Rating:

Review

Fonda Chu is a young woman who was just released from prison and is looking to make a fresh start. Things begin to look promising when a letter arrives offering her work at a newspaper in small town. Inquiring minds want to know who she is and where she came from. But it seems that no matter how hard she tries someone will not let her forget her past. Strange and awful things begin to happen to those around her and all fingers point straight to her. Fonda must figure out who is responsible and answer questions to her past before it is too late.

Reason to Watch

It is hard to discern if the acting is terrible or not because the movie was originally in Chinese and dubbed in English. There are quite a few plot holes and questions are left unanswered, but the level of cruelty carried out by the antagonist in order to physically and mentally torture Fonda are good reason to watch.

Context

The movie takes place on an island, mostly likely in China. It is some time in the seventies where everyone has hair with lots of volume and bell bottoms are definitely in.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

“Fonda, that giant fish we caught yesterday, did you eat it? If not, I can help you eat it.”
“Sorry Simon, but time is important when getting the news. A woman would just get in the way!”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

I would prepare shots of hard liquor every time Fonda’s boss, Simon, tries to become more than friends. If that is not strong enough, you could take a bong hit every time a mysterious figure/entity does something evil to Fonda.

Trivia

The sashimi knife and the cleaver were actually very popular weapons to attack and kills people with. Gangsters would use the sashimi knife because it was long and easy enough to conceal and offered deep penetration of the target. The chinese cleaver was designed to be more of an all purpose knife in the kitchen that seems to work well on people too.

Educational Content

1. If someone cuts the brakes on your bicycle and you just noticed this on my way down a hill, try to do more than just scream and run straight into a rock face.
2. If you ever have the opportunity to obtain the upper hand in a fight against someone with a gun, for god’s sake do not stop clubbing the person to death just so you can run around the corner and end up in the exact same situation. Finish the job! In fact, overkill is acceptable.

Justification for Rating

The movie’s dialogue and sequencing seemed a little too fast paced. I think it may have had something to do with the dubbing in English. Some things do get lost in translation. That aside, the story was not too bad. There were a few plot holes, the music had a lazy electronic feel to it, but you do find yourself wanting to put the pieces of the story together as you progress through the story line. I think the end of the movie would have been better if it was not so cliche. I give it 5/10 stars.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrVvOydvDoE

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7. GoldenEye

Coming in at number seven is the seventeenth Bond film, Goldeneye. The reason it makes the list is simple: the end of the short-lived Timothy Dalton era and the beginning of the modern Bond age.  There’s always that suspicion between Bond films of the new guy, and Pierce Brosnan could have been a lot worse. He brought back the playfulness that had been missing with ol’ Tim. Dalton played Bond pretty dark, and the freshness of the ass-patting and silly gadgetry allowed the welcome reminiscing of the Roger Moore days. The plot wasn’t bad, the girls were hot, and the explosions had that big-budget feel.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUNP9xrOBd4

6. Goldfinger

Hands down the winner of the best-sexual-double-entendre film award. With Miss Pussy Galore being such a cunning linguist, killing beautiful women by painting their naked bodies with gold paint, and trying to take Sean Connery with a laser, Goldfinger became the Bond movie template for future films. As the third film, it really stood out compared to the first two in being so much more about the suave secret agent rather than the story like No and Russia were. We also see the beginnings of the gadgetry that would occasionally get out of hand in the Bond series. Besides that, the film is entertaining in the purest sense, funny, clever, and action-packed.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1TmeBd9338

5. Live and Let Die

Like a few of the films on this list, Live and Let Die is great because of that switch between actors playing Bond working against the odds and popular opinion. Roger Moore brought a much cheekier version of 007, twice the ass-patting, more innuendo, and hope to kids not blessed with black hair, that they can still grow up to be super spies. Live and Let Die is almost a blaxploitation flick, with fantastic stereotypical characters like Mr. Big, a jive-talking, drug-dealing brother complete with a posse of afro-sporting, heat-packing, big, bad ‘n’ black henchmen. The 8th Bond film is unusual in that our bad guy is not interested in taking over the world, but rather in expanding his heroin empire (by giving away two tons of free smack!). It’s even weirder when you consider the psychic love interest, the voodoo witchdoctors assassins, and Moore escaping crocodiles by running over their backs.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ySyZ8-RS6g

4. You Only Live Twice

Although not as good as the movies below, You Only Live Twice might be my personal favorite. I think that this is probably for a number of reasons. First, it’s set in Japan (a place I’ve been obsessed with forever, and even lived), the screenplay was written by Roald Dahl (Charlie and the Chocolate factory), it’s our first view of Ernst Stavro Blofeld’s face, and finally, it was the triadic end to the Connery Bond era. With a plot that borders on the ridiculous, You Only Live Twice is pure fun. Giant volcanic bases, spaceships that eat other spaceships, gadgets galore, and suitcase-helicopters armed to the teeth all make the fifth film the stuff that parody’s dreams are made of.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=21poI4ZmIRU

3. From Russia with Love

Possibly the most beautifully shot of the Bond films, From Russia with Love is often critiqued as the best of the series. While brilliant, it had the unfortunate luck of being the second of the Bond movies, and hence has to compete standing next to Dr. No. Still, Russia is still a phenomenal film on its own.

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www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqAOf66o1Wg

2. Casino Royale

Maybe the reason that Casino got so high on the list is it’s the newest (for a few days) of the Bonds and it did something that very few 007 movies, and indeed, most movies, manage to do – exceed expectations. Daniel Craig was actually good, and brought his own interpretation of Bondness (as they all do), but more than that, after the gaudiness of the previous few, the slickness and modernism of the film was so refreshing  that it revitalized the franchise.  Perhaps it was touching on an Ian Fleming novel (although a very liberal touch), but something about Casino Royale feels more like the older films: more charm than gadgetry, more style and explosions.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fl5WHj0bZ2Q

1. Dr. No

What can you really say about the film that started it all?  Dr. No gave us the gun-barrel shooting opening, the stylized, musical credits and the establishment of Bond as a man of “now” – the never changing, forty-something ladies’-man. It also gave the world one of sexiest cinematic moments when Ursula Andress walked out of the blue, Crab Key waters in that white bikini… and also probably permanently skewed my young brain toward blondes for the rest of my life. Although a lifetime apart, Casino Royale and Dr. No have that original literary feel to them, and maybe that’s why I love them so. Dr. No’s low budget (one MLLLLLLION dollars!) forced Terence Young to use style rather than explosives.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAu20TEk-ag

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Rating:

Review

A homosexual sorceress with perfect hair and an affinity for buff young men puts on a masturbatory homage to street fighting, with a tropic twist. The greatest fighters in world not named Chuck Norris or Gary Coleman set forth to do battle to the death in order to save the earth. Mortal Kombat will take you to places you were pretty sure they would go, but with the help of the hottest 10,000 year old chick you will ever see they just might be able to pull off the greatest up set known to man.

Reason to Watch

Have you ever watch a softcore porn and said, “Hell, I wish they would just stop having sex and break out into a totally unrealistic fight scene?” If so, Mortal Kombat will give you the pleasure of those “late night movie channels” without the sticky clean up.

Context

1995 was a transitional time for video game graphics, where, in only a few years, Mortal Kombat video games would look and sound way better than the movie. Thank you PlayStation!

Most memorable quote(s)

“Those were $500 sunglasses, asshole!”
“I am going to shoot myself for being in your movie!”
“Finish Him!”

What you need to get through this movie

Freebasing peppermint patties is suggested for getting all the way through this movie. Not only will it enhance your experience, it will leave you with minty fresh breath!

Trivia

Sonya Blade (Bridgette Leann Wilson) is married to tennis pro Pete Sampras.
Won BMI Film Music Award

Educational Content

1. Modesty shorts are no substitute for a strong athletic cup.
2. Sibling squabbles don’t seem that important after your soul has been digested.
3. Never, ever ask an Asian to park your car or put up your luggage.
4. No matter what world you live in, the lovable black guy always dies

Justification for Rating

The mid 90’s brought us some of the worst video game movies the world has ever seen. If Double Dragon wasn’t bad enough film makers also came out with Street Fighter. This was so bad that it give Raul Juila cancer and luckly killed him before it destroyed his career. By using these two used tampons of motion picture as competition, Mortal Kombat is a watchable flick (by “watchable” I mean more like that time you drank a pint of Natural Citrus Listerine® at the Sadie Hawkins Dance and let that ugly chick give you a hand job.) It’s ok, just don’t let ever one know that. Mortal Kombat has everything a nostalgic twenty-somthing could ask for on a boring night.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTwvPSYUaFs

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