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5 Movies Better Left as Video Games

Steve — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 14:45:32 +0000

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, while maybe not so awful it would make you want rip out your eyes with wasabi-tipped chopsticks, it is most certainly way overhyped. Even A-list celebrities (Alec Baldwin, Ving Rhames, and Steve Buscemi) and state of the art CGI aren’t enough to make this movie watchable more than once. A bland story line that’s not up to par with any of the games makes me wish that I hadn’t doled out my eight bucks to see this in the theater.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnE64DbnUzY

Street Fighter: The Movie

This movie is so bad that I truly believe that it killed my beloved Raul Julia. If you have ever played the Street Fighter series, you already know the plot. A couple of gay guys in their blue and red karate outfits “hadouken” their way in and out of trouble with one-eyed warlords and eccentric generals obsessed with the love of world damnation (domination?) and super-science. Somehow a star at the time, the very Belgian and also probably very gay Jean-Claude Van Damme plays the Super American “Colonel Guile”. Much like the game, when this is on I have to watch but then soon realize why I hate it – it just goes on and on with no point, fighting the same fight, and doing the same damn cheat moves. DAMN YOU RYU!!!!!!

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=avXsM2n2oqg

Double Dragon

Ah, 1994. A great time! Clinton was in the White House, Phil Hartman was still alive, and Kurt Cobain’s head was splattered all over his garage. What wasn’t great was the live-action movie of one of the greatest NES games of all time. The Double Dragon movie is so bad that anytime I even hear about it, I force carnal thoughts of Cloris Leachman upon myself just to get the thought of it out of my mind. The only thing that saves this from being the worst video game movie ever is Alyssa Milano and the creepy burn victim Bo Abobo saying, “Wut Up Chikin Butt?”.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qa8eF3VLDsE

Super Mario Brothers

Here’s an idea: take the most iconic video game franchise ever and see what happens if we let the guys who brought us Max Headroom make a movie out of it and see what happens. I’ll tell you what will happen: it will suck, and not just in that “Hey, did you just see that Adam Sandler movie?” way. I mean really suck, like you’re stuck in line for the bathroom at an all-you-can-eat taco bar and the guy in front of you is Louie Anderson. Nothing in this movie made any sense. Dennis Hopper was freaking King Koopa. The studio would have done better if they went to a costume store, bought a Godzilla outfit, and paid a bum with Olde English 800 and McRib sandwiches to run around saying “Rawww”. I would rather go to an autoerotic asphyxiation party with Patty Hurst and the guys from INXS than have to watch this again.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cd-h8q-C58k

Mortal Kombat 2: Annihilation

This is it! Not only the worst video game movie I have ever seen, it’s in the running for worst movie ever made. Mortal Kombat 2 is so bad that it is said it was used as a torture device at Guantanamo Bay until it was deemed too cruel for human viewing. While I have no proof of this, I think the director stole 80% of the budget and ran to Mexico for a huge Coke party and left his duties to a 9-year-old Filipino Down’s syndrome kid on twenty hits of acid. While in theory this may sound like a way to get a box office smash, in practice, it’s not so good. May death come swiftly to those who watch this.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HbNLiR1trY

Review of Izo

Steve — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 22:48:37 +0000

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Review

Izo is a demonic schizophrenic misogynist ronin killing machine with the ability to time travel. Izo is bent on reaching his goal of achieving “divine retribution,” no matter how many people he has to kill in horrible, horrible ways. The blood does not stop in this movie, be it from decapitation or sex. No one is immune from Izo’s wrath – just ask his mother or the garbage men.

Reason to Watch

If you have ever wondered what it would be like to kill everyone (and by everyone I mean everyone)… samurai, vampires, yakuza, your mother, teachers, middle-class businessmen, children, old people, young people, large black men, small asian men, midgets, moms, dads, Satan, and Jesus. Just when massive genocide on humanity is starting to get old, Izo shows us his caring side when he bangs out “Mother Nature” then goes back to killing.

Context

Most memorable quote(s)

“Rawwwlllll, Ahhh!”
“Yes, it hurts!”

What you need to get through this movie

Izo is a pretty gory flick so you may need something to get the thought of all the decapitations off your mind, I would suggest a constant loop of “Louie, Louie”, supplemented with two cups of Canadian orphan tears

Trivia

Sitges -- Catalonian International Film Festival -- Best Special effects
Sitges -- Catalonian International Film Festival -- Best Film (Nominated)

Educational Content

A vagina is not a good place to sheath a sword
Your soulmate will eat your lice
Rocks + head = death
If you’re going to be near a crazy killer demon, bring a guitar.
In Japan, garbage trucks make way for duels.
Zombies will let you pass, if you ask nicely
Dog and cats like smelly vagina
Don’t ever fuck with Izo, Ever!

Justification for Rating

As far as avant-garde, bloodbath, time-swapping samurai movies go, I would have to guess that Izo is up there, but with the confusing storyline and massive plot holes, it gets dropped way down. If you are looking for some serious blood-letting without much thought and the typical slasher flick isn’t doing it for you, Izo just might work. It definitely does not hold back on the shock value or violence.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBq_mZQJ9pI

Review Mortal Kombat

Steve — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 04:49:12 +0000

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Review

A homosexual sorceress with perfect hair and an affinity for buff young men puts on a masturbatory homage to street fighting, with a tropic twist. The greatest fighters in world not named Chuck Norris or Gary Coleman set forth to do battle to the death in order to save the earth. Mortal Kombat will take you to places you were pretty sure they would go, but with the help of the hottest 10,000 year old chick you will ever see they just might be able to pull off the greatest up set known to man.

Reason to Watch

Have you ever watch a softcore porn and said, “Hell, I wish they would just stop having sex and break out into a totally unrealistic fight scene?” If so, Mortal Kombat will give you the pleasure of those “late night movie channels” without the sticky clean up.

Context

1995 was a transitional time for video game graphics, where, in only a few years, Mortal Kombat video games would look and sound way better than the movie. Thank you PlayStation!

Most memorable quote(s)

“Those were $500 sunglasses, asshole!”
“I am going to shoot myself for being in your movie!”
“Finish Him!”

What you need to get through this movie

Freebasing peppermint patties is suggested for getting all the way through this movie. Not only will it enhance your experience, it will leave you with minty fresh breath!

Trivia

Sonya Blade (Bridgette Leann Wilson) is married to tennis pro Pete Sampras.
Won BMI Film Music Award

Educational Content

Modesty shorts are no substitute for a strong athletic cup.
Sibling squabbles don’t seem that important after your soul has been digested.
Never, ever ask an Asian to park your car or put up your luggage.
No matter what world you live in, the lovable black guy always dies

Justification for Rating

The mid 90’s brought us some of the worst video game movies the world has ever seen. If Double Dragon wasn’t bad enough film makers also came out with Street Fighter. This was so bad that it give Raul Juila cancer and luckly killed him before it destroyed his career. By using these two used tampons of motion picture as competition, Mortal Kombat is a watchable flick (by “watchable” I mean more like that time you drank a pint of Natural Citrus Listerine® at the Sadie Hawkins Dance and let that ugly chick give you a hand job.) It’s ok, just don’t let ever one know that. Mortal Kombat has everything a nostalgic twenty-somthing could ask for on a boring night.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTwvPSYUaFs

5 Movies Better Left as Video Games