September 11th, 2010 at the Tampa Pitcher Show Cult Flicks Latest Movie Troll 2 “Best Worst Movie”

www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyophYBP_w4

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3. Forbidden Zone Showing at The Tampa Pitcher Show! FREE!

Cult Flicks and The Tampa Pitcher Show have teamed up to show the Cult Classic, “Toxic Avenger 2.”  Come show your support for Super Heroes from New Jersey, gratuitous violence, and wind surfing to Japan!

When, Where, How Much?

Saturday, April 10 from 11:30 pm to 2:00 am
The Tampa Pitcher Show
Ticket are $5 each
Directions

What Movie?

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Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Review

Ah, clowns. For all of the joy and laughter they attempt to bring to children and adults alike, one just cannot help but be creeped out by them. Perhaps it’s the incessant, unwavering smile; it makes it impossible to gauge their emotions, so we see them as sociopathic machines. Maybe it’s the ingrained fear that they are all John Wayne Gacy under the white face and red nose. Regardless of the reason, clowns are fucking scary, and Director Marcus Koch takes advantage of this fact in his 2007 film, 100 Tears.
Gurdy is the king badass of your killer clown genre. Using a cartoon-sized meat cleaver, he out-butchers Pennywise, the Killer Klowns from Outer Space, and Pogo the Clown combined, and within the first quarter of the movie. Killing with indifference, Gurdy mercilessly disembowels girls, slaughters invalids, and tortures teens for the length of the movie. And it never gets old.
Sure, there’s more story to the story (something about tabloid reporters and midgets), but 100 Tears’ true brilliance shines through in the relentless blood-letting and the quite believable and disgusting special effects and makeup. No CGI here, kids; this movie is filled with good, old-fashioned latex-head decapitations and fake-blood bonanzas.

Reason to Watch

For Tampans, 100 Tears is a must-watch as it is filmed locally in Tampa and Gibsonton. For everyone else, watch it for the multiple disembowlings. Does one need more than that?

Context

This film is Koch’s first since his 1997 low-budget punk-gore film, Rot. If someone wants to see what a difference digital recording is making for low-budget filmmakers, watch the two of these movies back-to-back.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

“I wanna kill, Daddy.”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

Cotton Candy Drink: 1 oz butterscotch schnapps, Mountain Dew Citrus Soda & ice cubes Add Butterscotch Schnapps and Mountain Dew to ice cubes in a Collins glass. Stir and serve. Or Cotton Candy: 2 oz Malibu Coconut Rum 1 oz peach schnapps pink lemonade Pour the Malibu rum and peach schnapps into a cocktail glass. Fill with pink lemonade, or add to taste, and serve.

Trivia

Director Marcus Koch was awesome enough to do an interview for CultFlicks! (Coming Soon… )

Educational Content

1. No matter how many people you kill in a movie, it just does not get old if there is enough blood and fake entrails.
2. Girls who cut themselves do it because of daddy issues
3. Do not go down on a random girl in an alley. Ever.
4. Gore movies with hot actresses do not always show tits.

Justification for Rating

Three stars for the gore, one for the clown, and one for the midget. Then I had to subtract a star for the lack of nudity in this NC-17 film.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBmnE2jyKk8

Related posts:

1. Review of Blood Feast
2. Review of Izo

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Review

Believe it or not kids, there was once a day when porn was not a mouse click away. Back in those days, we had to find other ways to see boobs, and horror films provided that opportunity. I remember the joys seeing “The Hunger” for the first time, that sexy section of video took some wear and tear I can tell you. So why this relevant? “Werewolf Woman” is basically a softcore porn film masquerading as a horror. The film starts off with a naked woman dancing around a fire before she turns into a werewolf and kills some people.

Flash forward to the “modern” day where distant relative Daniella Neseri (Annik Borel), having been recently raped, now makes an emotional connection to her family’s past before going on a killing spree which includes a lot of the biting out of men’s’ throats. She does not actually turn into a were-wolf; she just acts like one. She is, however, cured when she falls in love with a stuntman. They run along sandy beaches and they laugh and blah blah blah as he jumps through windows and crashes burning motorcycles. Fortunately, before it turns into the prequel to The Notebook, she is raped by three men and her boyfriend is killed. This sets her off again and she ends up in an asylum – typical. This is campy 70’s horror with bright red blood and loads of pointless nudity. Best of all, it’s based on a true story, but any similarities between anyone living or dead is apparently purely coincidental.

Reason to Watch

Porn is pretty easy to get hold of these days, so the number one reason to see this film is out. So my vote goes for the story. Seeing grown women running around, naked, biting out people’s throats is just plain super.

Context

This is a typical 70′s exploitation-horror film staple of Rino Di Silvestro, whose other films included “The Erotic Dreams of Cleopatra”, “Sex Slayer,” and “Love and Death in a Women’s Prison.” The nudity goes beyond what would have been seen in English language horror films and was even dubbed a “video nasty” and banned in the UK.

Most memorable quote(s)

“I saw you making love with Fabin. It was obscene, disgusting, but you liked it.” “Daniella, did you see that fall? Wasn’t it gay!”

What you need to get through this movie

I suggest watching this movie like a teenager from the 80′s. That means a box of tissues and the video remote control so you can fast forward the boring medical stuff.

Trivia

Annik Borel (also in “Blood Orgy of the She Devils”) made two more movies before she quit acting never to be seen again. The film was marketed under several titles including “Daughter of a Werewolf,” “Naked Werewolf Woman,” “Terror of the She Wolf,” and bizarrely in America, “The Wolf Man.” It was also selected by Quentin Tarantino for the First Annual Quentin Tarantino Film Fest in Austin, Texas in 1996. Tarantino had actually never seen the picture before he screened it. He loved it so much that all subsequent Film Fests had a surprise movie added to the end of each all-nighter known as the “Wolf Woman” selection; defined as an outrageous exploitation film sure to wake up the audience. “Wolf Women” selections over the years have included “The Blood Spattered Bride” and “Mighty Peking Man.”

Educational Content

1. Trained stuntmen can fall off buildings, fly through windows, but can’t take a chair to the back.
2. You are going to be at least as crazy your ancestors.
3. Avoid nude women in the woods.
4. Don’t make a she-wolf give you a blowjob.
5. She-wolves have really hairy boobs.
6. Stunt men can’t resist jumping through windows to impress the ladies.

Justification for Rating

This film was a lot of fun, although I could have done with less nudity and more wolf, but I guess the costume and make-up department blew their load on the opening sequence. It’s a great tale of revenge, the wicked are punished and the only victim is everyone else.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFM06dzGxCM

Related posts:

1. Review of Bad Girls Go to Hell

Rocky Horror Picture Show

One of the greatest bad movies of bad movies, the cult film of cult films, Rocky has lived on in the hearts and minds of the alienated, marginalized, and gay youth of each generation since its 1975 debut. The Picture Show has become a right of passage for those who will one day become fans of the cult movie, the bizarre musical, and eventually, possibly, even sex. Of all cult movies, no other has a following quite like the sexually confused, camp-horror followers of the late night, double feature picture show. There is nothing quite like seeing a 200-lb Janet, complete with white underwear, dancing and singing in front of two-hundred overly-Zima’d virgins – if you have never been to a modern screening of Rocky, go. Go now. Take a camera – and a change of underwear – it will be the scariest Halloween experience you’ve ever had.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdu7xoHU9DA

Beetlejuice

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! What, no ghost with the most? I guess cirrhosis will kill even the hardiest of cult movies. Tim Burton’s ability to turn almost anything he touches into something not only instantly cultish, but also beautiful, is a testament to his sick fascination with bad science fiction films and terrible horror movies. Beetlejuice is enduring, which I think is partly due to the use of Belafonte island dance numbers in a comedy movie made “in-the-style-of” a horror film, and partly because even the bad guy seems like someone you would want to share a bottle of bourbon with. Not only is Beetlejuice great to have on as background noise at your Halloween party, but it is also something with which you can kick-start your kid’s education in cult movies.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUqtC1oiztw

Halloween

For God’s sake, it’s called Halloween, a no-brainer for a Halloween list maker. Anyway, Halloween is not just a convenient title for selling theatre seats in October, but it was also the film that created the teen babysitter slasher cliché. Now clichés are spawned from actual memorable moments, and John Carpenter’s low budget masterpiece has become a part of Americana. Jamie Lee Curtis being terrorized by Nick Castle (the same guy who directed Dennis the Menace and Major Payne – VERY scary) in an expressionless white mask created a template for future slasher films. If you’ve ever wondered where the camera angles and female stereotypes of Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street came from, look no further – but be aware, the opening credits are terrible.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GavVnUPpOjo

Night of the Living Dead

This 1968 George A. Romero über-classic cult film makes lethargic, brain hungry, stiff, undead, Reagan-loving nursing home rejects the scariest predators a small town in broke-ass PA has ever seen. I, personally, love zombie movies, and what better than one of the originals? But there is something that always bothers me about the whole zombie genre: they just don’t seem that tough. You would think that even decrepit old Stephen Hawking and pansy Andy Dick could fight at lest 60 or 70 of them, let alone a home full of adults including a black man (and we’re not talking black man like Sammy Davis, Jr; I mean like lock up your white women because you know if they go black they really aren’t going back, black man).

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mkKfUNiXRI

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Before Johnny Depp was swashbuckling his way into another awful Jerry Bruckheimer movie, he was dodging his way from child killer and winner of the 1984 Captain Grody Face Award. Freddy Kruger, one part wolverine, one part Edward Scissorhands (no Johnny Depp pun intended), and much like Helen Keller, is a hero to all psychotic serial killing burn victims. I think the premise of this movie should be well known to all of us so I will give you a little tip on how to make this movie really scary. I like to pop a hand full of melatonin and wash it down with a nice glass of warm milk and pray to God that I don’t crap myself.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4JwoAg0jnA

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Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Review

If you’ve ever wondered, “I wonder what  Francis Ford Coppola was doing before The Godfather, one of the greatest films in history of people making films ever?”, then look no further than Dementia 13. Yes, folks, from low budget b-film to “Greatest Filmmaker Ever” in under a decade. You, too, can start out making “Adult Features”, work your way into “Cult Horror”, and then go on to define a genre. But most likely not. D-13 is not a terrible movie; it’s got that “a director was here” feel to it, with some nifty camera angles and a couple of cool shots, but for every glimpse of a promising director, you have two moments of a drunken screenwriter. I was either too intoxicated or not intoxicated enough to understand what was going on. For the first quarter of the movie I was convinced it was about a woman trying to cover up the accidental death of her husband so she could get some money, somehow… but then she is killed off by a random bad guy and we’re in a psycho killer plot line, which later changes to a family revenge story. I actually have to recommend this because it is so badly written that you have to see it to believe it, especially considering the man who wrote it went on to the Godfather series and Apocalypse Now.

Reason to Watch

The same writer and director as The Godfather, sixties-sexy underwear, a cool trick ending, and the most confusing plot ever. There is also a scene in which a poacher wanders down a stream looking for rabbits, and is then axe-chopped to death… I’m pretty sure it’s the longest, most boring scene in history -- hysterical.

Context

This is not your typical Roger Corman Edgar Alan Poe film, nor is it another American International teen slasher, and that’s all Coppola. He was only 24 when D-13 was released. I’m way older than that and will never make anything half as good as his first, crappy try.

Most memorable quote(s)

“You can tell she’s been raised on promises.”

What you need to get through this movie

If you are not a pot smoker I would recommend becoming one to get through this film. Or, if you are a pot smoker and who wants to show someone how confusing being high is, make them watch Dementia 13.

Trivia

The film did not live up to American Internationals’ ARKOFF formula (Action, Revolution, Killing, Oratory, Fantasy, and Fornication). In fact, Roger Corman, the producer, stormed out of the film’s first screening because it didn’t have enough axe-murdering. The whole poacher scene was added later (shot by a different director) just to add more Killing. Clearly, one of many poor decisions.

Educational Content

1. Your husband has to be alive in order for you to gain an inheritance.
2. “He’s on business” is a good enough excuse for months of absence.
3. You can perfectly time how long a rope will degrade under water.
4. Doctors are like private investigators, only much more prepared to abuse and torture those they interrogate.
5. Axe murderers seem perfectly normal during the day, being able to converse intelligently and politely, but at night, while murdering, they are babbling insane monsters who make little to no sense.

Justification for Rating

D-13 is not unwatchable… I have to give it 2 and a half stars, one for the directing, one for the trick ending and half for the script.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUe_HqotyH8

Related posts:

1. Review of Izo
2. Review of Bad Girls Go to Hell
3. Review of 100 Tears

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Review

Kazumi (Jon Moritsugu) and his girlfriend, Eightball, are just trying to make it by until the next score while his mom chats up the pizza boy, dad prepares for armageddon, brother Marvin discovers his sexuality, and sister Holly makes plans for a getaway. Bizarre, bloody, and gut-bustingly hilarious, Terminal USA is the best cult film ever made that you may never see. With zero distribution and cult video stores falling off the face of the planet, this gem will most likely slip further into cult obscurity (which is way worse than regular obscurity).

Reason to Watch

If for no other reason, Terminal USA is worth an hour out of your life for Marvin’s bizarre sexual awakening and fetish fulfillment at the hands of a group of violent skinheads.

Context

In 1993, real independent film was not yet considered a viable commodity (Pulp Fiction had not yet been released), so films like this were made on the cheap and then used to prop up wobbly desks. If Terminal USA had waited a year or so, it could easily have been one of the best cult movies ever.

Most memorable quote(s)

• “I am the pervert in the back bedroom!”
• “It’s a load of crap straight out the donkey’s ass!”
• “Confucius say, ‘Hospitals are for pussies.’”
• “You really sizzled my wiener, last night, girlie.”

What you need to get through this movie

With its ability to fit a ton of awesome into less than an hour, shove an “eightball” of lello up the nose to enjoy this film at maximum cool.

Trivia

Jon Moritsugu convinced PBS to finance a documentary about Japanese-Americans and instead made this fictional piece. It did, however, air on PBS between 1994-95.

Educational Content

1. Japanese-Americans can be just as fucked up as any Caucasian one.
2. Rocking horses provide the for the best masturbatory tools.
3. Skinheads will get you and your entire family if you fuck with them.
4. The Asian sex-slave trade is alive and well.
5. Americans can’t tell the difference between Chinks and Japs.
6. That hot phone-sex operator you call is really just a dude in drag. Why he dresses up to talk on the phone, we’ll never know.

Justification for Rating

Terminal USA is nearly perfect in every way. That’s all.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rTHvMfDVBE

Related posts:

1. Review of Izo

Debbie Rochon: I think I can answer anything.

Egbert Souse: How did you get started in the film business?

DR: When I was eleven or twelve years old, I was living in Vancouver, Canada, which is north from here… that’s terrible, sorry. I was homeless at the time, and Paramount Pictures was doing this movie called Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains starring Laura Dern, Diane Lane, some of the Sex Pistols and the Clash. This was like 1981. Directed by Lou Adler. So I went in as an extra, and they said are you willing to die your hair like platinum blonde and black on the sides and do like a skunk thing and I said, you know, absolutely. It was $300 cash a week. And I was there for three months and I got started then. I really got the bug then.

Duncan Idaho: When you were twelve?

DR: Yeah. And I’m only fifteen, now.

GRM: What are you working on here? What are you doing in Tampa?

DR: I just finished the MegaCon, which is a great convention in Orlando. This particular movie is called Meat Market and it’s by Joe Casey, of course. He’s directing. He wrote it. He’s shooting it. It’s about the slave trade, really. Just like in the script, you may not know it, but 4 million people a year still get traded in the sex trade slave business. And I could probably get you somebody at a very good price.

It’s based on that. It’s part of an anthology of shorts. He’s doing two of them. And two other filmmakers are also doing shorts, and he’s putting them together as an anthology and them putting them out on DVD. [I have since spoken to Joe Casey, and there are three other producers... ed.]

CK: He’s doing that with Brinke Stevens? She has something to do with it, as well?

DR: Yes. She was in another short and she also hosts it.

CK: Out of the many movies you’ve been in, what’s your personal favorite?

DR: My favorite movie is probably Nowhere Man directed by Tim McCann. It’s a really crazy movie, sort of inspired by DOA. Film noir. DOA, of course, is where the guy has twenty-four hours to counteract the poison he’s been given. In this case, the short description is we’re a very happy couple, me and my boyfriend. We’re engaged to be married. He finds a tape of a porno movie I did five years earlier and I didn’t tell him about it. So he gets very upset and very abusive. He starts abusing me physically and emotionally. And then he comes home one night and he rapes me. And I snap, finally, after all of this abuse and while he’s passed out drunk I snip his penis off…

GRM: Nice.

DR: …and I go on the run with it. So in comes the DOA influence. He has twenty-four hours to get his penis back or it will decompose. I’m not going to tell you if he gets it back or not. I don’t want to ruin it or anything. It’s really tense, like pitch- black dark comedy. It’s not light; it’s not played for laughs. It’s played very very seriously. There’s a scene in it that most men can’t watch. It’s not even the one you’re thinking. He has to urinate through a catheter. It’s just… it’s a pretty amazing movie. It played at the Sarasota film festival down here and now it’s out on DVD. It played theatrically as well.

GRM: Do you know how many movies you’ve been in?

DR: 140, approximately.

GRM: 140? Wow. Can you link yourself to Kevin Bacon?

DR: Yes.

GRM: In how many?

DR: Honest to God, it’s one, and I can’t remember.

CK: We can do it.

DR: Okay. I’ll bet you it’s one person. I’ll bet you it’s someone like Diane Lane, or something.

CK: It’s actually not Diane Lane.

GRM: Tim House.

DR: Who?

GRM: Tim House, in Underdogs. He was in In the Cut with Kevin Bacon.

DR: There ya go. I knew it was one.

CK: You said the number of movies is 140? IMDb has you at 113.

GRM: Well, IMDb’s outdated.

DR: Yeah. Not everything is listed. There are some things that are upcoming. IMDb is good, but it’s not always thorough.

CK: That changes our question, then. We had you as being the exact number of movies that Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Tom Cruise, and Katie Holmes have starred in. You starred in more movies than all of them combined.

DR: That’s right. That’s right. So, where’s my mansion?

CK: Yeah! Why aren’t you on the cover of Teen People?

DR: It’s a really good question. I made the choice to do indie films and I’ve had a lot of fun, I’ve had much better roles than a lot of the women that are working in Hollywood get. Because I get to do the sort of crazy nutty characters, like in American Nightmare I play a psycho serial killer. Very seriously. Not for laughs. I get to play really good roles and that’s why I’ve always been drawn to it. At this point in the game, now, I would love to absolutely do that. And I did, actually, a role on a new series called Conviction. I worked on it for a couple of days. I’m not sure which particular episode, but it’s in season one. It’ll be on, I think, fall.

CK: Is right now the point in your career where you want to be Hollywood mainstream?

DR: Yeah. I’m making the transition. I don’t think I’ll get into Hollywood mainstream, but I think I can do character work on TV at this point. I love horror and that’s my passion, but at the same time there comes a point where you do need money. It always has been about art for me, as silly as it sounds, because some of the movies… you wouldn’t exactly call them art.

About three years ago, on a film shoot in Tennessee I had my fingers cut off. There was an accident. Someone switched up a prop for a real machete knife and didn’t tell me.

GRM: Ugh!

DR: Another cringing moment for the guys. But when I was on the scene, I took the knife and plunged it down very hard into a fake dead body and there was no edge between the handle and the blade and my hand went like, you know, butter and a knife, hot knife, whatever the expression is. I couldn’t work for two years, I lost my home, I lost all my savings, a half a million dollars in surgery. It changed my whole world. It’s been a long process coming back. That was three years ago. So now, I love doing indie projects, still, but I have an agent, now, which I never used to. I get so much work offers that I really didn’t need one, but now I want different work offers, so now I go after other things.

CK: Who would you really like to work with?

DR: Oh, boy. The people I’d really like to work with are great horror directors.

CK: There aren’t many of those left, it seems to me.

DR: A friend of mine, James Gunn, whose new movie Slither is coming out. I’d love to do another one with him. I was in Tromeo and Juliet, which he directed in 1995 and he’s gone on to do the Scooby-Doo movies and the remake of Dawn of the Dead. I’d love to work with him. And Cronenberg, who is my idol. He’s just so amazing. Of course, some of the greats are dead, so it’s too late, like, you know, Kubrik and stuff like that. You know what? Anybody who’s just really amazing. I’d like to work with Tim McCann again because he’s got some good stories.

CK: You mentioned Cronenberg. If you think about him, I mean, he almost got his start doing, practically, what would be considered “B” movies, what with Videodrome and… the other thing…

GRM: That thing terrifies me.

DR: Rabid. With Marilyn Chambers.

CK: …and now, he’s huge.

DR: He’s huge. He’s real huge. And when I was in Cannes last year, I saw him speak and was say that there certainly was a point were he could basically do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted, meaning any actor. Cast approval. He had approval over everything. And now he wants to work in a bigger level because he needs to make money. He’s very open about that. So he says, y’know, ‘I get a cast and I have my wish list and at the end of the day, the studio has to okay everybody.’ He may get final cut, still, because he is great and they know he’s great, but they still have to have cast approval. So even someone like Cronenberg, with his amazing, y’know… What’s the word?

GRM: Talent?

DR: Talent and…

GRM: Pull?

DR: …and proof of his work, track record, thank you. He has to succumb to some of the Hollywood stuff, which is amazing. But he’s just… He’s great because he takes horror and he takes real life situations like marriages gone bad and he sort of makes them into these… He makes people into monsters but he physicalizes what’s really happening emotionally and certainly The Brood is another great family film that he made. I love him, yeah.

GRM: You were in a movie called Who Wants to Be an Erotic Billionaire?…

DR: Erotic Billionaire. Yeah!

GRM: …What would you do if you were an Erotic Billionaire?

DR: What would I do if I was an Erotic Billionaire? [Laughs] I would… boy, what a great question… I would probably buy an erotic car…

GRM: Okay…

DR: …an erotic mansion…

GRM: Big erotic car.

DR: Big erotic car. I guess everything would be phallic or vaginal shaped. I think I would have to spend the money in the right way.

GRM: Would you make a lot of donations to charity like the Bill and Martha Gates Charity Foundation… with an erotic twist?

DR: Yeah. I would donate to people who do research on sexually transmitted diseases and stuff like that, maybe. I would be a good donator, I think.

CK: Well…

DR: You know what I would do, actually? I would go to Vincent Gallo’s website where he is selling his sperm for a million dollars and I would buy that sperm. I wouldn’t necessarily use it…

GRM: Put it on the wall…

CK: Mix it with some paint…

DR: Yeah, just to say that I had it. And he really is selling it. For a million dollars.

CK: I don’t think it’s worth it…

GRM: It’s just sperm.

DR: He even has a description of what type of people he will sell it to, which is very weird.

GRM: Wow.

CK: Do you fit the description? Would he sell it to you?

DR: He may. I fit at least three-quarters of it. I think he just has final approval.

GRM: Okay. Is there a waitlist?

DR: No, I don’t… I’m not sure that he’s sold any, yet. You can either have it… what’s it called? Not intravenous but…

GRM: In vitro?

DR: In vitro. Or the natural way, but that costs a little more.

GRM: Fair enough. It is a little more work.

DR: Exactly.

GRM: Do you believe that Scrotal Vengeance is a dish best served cold?

DR: [laughs] I believe it’s one hell of a comedy! It’s one of the best titles and I don’t think anybody has not asked me about Scrotal Vengeance. And there are actually three Scrotal Vengeances…

GRM: Really?

DR: Yes, three of them…

CK: I figured there’d be two…

DR: I’m only in one, though. Scrotal Vengeance, which is by Chris Seaver… he’s the funniest filmmaker. He’s about 25 years old and he’s the new Troma, basically. He’s up in Rochester and he makes these crazy Troma-esque movies. He did a movie called Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape.

CK: I was wondering about that, actually.

DR: It’s parodying the Kill Bill movies. Completely.

GRM: You come out of a coma…

DR: Yes! I come out of a coma but I’m…

GRM: …and go fight Teen Ape…

DR: Yes! But the thing is, in his movie, I went into a sugar coma because I was sort of like a geek…

GRM: …and he stole your [Halloween] candy?

DR: …and, yes. Exactly. But I come out and I’m actually… I am good looking instead of a geek. But I must avenge the people who stole my Halloween candy. So that’s the slight difference between the two movies. Otherwise, shot for shot, they’re the same.

CK: The new Quentin Tarrantino, obviously.

GRM: Yeah.

CK: Let’s hope he makes more movies than Tarantino, though… Where are we at here? If you were the president, I guess of the United States, right?

GRM: Sure. Might as well be.

CK: Or of the MPAA…

DR: Of the world?

CK: Or of the world, yeah. What would be the first thing you would do to make the world… not even necessarily a better place… you can make it a worse place if you want to. You can do whatever you want.

DR: Okay. This is very very political and boring…

CK: Make it fun.

DR: I would absolutely, immediately develop a replacement for gas because within a hundred years we’re not going to have any polar bears left. The ice is melting up there and the female polar bears have to… Literally, they have five months less of food that they actually get to eat and feed their babies with. They’re underweight by a hundred pounds and ir babies are underweight by I don’t know how many pounds. Within, literally, a hundred years, they will no longer exist.

GRM: So, you’re a fan of polar bears.

DR: I’m a fan of polar bears. I’m a fan of ice. I’m not a fan of pretending that this greenhouse effect is just a hippie thought. It’s very real and I think we’re extremely selfish people and we should do something about it.

CK: Have you seen all those Chevy ads talking about how they have thirty million green fuel vehicles? Do you believe that?

DR: Do I believe it? I don’t know. But I do know one person in L.A. that bought a non-gas vehicle. They were on the waiting list. But you have no choice of the color, for some reason.

GRM: What?!

DR: Like, it just shows up. It could be blue, red, yellow… Why is that? You know what I mean? Isn’t that strange? There’s, like, no choice of the color.

GRM: That is really strange.

DR: It’s odd.

GRM: It’s going to keep me up at night.

CK: And the polar bears.

GRM: What do you think of the Dubai Port situation, then?

DR: The what?

GRM: Dubai Port situation?

DR: Ooh. Tell me about that.

GRM: United Arab Emirates…

DR: Oh, yes! The ports! I see what you’re saying.

GRM: Good idea or bad idea?

DR: Oh, man. It seems like racial profiling to me. Doesn’t it? Can’t there be normal Arabian-type people? Can’t there be? I think it’s just like the McCarthy era. Like when Hollywood went through the communist… the whole thing they went through. I think it’s just this fear-driven ridiculous behavior on the part of politicians. Y’know, I spoke to a lot of doctors (I just want to segue into a very important subject matter, here), but I’ve spoken to a lot of doctors… A filmmaker that I know, his father is a researcher of infectious diseases. I asked him seriously. I said, ‘Do you really think that this bird virus, this bird-flu virus… How real is that?’ and he says, ‘It’s really not.’ And he says, ‘They’re just wanting to sell Tamiflu.’

CK: Does he think so?

GRM: Really?

DR: Yeah. He really does. It’s not the first time that I’ve heard that. I think our society is so fear-driven…

GRM: It’s a good marketing plan, though.

DR: It is. But it really is. And every commercial on TV is fear-driven. ‘Do you want to do this? Do you want more of this? Less of that?’ I mean, it’s always, sort of, playing into your fears. And then, that’s what I do, too, right? I make horror movies and I play into your fears.

GRM: That’s true.

DR: So, I’m a hypocrite.

[Laughter]

DR: You didn’t know that about me. I didn’t know that about me.

GRM: Last night, we saw… What is it? Corpses are…

DR: Corpses are Forever. By a filmmaker that’s in Miami. It’s his first film. [It was] shot in 35[mm]. I thought it was really beautiful. He had two 35mm cameras, a great cinematographer… His sound was just terrible.

GRM: Yeah.

DR: He got screwed in the sound.

GRM: But it did look good.

DR: It did look good.

CK: You are saying the same exact thing we said, last night, actually.

DR: Yeah. And he knows it. He knows it. He has such an interesting story. His parents came from Cuba and he now lives with his grandparents down in Miami and they both died and they left him approximately, a little bit less than, say, a quarter of a million dollars, and he made this movie with all of that money.

CK: That’s brave.

DR: This was his thing, and the sound guy completely screwed him. He spent all of his money, and being his first film, he didn’t leave enough money for the post, so, even though he cut it, he wasn’t able to fix the sound. It’s such a sad story because I think it could have been more enjoyable. I mean, there are other problems with the movie, but I think if the sound was really slick, it would’ve…

GRM: Been a lot better.

DR: Yeah, been a lot better.

GRM: You’ve written. You’ve produced. Do you have any aspirations to direct?

DR: Not right now. I think I would only want to direct if I had a project that I couldn’t not direct. Like, if I had an idea that was just burning in my brain and I had to do it, because I know how hard it is and I know to do it well is very hard. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to do it, but just I really do enjoy producing at Fangoria Entertainment. I have my own show, there, but I love producing, love writing, acted forever. Love it. But I don’t have that pull. Not right now. Tomorrow, I could wake up and have it, but I don’t. I don’t. Too many problems.

GRM: Yeah.

DR: I don’t want to be stressed out like that. Then you have to worry about everything.

GRM: Before today, had you ever heard of LushForLife?

DR: Y’know, I did. I’d heard of it in New York. People talk about it in the street, in Starbuck’s. It’s amazing. People reference it on the news.

GRM: So, you would say it’s the best website ever, probably…

DR: Ever! Ever! It’s better than mine, better than MySpace; it’s better than Google. It’s better than anything. It’s my favorite.

GRM: We should go public.

DR: You should go public.

CK: Do we have time [to go public] today?

DR: I thought you were out in the public. You should go public, and after all of this, I am actually going to go to the website, now.

GRM: Great! That’s a good idea. We also make up a lot of stories. Can we make up a story about you?

DR: Yes.

GRM: We could make one up, if you don’t mind.

DR: Me? I should do it?

GRM: No. We’ll just write one about you, randomly.

DR: Sure. Absolutely. Write it. Um, I don’t know what. Write what you want.

GRM: You could write a story. Just a random, fake story. You’re welcome to submit one.

DR: Yeah. Jeez, there’s just so many things, what couldn’t you say?

CK: You could write a story about… what’s the name of the drug you were talking about for bird flu?

GRM: Tamiflu.

CK: Yeah. She said that, first thing I thought was, yeah, there’s a story right there.

DR: Yeah. That I’m for it or against it?

GRM: Doesn’t matter.

DR: So, it’s a scam. By the way, it’s true, but, yes, say that I personally endorse the fact that this is a scam to sell Tamiflu, just like it was a scam after 9/11 to sell New Yorkers duct tape and tell them that that was going to make them safe. Isn’t that great? That was really smart.

CK: I think, y’know, one or two people bought it.

DR: It’s brilliance on part of the government, y’know? They spend so much money on these things and yet we have Tamiflu and polar bears and…

GRM: You could take duct tape, Tamiflu, and polar bears and tie them up into one story.

DR: Yes, I could.

GRM: That would be good.

DR: Literally tie them up.

GRM: There you go. With duct tape.

DR: Actually duct tape the ice so it doesn’t melt, anymore…

GRM: And pump the polar bears full of Tamiflu.

DR: Inject Tamiflu into the polar bears so they don’t get sick and die. Maybe we could do something like that. I don’t know. And shoot any Republicans that try to go up to Alaska.

GRM: Feed them to the polar bears. They’re underweight, already, remember?

DR: But I hear Jeb Bush is doing a good job, here, so I hate to trash him.

GRM: Oh, go right ahead, please.

DR: Oh, really?

CK: Yeah, sure.

DR: Are you non-Jebs? It seems like Jeb Bush is doing good and he got the only good genes in the family.

GRM: Both of them.

CK: They were Levi’s.

DR: Yes. Exactly.

CK: Actually, they were probably Wrangler’s.

DR: Yeah. He doesn’t shoot people in the face.

CK: Not yet. Well, not that he’s talked about.

GRM: Pity.

DR: Yeah. Well, you get a lot more done that way. It was kind of funny that they [Dick Cheney and pal] were hunting quail when, in fact, his [George “Dubya” Bush] father’s vice president was Dan Quayle. I find that very… if you’re a conspiracy theorist…

GRM: I don’t think anyone’s played that angle.

DR: See? There’s a conspiracy theory there, right?

GRM: … Um, I’m behind you.

DR: Maybe he was aiming at Dan Quayle, to be honest, and he accidentally shot the other guy.

CK: And who wouldn’t want to? I mean, Dan Quayle?

DR: He called it “quail hunting.” He got out of the car to shoot quail? You see what I’m saying?

GRM: I think you’re onto something here.

DR: Ooh. Interesting.

GRM: If you ever want to write for us, please check us out.

DR: Okay. Obviously, you can see that I’m very intelligent…

GRM: As long as you can write.

DR: Yes.

GRM: We know you can act, but let’s see if you can write.

DR: I try and I do actually write for a lot of magazines. Is it like TheOnion, then?

GRM: Yes. But a little edgier.

DR: Edgier?

GRM: And some other real stuff.

DR: Kind of mixed in: real and unreal. I like that.

CK: We cuss and make fun of things. We have no respect at all.

[Laughter]

CK: We’re jerks.

GRM: Do we have any more questions, or should we let the lady get back to work?

CK: Um, where is the “B” Movie Hall of Fame? Every hall of fame is in Canton, Ohio, so it’s gotta be in Canton, Ohio.

DR: I’ll tell you where it is: it’s in Syracuse, New York.

GRM: Really? Not Canton, Ohio?

DR: Nope.

CK: Everything else is in Canton, Ohio.

DR: I have not been to Canton, Ohio.

CK: That’s where the Baseball Hall of Fame is; the Football Hall of Fame. Not the “B” Movie Hall of Fame, apparently.

DR: Nope, nope. It’s in the great Syracuse, New York.CK: I was going to ask you earlier if you had any problems with Laura Dern, because I thought we’d done good research, but you brought up Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains before we did.

DR: Did I have problems with her? No. Laura Dern was just very studious and kept to herself. Diane Lane, on the other hand, was so young – she was fourteen or fifteen, at the time – and she wanted to go out and party. She had her mother there, because she was so young. She actually had a shower scene and a make out scene with Ray Winston. But, she was on set, so, she was going through that trying to get away from her mother thing, I think, so she was on the set, sowing her wild oats and really getting into her sexuality and that age.

GRM: At fourteen? Nice. Good job.

DR: Well, I heard she lost her virginity at, um, thirty. No, I…

GRM: I’m planning to, soon. Any day, now.

DR: Any day, now. Any day, now. There’s actually… I’d really like to mention that there’s going to be a Troma disc coming out that is highlighting all of the work I’ve done with them the past fifteen years. It includes the movies, the skits, intros, stuff we’ve done for overseas television, Cinemax, and everything. But – here’s the clincher, this is the good part – it’s going to be hosted by one of my biggest fans who really really is a forty year-old virgin. For real.

GRM: Really?

DR: Yeah.

GRM: Wow.

DR: Yes. And he is absolutely amazing. I think he might steal my thunder, to be honest, because the clips are great but this guy… His name is George and…

GRM: What’s the boxed set called?

DR: I don’t know, yet, but it’s going to be something like My Dinner with a Stalker or The Stalker Diaries. I don’t think it will be Debbie Rochon’s Best in Tromaville. That’s too boring. It’s going to be ‘stalker’ in there, because I think it will grab people.

CK: People like stalkers.

DR: They do.

CK: It’s such a Hollywood society.

DR: You’re nobody unless you have had one.

CK: I’ve had three.

DR: Have you?

CK: This week.

DR: Where they all men?

CK: Two men and a young, small girl.

DR: Young men… Two older men and a young girl.

CK: This forty year-old virgin – is this religious for him? Is it religious, like, ‘God doesn’t want me to have sex until I find the right one?’

DR: No, no. No, it’s not. It’s absolutely not.

CK: Is he really creepy?

DR: Well, he’s unusual. I had a showing of a movie of mine called American Nightmare at this theater. It screened at seven o’clock and he got there at eleven a.m. to make sure he was the first one there.

CK: People do that for Star Wars months in advance.

DR: It’s not that crazy. He has asked my character – not me, but my character from a movie – to marry him. He’s written letters to Jane, which is the character’s name. Long letters, and hopes for a reply. It’s not a religious thing. He actually has a page on MySpace and he says that his fantasy is a female magician who is a lesbian who will force him to watch he have lesbian acts and then allow him to touch their soft calves and then, afterwards, marry him.

CK: Isn’t that all of our fantasies?

GRM: You can’t make that kind of stuff up.

DR: Yeah, but it has to be in that exact order.

CK: I’m flexible on the calf thing, so…

GRM: I prefer the joint at the knee, personally.

CK: You’re a knee guy?

DR: Everybody has their variation on it, but it’s… He’s a very fascinating man.

GRM: Thank you very much, ma’am.

DR: Thank you very much.

GRM: Check out the site.

DR: Yes! I’m going to go, now, because I’ve read about it in the New York Times and I’ve read about it in Wall Street Journal and now I must actually go to the site.

-fin-

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Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Review

You have to love a film with more titles than substance. Gallery of Horrors aka Dr. Terror’s Gallery of Horrors aka The Blood Suckers aka Alien Massacre aka Return from the Past, or whatever the hell its called, is a compilation of five short stories: “The Witch’s Clock,” “The Spark of Life,” “Monster Raid,” “King Vampire,” and “Count Alucard” -- which is credited as “Count Dracula” just to be nice and inconsistent. What makes each of these shorts so unbelievably bad/good is not the comically poor acting, the seemingly endless use of the same ten seconds of stock footage or the clichéd plots, but rather, the “surprise” endings of each sketch. Each short ends with that a “dun dun duh!” kind of style, only lacking in any surprise whatsoever. The “who would have guessed that the guy-dressed-as-a-vampire was a vampire” type of endings will leave you in hysterics. The main issue I had with it is that one title is “Alien Massacre” -- and there wasn’t one bloody alien in sight!

Reason to Watch

You can play a drinking game where every time you see the same shot reused, you have to take a shot and every time you guess an ending wrong you have to take five.

Context

1967 saw out the summer of love, with a hundred thousand hippies eating acid, listening to the best music ever written and discussing art, science, religion and politics…badly. It witnessed the first heart transplant, the first Super Bowl, the first Earth Day and the first airing of Sesame Street. On the film side we had “Cool Hand Luke” and “The Graduate.” And “Gallery of Horrors.” Well, nothing’s perfect.

What you need to get through this movie

I would highly recommend having at least five Manhattans in you before sitting down with the Gallery.

Trivia

What’s even stranger than the plot(s) of this film is its cast. Rochelle Hudson was a true Hollywood leading lady. She quit the movie business after this grand finale of a film, probably because of how embarrassing it was. Lon Chaney Jr. was enough of a horror star to make it onto the 32¢ US horror movie commemorative postage stamps! John Carradine was a massively prolific character actor and ended up with a Daytime Emmy and a Star on the Walk of Fame. What the hell were these people doing in this low budget piece of trash?! The answer: David L. Hewitt. The man had a flare for hiring once-popular-and-now-cheap actors to star in his no-budget disasters. This movie is so bad that you absolutely have to see it.

Educational Content

1. The pilgrims built massive gothic stone castle in Massachusetts.
2. All the castles were exactly the same.
3. They apparently also built these castles in Scotland and Transylvania.
4. Sometimes the door to the dungeon of the castle is the door to the castle and sometimes it’s the door to the dungeon (depending on which continent the castle resides.)
5. People in Transelvania where lederhosen and speak with “I vant to suck-eur-blud” accents, but vampires sound French.
6. Mid 18th century Scotland was inhabited entirely by Americans. And they had 1960s telephones.
7. Really movies have at least five or six alternate titles. The REALLY good ones will also have five or so subtitles (that are different depending on the version of the main title and are credited differently on the title cards from the credits.) This is to show they are at least five or six times better than your silly movie with only one title.
8. The only twist that should be in some films should be the lime in my Manhattan.

Justification for Rating

As far as being bad enough to be good goes, this falls a little short. I would suggest being in extreme states of conscious to enjoy this, or be one of those weird people (like myself) who is happy to laugh at someone else’s’ misfortune. This film would make a great drinking game though.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tGInf8GrGk

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Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Review

Meg Kelten is a seemingly typical 1960′s housewife, cleaning house in sheer lingerie and poofy pumps and such, until her husband decides to go to work on a (gasp) Saturday! After cleaning their obviously modern pad, she enters the real world, only to get raped, raped, beaten, raped, raped, beaten, raped, and then beaten. Along the way she strips to her undies and does some acrobatics and such, but that’s only to fill in the gaps between scenes of rape and violence. Look out for a twist ending that’s sure to keep you thinking for minutes!

Reason to Watch

Other than the obvious reason of seeing a woman get repeatedly raped and beaten, Bad Girls Go to Hell has some of the worst dubbing ever put to film.

Context

For 1965, this has got to be one of the raunchiest movies going. It’s an interesting look into post-1950’s feminine subservience, yet at the same time giving one a glimpse at the women’s-lib movement that was just around the corner.

Most memorable quote(s)

“You are the kindest man I’ve ever met.”

What you need to get through this movie

With it’s repetitive theme of rape and brutality, this is definitely a film to drink yourself into. Because of a nonsensical scene with a former alcoholic, Cutty Sark would be the liquor of choice. For fun, have a shot every time someone walks directly into the camera for a scene change.

Trivia

Doris Wishman was the only woman to churn out sexploitation flicks in the 1960′s. Though she enjoyed many aspects of film production and was also the director, she abhorred actually making the films.

Educational Content

1. Never, ever leave your apartment if you are an attractive female.
2. One can go from sober to violently drunk to asleep in less than two minutes with Cutty Sark.
3. All men are rapists. Except the ones that beat you.
4. Women never wear clothes at home – unless it is completely see-thru.
5. You can beat a woman and beat a woman, but she’ll never learn and never bruise.

Justification for Rating

Bad Girls Go to Hell gets two stars – one star for the beating, one star for the raping.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgn0AXpQbHI

Related posts:

1. Review of Gallery of Horrors
2. Review of Werewolf Woman