Scifi

Review of Idaho Transfer

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Idaho TransferRating: ★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

This movie sucks so hard it could turn itself inside out. Director Peter Fonda manages to take time travel and global apocalypse and make it as boring as walking through a grey baron wasteland… which, ironically, is what this film mostly consists of. The scary thing is, there actually seems to be real debate about whether this film is any good. Personally I think it is like Muholland Drive, ask someone what they thought of the movie and say they loved it, ask them what hell was going on and they have no idea. The only reason they said they loved is because they didn’t get it and don’t want to look stupid.
So Idaho Transfer tells the story of researchers who discover time travel, then they find out that in the future all life is destroyed so they travel further into the future to repopulate the human race, only they are now infertile so the whole thing was a big waste of time.

Reason to Watch

What makes a bad movie a good one is over the top campy acting, shaky sets, wild arguments, explosive characters and mosters, but here we are dumped on a baron rock with obnoxious kids. There is no gore, even when the girl gets her head smashed into a rock. I’m sure I did more damage to my head banging it against the wall as I forced myself to watch this pretentious crap. But if you want a reason to see it, watch it so you know how much better you can do with camcorder and your mates.

Context

This film was made as the hippy era was coming to an end and most people started not to care so much about the environment anymore. Nam and government corruption was bringing everyone down as Nixon faced the Watergate scandal. This was a film aimed at the youth, but by the time film was released the youth no longer cared and this film disappeared.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

“The oldest ones we saw were about 30, they don’t live very long and just gurgle and bump around”
“Some are so retarded they can’t even find food”
“He wants to be alone now! Don’t look for him!”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

Don’t smoke dope, this film is tough enough with trying to enhance the experience. This is all about survival, I suggest just have your mom come in every five minutes and slap you in the face.

Trivia

This was the beginning and ending for almost every ‘actor’ in the film, not one went on to do anything even remotely interesting.
The film ends with the quote “Esto Perpetua” which despite popular thought is not Latin for “You Wasted Your Life” but actually means “It is forever” and is the motto of the state of Idaho, which is quite depressing really.

Educational Content

1. In future people dress in silver and use humans for fuel.
2. Time travel is best left to the kids in skimpy underwear.
3. It turns out the future is a really boring place to be.

Justification for Rating

Peter Fonda only directed 3 films and the only good thing he did in this film was make sure he wasn’t in it. Of all the great landscapes in the world why did he have to pick Idaho’s baron wastelands. The film thinks it is smart, but gaping plot holes, flat acting and a budget that could barely rival your local high-school’s production of Our Town make this a dull and annoying experience. What I would give for a zombie, some blood or pointless nudity.

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Horror

Review of Devil Times Five

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Devil Times FiveRating: ★★½☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

A transport bus from a hospital for disturbed children crashes and five extremely disturbed, psychologically unbalanced children escape from the bus. Wondering trough the snow the group comes across the large house of Papa Doc, who is hosting a weekend get-together with his business mates and their wives. Shortly after taking in five children, a caretaker and his friends begin to regret their generosity. No sooner have the kids arrived then they set out to lay traps for the adults in the house. A series of horrible murders follows and caretaker and his friends begin to die violent deaths, one after another.

Reason to Watch

If you like to watch savage and gory death scenes than this is the right movie for you.

Context

This movie was made in 1970’s, a period that coud be called a horror film fan’s nirvana, when low-budget fright shows were outdoing themselves to be the next Last House on the Left or The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

Talking to the dead nun and driver: “Excuse me sister… Naughty maniac drivers don’t deserve medals”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

Brand new, top of the top, security doors and alarm system because when the movie gets rolling you don’t want anyone uninvited to drop in.

Trivia

The first cut ran less than an hour so the producers had to get together and write additional scenes and bring in a new director to direct them. This explains why many of the actors sometimes seem to be in scenes by themselves, why the walls in some rooms change colors.

Educational Content

I know how kids can be cute, but think once more if you want to take strange kid into your house.

Justification for Rating

I didn’t really liked concept this movie but I must admit, those kids have interesting idea on how to kill someone.

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Horror

Review of Deep Red (Profondo Rosso)

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Rating: ★★★★★☆☆☆☆☆

Review

This masterpiece by italian director Dario Argento revolves around the story of Marcus Daly, a music teacher, as he investigates the brutal murder of a mysterious psychic named Helga Ulmann. Many clues are present throughout the movie that should help Daly resolve the murder, but these are often overlooked by the music teacher, who has a hard time understanding what happens around him, and thus becomes a danger for himself and for others.

Reason to Watch

As with many of Argento’s movies, this is a very visual and psychological movie. Even though the story is pretty basic and overused, the settings, the imagery, and the psychological state in which the characters are is enough to make this movie very enjoyable.

Context

Profondo Rosso is definitively a good example of horror movies produced by Italy in the 70’s. Animal cruelty, mysterious characters and beautifully orchestrated scenes of violence abound, like in any good movie by Argento, Fulci or Deodato.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

Olga’s remark at the lizard mutilation scene is pure gold: “Don’t pay any attention; my father’s just a little crazy.”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

This italian slasher is a good example of a movie where the rich smell of freshly cooked popcorn is essential (Although you won’t have much appetite during the viewing, unless the bubbly sound of hot blood makes you hungry)

Trivia

Note that the scene in which a small lizard gets impaled by a pin is entirely true, as it is often the case in italian horror movies where animals get injured.

Educational Content

This shocker film will let you know one thing: Are you a true B-movie snob? if you enjoyed it like I did, than yes, you can now attend horror movie shootings wearing a beret and cussing about how modern horror movies have “no soul”.

Justification for Rating

I love B movies. I love Dario Argento. I love italian horror movies. if you were like me, you’d put 4 stars too!

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Horror

Review of Dead Men Walk

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Dead Men WalkRating: ★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

In the world of horror it is a given that in every set of twins, one is good and one is evil. In Dead Men Walk we open at the funeral of a man, we quickly find out that his brother killed him, but that is OK because the surviving brother is the good twin as the dead twin was evil and obsessed with the occult. However it is through occult that the evil twin wakes from the dead and is now suddenly and for no particular reason a vampire seeking revenge. This is a pretty good film in it’s own right, Frances Zucco gets to stretch his acting chops as both brothers, they even get to appear on screen at the same time in some pretty flashy special effects. What makes this film interesting is that that bad guy is the one seeking revenge and really his only crime was looking into the occult for which he brother threw him off a cliff. I would be feeling pretty revengeful myself.

Reason to Watch

There is a good story, the characters are interesting and the acting is actually pretty good. As a vampire film it lacks blood, but 1940s cinema had not yet reached the gore stage of evolution.

Context

This film sits quite comfortably among other horror films in the 30s and 40s, you have a clear bad guy, some occult, and loads of people who don’t believe that any of that crazy mumbo jumbo is real.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

“You’ll pray for death long before you die”.

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

To get through this movie, I suggest the following cocktail, drunken by practitioners of the occult the world over. Brian Hemorrhage 1 oz. Peach Schnapps 1 tsp. Bailey’s Irish Cream 2 drops Grenadine Pour the Peach Schnapps into a large shot glass. Slowly add the Bailey’s and top with the grenadine.

Trivia

Diretor Sam Newfield is renowned as the most prolific director in Hollywood history, he directed over 300 films, 16 of those in 1943 alone. Dead Men Walk was the last film for Mary Carlisle, following yet another damsel-in-distress role she quite the silver screen forever.

Educational Content

1. No one will investigate the death of someone who falls off a cliff.
2. Always have lackey on hand who will dig up your corpse if you die.
3. The evil twin always dresses in black.
4. Books about vampires don’t burn.
5. A blood transfusion with cure all ills.

Justification for Rating

Dead Men Walk, tells only a small lie in the title, since only a Dead Man Walks. But all is forgiven for this neat little film that is bookend by funerals with plenty of drama in-between.

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Horror

Review of Creature from the Haunted Sea

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Creature from the Haunted SeaRating: ★★½☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

A crook decides to bump off members of his inept crew and blame their deaths on a legendary sea creature. What he doesn’t know is that the creature is real

Reason to Watch

I would like to mention that the film quality was horrible throughout most of this film, as was the sound. It made it really hard to get good screenshots of the characters in most instances, yet the most cheesiest moster made up for it all!

Context

Made in the early sixties it took place after the revolution in Cuba at sea mainly.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

Mary Belle: “You know sump’n? We oughta get married.”
Renzo: “Now don’t be a drag baby.”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

The only way youll make it through this B film is a couple shots of morphine and a cuban cigar!

Trivia

http://www.amazon.com/Creature-Haunted-Sea-Black-White/dp/B001BSBBMG (you can also watch it in color!!)

Educational Content

If you encounter any sea monsters while on a boating trip you have a very good chance of smelling like a big turd afterwards.

Justification for Rating

Though I give the monster a 10 in the laugh factor. The blurrness and horrible sound brang it down to a 2.5

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