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Troll 2 Cult Flicks Night September 11th

Steve — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 17:14:59 +0000

September 11th, 2010 at the Tampa Pitcher Show Cult Flicks Latest Movie Troll 2 “Best Worst Movie”

www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyophYBP_w4

Review of Blood Feast

Casey — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 04:32:54 +0000

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Review

If I told you that a movie had blood, guts, gore, and a Playboy model, you would probably be pretty excited, right? Don’t pull your pants down just yet: Blood Feast is an abomination of all that is horrific.

Fuad Ramses is the proprietor of an Egyptian catering business when said Playmate’s mom rings up and asks him to prepare something… different. Ramses, of course, suggests something… Egyptian: an Egyptian Feast! Little does any know (although they should, given that they explain to everyone at every chance possible exactly what an Egyptian Feast consists of), all of the murders that have been happening lately are just Ramses collecting the ingredients for said feast. Good thing your typical Keystone Cops are on the case (yeesh!).

Reason to Watch

Though the acting is deplorable, the sound is terrible, and the direction is weak, there are a couple of scenes of absolute gore which save this from being a complete waste of time.

Most memorable quote(s)

“Well Frank, it looks like one of those long hard ones!”
“Ramses was the killer we’ve been looking for. Mrs. Fremont, I’m afraid this feast is evidence of murder!” “Oh dear! The guests will have to eat hamburgers for dinner tonight.”

What you need to get through this movie

With it’s grossly inept police officers, one dozen jelly donuts, a pot of coffee per person, and some cocaine planted on a minority is absolutely required to survive this Blood Feast.

Trivia

This piece of trash was (poorly) edited by Robert Sinise, the father of Lt. Dan himself, Gary Sinise.

Educational Content

You can pull someone’s tongue out if you pull hard enough, and it’s a good way to keep them from screaming.
Cops are stupid. Trust me.
Ancient Egyptians were white.
No matter how obvious your plot, it’s always best to be completely sure that no one is left in the cold by having every detail explained at the end by the detective who was never even once hot on the perpetrator’s tail.
If you join an occult book club, you will lose body parts for stew.

Justification for Rating

Though made of pure suck, there is a good amount of blood and guts to squeeze out the one and one-half stars we give it.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQEQ_RVClrY

5 Movies Better Left as Video Games

Steve — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 14:45:32 +0000

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, while maybe not so awful it would make you want rip out your eyes with wasabi-tipped chopsticks, it is most certainly way overhyped. Even A-list celebrities (Alec Baldwin, Ving Rhames, and Steve Buscemi) and state of the art CGI aren’t enough to make this movie watchable more than once. A bland story line that’s not up to par with any of the games makes me wish that I hadn’t doled out my eight bucks to see this in the theater.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnE64DbnUzY

Street Fighter: The Movie

This movie is so bad that I truly believe that it killed my beloved Raul Julia. If you have ever played the Street Fighter series, you already know the plot. A couple of gay guys in their blue and red karate outfits “hadouken” their way in and out of trouble with one-eyed warlords and eccentric generals obsessed with the love of world damnation (domination?) and super-science. Somehow a star at the time, the very Belgian and also probably very gay Jean-Claude Van Damme plays the Super American “Colonel Guile”. Much like the game, when this is on I have to watch but then soon realize why I hate it – it just goes on and on with no point, fighting the same fight, and doing the same damn cheat moves. DAMN YOU RYU!!!!!!

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=avXsM2n2oqg

Double Dragon

Ah, 1994. A great time! Clinton was in the White House, Phil Hartman was still alive, and Kurt Cobain’s head was splattered all over his garage. What wasn’t great was the live-action movie of one of the greatest NES games of all time. The Double Dragon movie is so bad that anytime I even hear about it, I force carnal thoughts of Cloris Leachman upon myself just to get the thought of it out of my mind. The only thing that saves this from being the worst video game movie ever is Alyssa Milano and the creepy burn victim Bo Abobo saying, “Wut Up Chikin Butt?”.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qa8eF3VLDsE

Super Mario Brothers

Here’s an idea: take the most iconic video game franchise ever and see what happens if we let the guys who brought us Max Headroom make a movie out of it and see what happens. I’ll tell you what will happen: it will suck, and not just in that “Hey, did you just see that Adam Sandler movie?” way. I mean really suck, like you’re stuck in line for the bathroom at an all-you-can-eat taco bar and the guy in front of you is Louie Anderson. Nothing in this movie made any sense. Dennis Hopper was freaking King Koopa. The studio would have done better if they went to a costume store, bought a Godzilla outfit, and paid a bum with Olde English 800 and McRib sandwiches to run around saying “Rawww”. I would rather go to an autoerotic asphyxiation party with Patty Hurst and the guys from INXS than have to watch this again.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cd-h8q-C58k

Mortal Kombat 2: Annihilation

This is it! Not only the worst video game movie I have ever seen, it’s in the running for worst movie ever made. Mortal Kombat 2 is so bad that it is said it was used as a torture device at Guantanamo Bay until it was deemed too cruel for human viewing. While I have no proof of this, I think the director stole 80% of the budget and ran to Mexico for a huge Coke party and left his duties to a 9-year-old Filipino Down’s syndrome kid on twenty hits of acid. While in theory this may sound like a way to get a box office smash, in practice, it’s not so good. May death come swiftly to those who watch this.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HbNLiR1trY

Review of Dementia 13

Greg — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 16:33:45 +0000

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Review

If you’ve ever wondered, “I wonder what Francis Ford Coppola was doing before The Godfather, one of the greatest films in history of people making films ever?”, then look no further than Dementia 13. Yes, folks, from low budget b-film to “Greatest Filmmaker Ever” in under a decade. You, too, can start out making “Adult Features”, work your way into “Cult Horror”, and then go on to define a genre. But most likely not. D-13 is not a terrible movie; it’s got that “a director was here” feel to it, with some nifty camera angles and a couple of cool shots, but for every glimpse of a promising director, you have two moments of a drunken screenwriter. I was either too intoxicated or not intoxicated enough to understand what was going on. For the first quarter of the movie I was convinced it was about a woman trying to cover up the accidental death of her husband so she could get some money, somehow… but then she is killed off by a random bad guy and we’re in a psycho killer plot line, which later changes to a family revenge story. I actually have to recommend this because it is so badly written that you have to see it to believe it, especially considering the man who wrote it went on to the Godfather series and Apocalypse Now.

Reason to Watch

The same writer and director as The Godfather, sixties-sexy underwear, a cool trick ending, and the most confusing plot ever. There is also a scene in which a poacher wanders down a stream looking for rabbits, and is then axe-chopped to death… I’m pretty sure it’s the longest, most boring scene in history -- hysterical.

Context

This is not your typical Roger Corman Edgar Alan Poe film, nor is it another American International teen slasher, and that’s all Coppola. He was only 24 when D-13 was released. I’m way older than that and will never make anything half as good as his first, crappy try.

Most memorable quote(s)

“You can tell she’s been raised on promises.”

What you need to get through this movie

If you are not a pot smoker I would recommend becoming one to get through this film. Or, if you are a pot smoker and who wants to show someone how confusing being high is, make them watch Dementia 13.

Trivia

The film did not live up to American Internationals’ ARKOFF formula (Action, Revolution, Killing, Oratory, Fantasy, and Fornication). In fact, Roger Corman, the producer, stormed out of the film’s first screening because it didn’t have enough axe-murdering. The whole poacher scene was added later (shot by a different director) just to add more Killing. Clearly, one of many poor decisions.

Educational Content

Your husband has to be alive in order for you to gain an inheritance.
“He’s on business” is a good enough excuse for months of absence.
You can perfectly time how long a rope will degrade under water.
Doctors are like private investigators, only much more prepared to abuse and torture those they interrogate.
Axe murderers seem perfectly normal during the day, being able to converse intelligently and politely, but at night, while murdering, they are babbling insane monsters who make little to no sense.

Justification for Rating

D-13 is not unwatchable… I have to give it 2 and a half stars, one for the directing, one for the trick ending and half for the script.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUe_HqotyH8

10 Bad Movies You Didn’t Know You Loved

Greg — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 03:23:51 +0000

The Giant Gila Monster

What sets this classic 50s Sci-Fi fiasco apart from other giant monster movies is its complete lack of respect for the laws of the giant monster movie. Rule 1: Giant Monsters come from a complete disregard for the laws of nature. This is where the moral of the story comes in – don’t pollute, clone, or mongrelize the races, or a 40-foot tall salamander will eat your family. This rule is broken by simply not explaining where the Gila Monster came from, what it wants, and how to reverse the science that created it. Rule 2: Keep the monster mysterious. Well, the opening scene shows the angry man in the lizard suit, so that’s right out. Rule 3: Get another monster to kill it. Our hero, Chase, kills the monster by driving a 50s hotrod stuffed with nitroglycerin into the beast – of course.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=siRaaXczANo

The Toxic Avenger II

Simply one of the greatest bad movies of all time! Troma outdid themselves with a 10-minute opening fight scene where the world’s greatest, hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength from New Jersey beats, blends, crushes, and rips apart a random assortment of stereotypes before traveling to Japan (by windsurfing) to find his dad. Toxie, as his friends call him, an ex-janitor, travels to Tokyo and learns the finer points of Japanese life and culture. He bathes in a traditional Japanese sento (bath house), eats shabu-shabu, and fights evil. I would strongly recommend drinking large quantities of sake and Drano® for this one.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sbBFROaJ-k

Brain Damage

If you ever find yourself attached to a brain-eating worm that looks like a penis and enjoys bad jokes, then Brain Damage is perfect for you. Did I mention he injects LSD and happiness directly into your spinal column? Complete with violence, exploding heads, anonymous sex in back alleys, and something that was either another exploding head or a Buddha-style enlightenment moment. The shear simplicity of the plot (as far as LSD injecting, brain eating worm plots can be simple) will leave you feeling spiritually in touch… or possibly wanting to jab a cheese knife in your ear – one or the other.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyXbjg1zdD4

Dead Alive

Possibly the bloodiest movie ever, this early Peter Jackson film is brilliant beyond your wildest dreams, especially if you only know him from those Lord of the Rings films. Look out for an especially disgusting scene that will change the way you look at custard forever, and the murder of hundreds of zombies with a gas-powered lawn mower. And a zombie pastor screwing a zombie nurse. And an partially-digested dog. And…

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxcyAkSQKZw

Forbidden Zone

This musical gem gets forgotten when compared to the slightly less awesome Rocky Horror Picture Show, but it’s worth seeking out. This movie absolutely has it all: drugs, alcohol, sex, tits, violence, love, jealousy, Satan, giant frogs, midgets, jock straps, blackface, stockings, blood, decapitations, chickens… Too bad it doesn’t get its just rewards as the greatest cult musical of all time!

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3Uh-AFFDys

Review of Izo

Steve — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 22:48:37 +0000

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Review

Izo is a demonic schizophrenic misogynist ronin killing machine with the ability to time travel. Izo is bent on reaching his goal of achieving “divine retribution,” no matter how many people he has to kill in horrible, horrible ways. The blood does not stop in this movie, be it from decapitation or sex. No one is immune from Izo’s wrath – just ask his mother or the garbage men.

Reason to Watch

If you have ever wondered what it would be like to kill everyone (and by everyone I mean everyone)… samurai, vampires, yakuza, your mother, teachers, middle-class businessmen, children, old people, young people, large black men, small asian men, midgets, moms, dads, Satan, and Jesus. Just when massive genocide on humanity is starting to get old, Izo shows us his caring side when he bangs out “Mother Nature” then goes back to killing.

Context

Most memorable quote(s)

“Rawwwlllll, Ahhh!”
“Yes, it hurts!”

What you need to get through this movie

Izo is a pretty gory flick so you may need something to get the thought of all the decapitations off your mind, I would suggest a constant loop of “Louie, Louie”, supplemented with two cups of Canadian orphan tears

Trivia

Sitges -- Catalonian International Film Festival -- Best Special effects
Sitges -- Catalonian International Film Festival -- Best Film (Nominated)

Educational Content

A vagina is not a good place to sheath a sword
Your soulmate will eat your lice
Rocks + head = death
If you’re going to be near a crazy killer demon, bring a guitar.
In Japan, garbage trucks make way for duels.
Zombies will let you pass, if you ask nicely
Dog and cats like smelly vagina
Don’t ever fuck with Izo, Ever!

Justification for Rating

As far as avant-garde, bloodbath, time-swapping samurai movies go, I would have to guess that Izo is up there, but with the confusing storyline and massive plot holes, it gets dropped way down. If you are looking for some serious blood-letting without much thought and the typical slasher flick isn’t doing it for you, Izo just might work. It definitely does not hold back on the shock value or violence.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBq_mZQJ9pI

Review of Bad Girls Go to Hell

Casey — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 01:19:55 +0000

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Review

Meg Kelten is a seemingly typical 1960′s housewife, cleaning house in sheer lingerie and poofy pumps and such, until her husband decides to go to work on a (gasp) Saturday! After cleaning their obviously modern pad, she enters the real world, only to get raped, raped, beaten, raped, raped, beaten, raped, and then beaten. Along the way she strips to her undies and does some acrobatics and such, but that’s only to fill in the gaps between scenes of rape and violence. Look out for a twist ending that’s sure to keep you thinking for minutes!

Reason to Watch

Other than the obvious reason of seeing a woman get repeatedly raped and beaten, Bad Girls Go to Hell has some of the worst dubbing ever put to film.

Context

For 1965, this has got to be one of the raunchiest movies going. It’s an interesting look into post-1950’s feminine subservience, yet at the same time giving one a glimpse at the women’s-lib movement that was just around the corner.

Most memorable quote(s)

“You are the kindest man I’ve ever met.”

What you need to get through this movie

With it’s repetitive theme of rape and brutality, this is definitely a film to drink yourself into. Because of a nonsensical scene with a former alcoholic, Cutty Sark would be the liquor of choice. For fun, have a shot every time someone walks directly into the camera for a scene change.

Trivia

Doris Wishman was the only woman to churn out sexploitation flicks in the 1960′s. Though she enjoyed many aspects of film production and was also the director, she abhorred actually making the films.

Educational Content

Never, ever leave your apartment if you are an attractive female.
One can go from sober to violently drunk to asleep in less than two minutes with Cutty Sark.
All men are rapists. Except the ones that beat you.
Women never wear clothes at home – unless it is completely see-thru.
You can beat a woman and beat a woman, but she’ll never learn and never bruise.

Justification for Rating

Bad Girls Go to Hell gets two stars – one star for the beating, one star for the raping.