult film ever made that you may never see. With zero distribution and cult video stores falling off the face of the planet, this gem will most likely slip further into cult obscurity (which is way worse than regular obscurity).

Reason to Watch

If for no other reason, Terminal USA is worth an hour out of your life for Marvin’s bizarre sexual awakening and fetish fulfillment at the hands of a group of violent skinheads.

Context

In 1993, real independent film was not yet considered a viable commodity (Pulp Fiction had not yet been released), so films like this were made on the cheap and then used to prop up wobbly desks. If Terminal USA had waited a year or so, it could easily have been one of the best cult movies ever.

Most memorable quote(s)

• “I am the pervert in the back bedroom!”
• “It’s a load of crap straight out the donkey’s ass!”
• “Confucius say, ‘Hospitals are for pussies.’”
• “You really sizzled my wiener, last night, girlie.”

What you need to get through this movie

With its ability to fit a ton of awesome into less than an hour, shove an “eightball” of lello up the nose to enjoy this film at maximum cool.

Trivia

Jon Moritsugu convinced PBS to finance a documentary about Japanese-Americans and instead made this fictional piece. It did, however, air on PBS between 1994-95.

Educational Content

1. Japanese-Americans can be just as fucked up as any Caucasian one.
2. Rocking horses provide the for the best masturbatory tools.
3. Skinheads will get you and your entire family if you fuck with them.
4. The Asian sex-slave trade is alive and well.
5. Americans can’t tell the difference between Chinks and Japs.
6. That hot phone-sex operator you call is really just a dude in drag. Why he dresses up to talk on the phone, we’ll never know.

Justification for Rating

Terminal USA is nearly perfect in every way. That’s all.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rTHvMfDVBE

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The Giant Gila Monster

What sets this classic 50s Sci-Fi fiasco apart from other giant monster movies is its complete lack of respect for the laws of the giant monster movie. Rule 1: Giant Monsters come from a complete disregard for the laws of nature. This is where the moral of the story comes in – don’t pollute, clone, or mongrelize the races, or a 40-foot tall salamander will eat your family. This rule is broken by simply not explaining where the Gila Monster came from, what it wants, and how to reverse the science that created it. Rule 2: Keep the monster mysterious. Well, the opening scene shows the angry man in the lizard suit, so that’s right out. Rule 3: Get another monster to kill it. Our hero, Chase, kills the monster by driving a 50s hotrod stuffed with nitroglycerin into the beast – of course.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=siRaaXczANo

The Toxic Avenger II

Simply one of the greatest bad movies of all time! Troma outdid themselves with a 10-minute opening fight scene where the world’s greatest, hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength from New Jersey beats, blends, crushes, and rips apart a random assortment of stereotypes before traveling to Japan (by windsurfing) to find his dad. Toxie, as his friends call him, an ex-janitor, travels to Tokyo and learns the finer points of Japanese life and culture. He bathes in a traditional Japanese sento (bath house), eats shabu-shabu, and fights evil. I would strongly recommend drinking large quantities of sake and Drano® for this one.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sbBFROaJ-k

Brain Damage

If you ever find yourself attached to a brain-eating worm that looks like a penis and enjoys bad jokes, then Brain Damage is perfect for you. Did I mention he injects LSD and happiness directly into your spinal column? Complete with violence, exploding heads, anonymous sex in back alleys, and something that was either another exploding head or a Buddha-style enlightenment moment. The shear simplicity of the plot (as far as LSD injecting, brain eating worm plots can be simple) will leave you feeling spiritually in touch… or possibly wanting to jab a cheese knife in your ear – one or the other.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyXbjg1zdD4

Dead Alive

Possibly the bloodiest movie ever, this early Peter Jackson film is brilliant beyond your wildest dreams, especially if you only know him from those Lord of the Rings films. Look out for an especially disgusting scene that will change the way you look at custard forever, and the murder of hundreds of zombies with a gas-powered lawn mower. And a zombie pastor screwing a zombie nurse. And an partially-digested dog. And…

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxcyAkSQKZw

Forbidden Zone

This musical gem gets forgotten when compared to the slightly less awesome Rocky Horror Picture Show, but it’s worth seeking out. This movie absolutely has it all: drugs, alcohol, sex, tits, violence, love, jealousy, Satan, giant frogs, midgets, jock straps, blackface, stockings, blood, decapitations, chickens… Too bad it doesn’t get its just rewards as the greatest cult musical of all time!

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3Uh-AFFDys

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Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Review

A homosexual sorceress with perfect hair and an affinity for buff young men puts on a masturbatory homage to street fighting, with a tropic twist. The greatest fighters in world not named Chuck Norris or Gary Coleman set forth to do battle to the death in order to save the earth. Mortal Kombat will take you to places you were pretty sure they would go, but with the help of the hottest 10,000 year old chick you will ever see they just might be able to pull off the greatest up set known to man.

Reason to Watch

Have you ever watch a softcore porn and said, “Hell, I wish they would just stop having sex and break out into a totally unrealistic fight scene?” If so, Mortal Kombat will give you the pleasure of those “late night movie channels” without the sticky clean up.

Context

1995 was a transitional time for video game graphics, where, in only a few years, Mortal Kombat video games would look and sound way better than the movie. Thank you PlayStation!

Most memorable quote(s)

“Those were $500 sunglasses, asshole!”
“I am going to shoot myself for being in your movie!”
“Finish Him!”

What you need to get through this movie

Freebasing peppermint patties is suggested for getting all the way through this movie. Not only will it enhance your experience, it will leave you with minty fresh breath!

Trivia

Sonya Blade (Bridgette Leann Wilson) is married to tennis pro Pete Sampras.
Won BMI Film Music Award

Educational Content

1. Modesty shorts are no substitute for a strong athletic cup.
2. Sibling squabbles don’t seem that important after your soul has been digested.
3. Never, ever ask an Asian to park your car or put up your luggage.
4. No matter what world you live in, the lovable black guy always dies

Justification for Rating

The mid 90’s brought us some of the worst video game movies the world has ever seen. If Double Dragon wasn’t bad enough film makers also came out with Street Fighter. This was so bad that it give Raul Juila cancer and luckly killed him before it destroyed his career. By using these two used tampons of motion picture as competition, Mortal Kombat is a watchable flick (by “watchable” I mean more like that time you drank a pint of Natural Citrus Listerine® at the Sadie Hawkins Dance and let that ugly chick give you a hand job.) It’s ok, just don’t let ever one know that. Mortal Kombat has everything a nostalgic twenty-somthing could ask for on a boring night.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTwvPSYUaFs

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