Rating:

Review

Once you get past the poor title and the fact the movie is black and white it can be an half decent movie. The plot is about an ex-army major who seems to be a bit mental with deluded plans on conquering the world with some ‘transparent’ super soldiers. With the unwilling help of Dr. Ulof an invisibilty machine is created. Before all this a safe cracker is broken out of prison by an attractive blonde. They drive past a policeman who didnt have the common sense to ask to see the mysterious man in the passenger seat even though he had a hat on his face.

The film starts to get more scifi with Dr. Ulof chatting about using some dangerous reactive material and then blasts the safe cracker with the ‘Transparency Ray’. He then heads off to steal some atomic, nuclear things from a heavily gaurded safe but then turns against the ex-major and by the end of the film everyones double-crossed each other which left me a bit dumfounded.

Reason to Watch

Theres some comical fights with guards and baddies alike fighting thin air and alot of the acting is either overdone or the opposite with some actors left expressionless. Also some good camera work as the invisible guy fades in and out which i suppose was hi-tech for the 1960s.

Context

The 1960s/70s was the golden era for american B-movies however most of these went down the route of exploitation – and so the films were nick named ‘nudies’. Edgar G. Ulmer had plenty of chances to make some big budget A – movies but instead went with the cheap, wacky stuff.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

I did not agree to kill a man by deliberate radiation poisoning.

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

The only way to see past the poor acting skills of Douglas Kennedy and the budget of $100 is with a few litres of sangria and some good friends to distract from the TV.

Trivia

Edgar G. Ulmer filmed this and ‘Beyond the Time Barrier’ back to back in just two weeks.
The film was later featured in an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) an american cult comedy series about a man who is forced to watch terrible american B-movies – no joke, but in the end this show won a few awards and has quite a few followers.

Educational Content

X-rays can make you invisible – just remember that next time you break a bone, you might end up with no arm.

Justification for Rating

This movie definitely fits under the heading of, ‘so bad it ends up good’.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Jc0P9AgqC0

No related posts.

Rating:

Review

This movie sucks so hard it could turn itself inside out. Director Peter Fonda manages to take time travel and global apocalypse and make it as boring as walking through a grey baron wasteland… which, ironically, is what this film mostly consists of. The scary thing is, there actually seems to be real debate about whether this film is any good. Personally I think it is like Muholland Drive, ask someone what they thought of the movie and say they loved it, ask them what hell was going on and they have no idea. The only reason they said they loved is because they didn’t get it and don’t want to look stupid.
So Idaho Transfer tells the story of researchers who discover time travel, then they find out that in the future all life is destroyed so they travel further into the future to repopulate the human race, only they are now infertile so the whole thing was a big waste of time.

Reason to Watch

What makes a bad movie a good one is over the top campy acting, shaky sets, wild arguments, explosive characters and mosters, but here we are dumped on a baron rock with obnoxious kids. There is no gore, even when the girl gets her head smashed into a rock. I’m sure I did more damage to my head banging it against the wall as I forced myself to watch this pretentious crap. But if you want a reason to see it, watch it so you know how much better you can do with camcorder and your mates.

Context

This film was made as the hippy era was coming to an end and most people started not to care so much about the environment anymore. Nam and government corruption was bringing everyone down as Nixon faced the Watergate scandal. This was a film aimed at the youth, but by the time film was released the youth no longer cared and this film disappeared.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

“The oldest ones we saw were about 30, they don’t live very long and just gurgle and bump around”
“Some are so retarded they can’t even find food”
“He wants to be alone now! Don’t look for him!”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

Don’t smoke dope, this film is tough enough with trying to enhance the experience. This is all about survival, I suggest just have your mom come in every five minutes and slap you in the face.

Trivia

This was the beginning and ending for almost every ‘actor’ in the film, not one went on to do anything even remotely interesting.
The film ends with the quote “Esto Perpetua” which despite popular thought is not Latin for “You Wasted Your Life” but actually means “It is forever” and is the motto of the state of Idaho, which is quite depressing really.

Educational Content

1. In future people dress in silver and use humans for fuel.
2. Time travel is best left to the kids in skimpy underwear.
3. It turns out the future is a really boring place to be.

Justification for Rating

Peter Fonda only directed 3 films and the only good thing he did in this film was make sure he wasn’t in it. Of all the great landscapes in the world why did he have to pick Idaho’s baron wastelands. The film thinks it is smart, but gaping plot holes, flat acting and a budget that could barely rival your local high-school’s production of Our Town make this a dull and annoying experience. What I would give for a zombie, some blood or pointless nudity.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=v16JFmGKQ38

No related posts.

Rating:

Review

A transport bus from a hospital for disturbed children crashes and five extremely disturbed, psychologically unbalanced children escape from the bus. Wondering trough the snow the group comes across the large house of Papa Doc, who is hosting a weekend get-together with his business mates and their wives. Shortly after taking in five children, a caretaker and his friends begin to regret their generosity. No sooner have the kids arrived then they set out to lay traps for the adults in the house. A series of horrible murders follows and caretaker and his friends begin to die violent deaths, one after another.

Reason to Watch

If you like to watch savage and gory death scenes than this is the right movie for you.

Context

This movie was made in 1970′s, a period that coud be called a horror film fan’s nirvana, when low-budget fright shows were outdoing themselves to be the next Last House on the Left or The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

Talking to the dead nun and driver: “Excuse me sister… Naughty maniac drivers don’t deserve medals”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

Brand new, top of the top, security doors and alarm system because when the movie gets rolling you don’t want anyone uninvited to drop in.

Trivia

The first cut ran less than an hour so the producers had to get together and write additional scenes and bring in a new director to direct them. This explains why many of the actors sometimes seem to be in scenes by themselves, why the walls in some rooms change colors.

Educational Content

I know how kids can be cute, but think once more if you want to take strange kid into your house.

Justification for Rating

I didn’t really liked concept this movie but I must admit, those kids have interesting idea on how to kill someone.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsOnQBQSqSs

Related posts:

1. Review of Izo
2. Review of Deep Red (Profondo Rosso)
3. Review of Bloody Pit of Horror

Rating:

Review

A crook decides to bump off members of his inept crew and blame their deaths on a legendary sea creature. What he doesn’t know is that the creature is real

Reason to Watch

I would like to mention that the film quality was horrible throughout most of this film, as was the sound. It made it really hard to get good screenshots of the characters in most instances, yet the most cheesiest moster made up for it all!

Context

Made in the early sixties it took place after the revolution in Cuba at sea mainly.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

Mary Belle: “You know sump’n? We oughta get married.”
Renzo: “Now don’t be a drag baby.”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

The only way youll make it through this B film is a couple shots of morphine and a cuban cigar!

Trivia

http://www.amazon.com/Creature-Haunted-Sea-Black-White/dp/B001BSBBMG (you can also watch it in color!!)

Educational Content

If you encounter any sea monsters while on a boating trip you have a very good chance of smelling like a big turd afterwards.

Justification for Rating

Though I give the monster a 10 in the laugh factor. The blurrness and horrible sound brang it down to a 2.5

www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZOmMFOvoLg

Related posts:

1. Review of Night of the Living Dead
2. Review of Dead Men Walk

September 11th, 2010 at the Tampa Pitcher Show Cult Flicks Latest Movie Troll 2 “Best Worst Movie”

www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyophYBP_w4

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2. Cultflicks.net Cult Movie Night Roaring Success
3. Mechanical Turk Reviews

Rating:

Review

If I told you that a movie had blood, guts, gore, and a Playboy model, you would probably be pretty excited, right? Don’t pull your pants down just yet: Blood Feast is an abomination of all that is horrific.

Fuad Ramses is the proprietor of an Egyptian catering business when said Playmate’s mom rings up and asks him to prepare something… different. Ramses, of course, suggests something… Egyptian: an Egyptian Feast! Little does any know (although they should, given that they explain to everyone at every chance possible exactly what an Egyptian Feast consists of), all of the murders that have been happening lately are just Ramses collecting the ingredients for said feast. Good thing your typical Keystone Cops are on the case (yeesh!).

Reason to Watch

Though the acting is deplorable, the sound is terrible, and the direction is weak, there are a couple of scenes of absolute gore which save this from being a complete waste of time.

Most memorable quote(s)

• “Well Frank, it looks like one of those long hard ones!”
• “Ramses was the killer we’ve been looking for. Mrs. Fremont, I’m afraid this feast is evidence of murder!” “Oh dear! The guests will have to eat hamburgers for dinner tonight.”

What you need to get through this movie

With it’s grossly inept police officers, one dozen jelly donuts, a pot of coffee per person, and some cocaine planted on a minority is absolutely required to survive this Blood Feast.

Trivia

This piece of trash was (poorly) edited by Robert Sinise, the father of Lt. Dan himself, Gary Sinise.

Educational Content

1. You can pull someone’s tongue out if you pull hard enough, and it’s a good way to keep them from screaming.
2. Cops are stupid. Trust me.
3. Ancient Egyptians were white.
4. No matter how obvious your plot, it’s always best to be completely sure that no one is left in the cold by having every detail explained at the end by the detective who was never even once hot on the perpetrator’s tail.
5. If you join an occult book club, you will lose body parts for stew.

Justification for Rating

Though made of pure suck, there is a good amount of blood and guts to squeeze out the one and one-half stars we give it.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQEQ_RVClrY

Related posts:

1. Review of A Bucket of Blood
2. Review of Izo
3. The Definitive Top Ten Halloween Movies

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, while maybe not so awful it would make you want rip out your eyes with wasabi-tipped chopsticks, it is most certainly way overhyped. Even A-list celebrities (Alec Baldwin, Ving Rhames, and Steve Buscemi) and state of the art CGI aren’t enough to make this movie watchable more than once. A bland story line that’s not up to par with any of the games makes me wish that I hadn’t doled out my eight bucks to see this in the theater.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnE64DbnUzY

Street Fighter: The Movie

This movie is so bad that I truly believe that it killed my beloved Raul Julia. If you have ever played the Street Fighter series, you already know the plot. A couple of gay guys in their blue and red karate outfits “hadouken” their way in and out of trouble with one-eyed warlords and eccentric generals obsessed with the love of world damnation (domination?) and super-science.  Somehow a star at the time, the very Belgian and also probably very gay Jean-Claude Van Damme plays the Super American “Colonel Guile”. Much like the game, when this is on I have to watch but then soon realize why I hate it – it just goes on and on with no point, fighting the same fight, and doing the same damn cheat moves. DAMN YOU RYU!!!!!!

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=avXsM2n2oqg

Double Dragon

Ah, 1994. A great time! Clinton was in the White House, Phil Hartman was still alive, and Kurt Cobain’s head was splattered all over his garage. What wasn’t great was the live-action movie of one of the greatest NES games of all time. The Double Dragon movie is so bad that anytime I even hear about it, I force carnal thoughts of Cloris Leachman upon myself just to get the thought of it out of my mind. The only thing that saves this from being the worst video game movie ever is Alyssa Milano and the creepy burn victim Bo Abobo saying, “Wut Up Chikin Butt?”.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qa8eF3VLDsE

Super Mario Brothers

Here’s an idea: take the most iconic video game franchise ever and see what happens if we let the guys who brought us Max Headroom make a movie out of it and see what happens. I’ll tell you what will happen: it will suck, and not just in that “Hey, did you just see that Adam Sandler movie?” way. I mean really suck, like you’re stuck in line for the bathroom at an all-you-can-eat taco bar and the guy in front of you is Louie Anderson. Nothing in this movie made any sense. Dennis Hopper was freaking King Koopa. The studio would have done better if they went to a costume store, bought a Godzilla outfit, and paid a bum with Olde English 800 and McRib sandwiches to run around saying “Rawww”. I would rather go to an autoerotic asphyxiation party with Patty Hurst and the guys from INXS than have to watch this again.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cd-h8q-C58k

Mortal Kombat 2: Annihilation

This is it! Not only the worst video game movie I have ever seen, it’s in the running for worst movie ever made. Mortal Kombat 2 is so bad that it is said it was used as a torture device at Guantanamo Bay until it was deemed too cruel for human viewing. While I have no proof of this, I think the director stole 80% of the budget and ran to Mexico for a huge Coke party and left his duties to a 9-year-old Filipino Down’s syndrome kid on twenty hits of acid. While in theory this may sound like a way to get a box office smash, in practice, it’s not so good. May death come swiftly to those who watch this.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HbNLiR1trY

Related posts:

1. 10 Bad Movies You Didn’t Know You Loved
2. The Definitive Top Ten Halloween Movies
3. Review of Izo

Rating:

Review

If you’ve ever wondered, “I wonder what  Francis Ford Coppola was doing before The Godfather, one of the greatest films in history of people making films ever?”, then look no further than Dementia 13. Yes, folks, from low budget b-film to “Greatest Filmmaker Ever” in under a decade. You, too, can start out making “Adult Features”, work your way into “Cult Horror”, and then go on to define a genre. But most likely not. D-13 is not a terrible movie; it’s got that “a director was here” feel to it, with some nifty camera angles and a couple of cool shots, but for every glimpse of a promising director, you have two moments of a drunken screenwriter. I was either too intoxicated or not intoxicated enough to understand what was going on. For the first quarter of the movie I was convinced it was about a woman trying to cover up the accidental death of her husband so she could get some money, somehow… but then she is killed off by a random bad guy and we’re in a psycho killer plot line, which later changes to a family revenge story. I actually have to recommend this because it is so badly written that you have to see it to believe it, especially considering the man who wrote it went on to the Godfather series and Apocalypse Now.

Reason to Watch

The same writer and director as The Godfather, sixties-sexy underwear, a cool trick ending, and the most confusing plot ever. There is also a scene in which a poacher wanders down a stream looking for rabbits, and is then axe-chopped to death… I’m pretty sure it’s the longest, most boring scene in history – hysterical.

Context

This is not your typical Roger Corman Edgar Alan Poe film, nor is it another American International teen slasher, and that’s all Coppola. He was only 24 when D-13 was released. I’m way older than that and will never make anything half as good as his first, crappy try.

Most memorable quote(s)

“You can tell she’s been raised on promises.”

What you need to get through this movie

If you are not a pot smoker I would recommend becoming one to get through this film. Or, if you are a pot smoker and who wants to show someone how confusing being high is, make them watch Dementia 13.

Trivia

The film did not live up to American Internationals’ ARKOFF formula (Action, Revolution, Killing, Oratory, Fantasy, and Fornication). In fact, Roger Corman, the producer, stormed out of the film’s first screening because it didn’t have enough axe-murdering. The whole poacher scene was added later (shot by a different director) just to add more Killing. Clearly, one of many poor decisions.

Educational Content

1. Your husband has to be alive in order for you to gain an inheritance.
2. “He’s on business” is a good enough excuse for months of absence.
3. You can perfectly time how long a rope will degrade under water.
4. Doctors are like private investigators, only much more prepared to abuse and torture those they interrogate.
5. Axe murderers seem perfectly normal during the day, being able to converse intelligently and politely, but at night, while murdering, they are babbling insane monsters who make little to no sense.

Justification for Rating

D-13 is not unwatchable… I have to give it 2 and a half stars, one for the directing, one for the trick ending and half for the script.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUe_HqotyH8

No related posts.

The Giant Gila Monster

What sets this classic 50s Sci-Fi fiasco apart from other giant monster movies is its complete lack of respect for the laws of the giant monster movie. Rule 1: Giant Monsters come from a complete disregard for the laws of nature. This is where the moral of the story comes in – don’t pollute, clone, or mongrelize the races, or a 40-foot tall salamander will eat your family. This rule is broken by simply not explaining where the Gila Monster came from, what it wants, and how to reverse the science that created it. Rule 2: Keep the monster mysterious. Well, the opening scene shows the angry man in the lizard suit, so that’s right out. Rule 3: Get another monster to kill it. Our hero, Chase, kills the monster by driving a 50s hotrod stuffed with nitroglycerin into the beast – of course.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=siRaaXczANo

The Toxic Avenger II

Simply one of the greatest bad movies of all time! Troma outdid themselves with a 10-minute opening fight scene where the world’s greatest, hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength from New Jersey beats, blends, crushes, and rips apart a random assortment of stereotypes before traveling to Japan (by windsurfing) to find his dad. Toxie, as his friends call him, an ex-janitor, travels to Tokyo and learns the finer points of Japanese life and culture. He bathes in a traditional Japanese sento (bath house), eats shabu-shabu, and fights evil. I would strongly recommend drinking large quantities of sake and Drano® for this one.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sbBFROaJ-k

Brain Damage

If you ever find yourself attached to a brain-eating worm that looks like a penis and enjoys bad jokes, then Brain Damage is perfect for you. Did I mention he injects LSD and happiness directly into your spinal column? Complete with violence, exploding heads, anonymous sex in back alleys, and something that was either another exploding head or a Buddha-style enlightenment moment. The shear simplicity of the plot (as far as LSD injecting, brain eating worm plots can be simple) will leave you feeling spiritually in touch… or possibly wanting to jab a cheese knife in your ear – one or the other.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyXbjg1zdD4

Dead Alive

Possibly the bloodiest movie ever, this early Peter Jackson film is brilliant beyond your wildest dreams, especially if you only know him from those Lord of the Rings films. Look out for an especially disgusting scene that will change the way you look at custard forever, and the murder of hundreds of zombies with a gas-powered lawn mower. And a zombie pastor screwing a zombie nurse. And an partially-digested dog. And…

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxcyAkSQKZw

Forbidden Zone

This musical gem gets forgotten when compared to the slightly less awesome Rocky Horror Picture Show, but it’s worth seeking out. This movie absolutely has it all: drugs, alcohol, sex, tits, violence, love, jealousy, Satan, giant frogs, midgets, jock straps, blackface, stockings, blood, decapitations, chickens… Too bad it doesn’t get its just rewards as the greatest cult musical of all time!

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3Uh-AFFDys

Related posts:

1. The Definitive Top Ten Halloween Movies
2. 5 Movies Better Left as Video Games
3. Review of Blood Feast

Rating:

Review

Izo is a demonic schizophrenic misogynist ronin killing machine with the ability to time travel. Izo is bent on reaching his goal of achieving “divine retribution,” no matter how many people he has to kill in horrible, horrible ways. The blood does not stop in this movie, be it from decapitation or sex. No one is immune from Izo’s wrath – just ask his mother or the garbage men.

Reason to Watch

If you have ever wondered what it would be like to kill everyone (and by everyone I mean everyone)… samurai, vampires, yakuza, your mother, teachers, middle-class businessmen, children, old people, young people, large black men, small asian men, midgets, moms, dads, Satan, and Jesus. Just when massive genocide on humanity is starting to get old, Izo shows us his caring side when he bangs out “Mother Nature” then goes back to killing.

Context

Most memorable quote(s)

“Rawwwlllll, Ahhh!”
“Yes, it hurts!”

What you need to get through this movie

Izo is a pretty gory flick so you may need something to get the thought of all the decapitations off your mind, I would suggest a constant loop of “Louie, Louie”, supplemented with two cups of Canadian orphan tears. If that doesn’t work for you, you may as well visit Party Casino to take your mind off it entirely.

Trivia

Sitges – Catalonian International Film Festival – Best Special effects
Sitges – Catalonian International Film Festival – Best Film (Nominated)

Educational Content

1. A vagina is not a good place to sheath a sword
2. Your soulmate will eat your lice
3. Rocks + head = death
4. If you’re going to be near a crazy killer demon, bring a guitar.
5. In Japan, garbage trucks make way for duels.
6. Zombies will let you pass, if you ask nicely
7. Dog and cats like smelly vagina
8. Don’t ever fuck with Izo, Ever!

Justification for Rating

As far as avant-garde, bloodbath, time-swapping samurai movies go, I would have to guess that Izo is up there, but with the confusing storyline and massive plot holes, it gets dropped way down. If you are looking for some serious blood-letting without much thought and the typical slasher flick isn’t doing it for you, Izo just might work. It definitely does not hold back on the shock value or violence.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBq_mZQJ9pI

Related posts:

1. Review of Terminal USA
2. Review of Blood Feast
3. Review of The Monster Maker