Action

Review of Orca, The Killer Whale

Action, Drama, Horror, Scifi, Thriller Comments Off on Review of Orca, The Killer Whale

Orca, the Killer Whale movie poster

Rating: ★★★★★☆☆☆☆☆

Review

Orca, the Killer Whale is a heartwarming tale of a killer whale and the captain that killed his mate. A new spin on Moby Dick, it features Richard Harris (known as the first Dumbledore to Harry Potter fans) trying to outsmart a pissed off killer whale.

Reason to Watch

The fine acting by the killer whale, squawking in horror as his dying mate gives premature birth to a rubber whale fetus, is a performance for the ages, and was sadly ignored by the Academy that year.

Context

In the great Hollywood tradition, this scientific travesty of a movie was green lit in an attempt to cash in on the popularity of Jaws. The human acting is questionable, effects are decent, and you can tell when they are shooting captive whales in tanks. Produced by one of the high kings of 70’s and 80’s cheese, Dino De Laurentis, this is a pungent offering for fans of animal horror.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • It is known that they have great memory and, even after many years, they will always remember the human being who has tried to harm them.
  • But you’ll murder him – you’ll sit here safe on the jetty, and shoot him through the eye? You’re not a man, you’re an animal! Its creatures like you science should be observing!
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

I did just fine with a bottle of spiced rum. Taking a shot every time they show a closeup of the whale’s mournful eye will get you loaded within an hour.

Trivia

In the mid-80s, Dino De Laurentiis considered a sequel to King Kong that would have had him going head-to-head with an Orca.

Educational Content
  • Killer whales are vengeful dicks, who will eat Bo Derek’s leg to teach you a lesson.
Justification for Rating

Vague references to Native American mysticism, vengeful sea mammals and a score by Ennio Morricone make for an entertaining, one-time experience. Sadly, as in most cases, the movie is nowhere near as epic as the poster.

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Action

Review of Killer Klowns From Outer Space

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Killer Klowns From Outer SpaceRating: ★★★★★☆☆☆☆☆

Review

Space aliens that look like clowns are attacking the populace of a small town, and its up to a group of teenagers with an ice cream truck to save the day.

Reason to Watch

You always knew there was something wrong about clowns, something not right… This film reveals the secrets behind the clown conspiracy. Watch in horror as innocent victims are wrapped in cotton candy, only to have their blood sucked out by vampiric aliens using silly straws.

Context

Teen horror was big business in the 1980’s, and this toned down offering was intended to pullin crowds who were unable to get into one of the Friday the 13th sequels.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • It was a space ship. And there was these things, these killer clowns, and they shot popcorn at us! We barely got away!
  • Killer clowns, from outer space. Holy shit!
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

A bag of circus peanuts, and some mescaline.

Trivia

Director Stephen Chiodo had hoped the shower scene would rival Alfred Hitchcock’s masterpiece Psycho, substituting a toilet bowl swirl for the shower drain.

Educational Content
  • Clowns are evil.
  • Small town law enforcement hates teenagers.
  • Clowns are evil.
Justification for Rating

This movie is great fun, as long as you don’t have a fear of clowns. Over the top sets, horrible dialogue and less than passable acting all add up to a hot time under the big top

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Action

Review of “Template Review”

Action Comments Off on Review of “Template Review”

Rating: ★★★★★★★★★★

Review

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Reason to Watch

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Context

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Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent vel neque enim, quis dapibus diam.
  • Morbi aliquam auctor pharetra. Aliquam erat volutpat. Proin bibendum varius est sit amet sodales.
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

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Trivia

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Educational Content
  • Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit.
  • Praesent vel neque enim, quis dapibus diam. Morbi aliquam auctor pharetra.
  • Aliquam erat volutpat. Proin bibendum varius est sit amet sodales. Donec in eros sem.
  • Proin nec adipiscing quam. Morbi eget orci a urna auctor ullamcorper.
  • Donec convallis elit eu nisl scelerisque id suscipit augue tempor.
Justification for Rating

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Horror

Review of Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

Horror, Scifi Comments Off on Review of Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus DVD CoverRating: ★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

In a world where science has dabbled where it should not, a military team searches for two predators that are… HOLY SHIT! THE SHARK JUMPED 10,000 FT IN THE AIR AND ATE A PASSENGER JET PLANE! HELL YEAH!

Reason to Watch

Pop icon Debbie Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas turn in exquisite performances as… LOOK, HONEY! THE OCTOPUS JUST DESTROYED A SUBMARINE!

Context

In our modern society, where the speed of science is outpacing religion and morality, this movie asks the hard questions about pro… HAHAHAH! THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE JUST GOT EATEN BY THE SHARK!!!

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • Now if we don’t find the bible means of stopping this fucker, Sharkzilla is gonna own the seas.
  • Listen, screw these environmentalists. When I give the order, shoot to kill!
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

Beer, and possibly a pizza.

Trivia

In the scene where Emma, Seiji and Lamar are interrogated, Baxter (Lorenzo Lamas) describes Emma as “a woman whose career is all washed-up.” This is a pun on Deborah Gibson’s music career, which reached its peak with the album Electric Youth in 1989, but floundered through the 1990s.

Educational Content
  • Prehistorical animals that are preserved in ice are still alive.
  • Debbie Gibson got kinda fugly
  • Sharks will jump out of the ocean and eat airplanes.
Justification for Rating

It’s rare that a movie makes you reconsider the path of your career, and… DUDE! LORENZO LAMAS ABOUT TO OPEN THAT WHOOP ASS CAN ON THAT SHARK.

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Review of Django

Western Comments Off on Review of Django

Django DVD CoverRating: ★★★★★★★☆☆☆

Review

If you like your Westerns with a heap of parmesan on top or have watched all of the Clint Eastwood-Sergio Leone films to the point of tears, you’ll probably love Django.  The acting by Franco Nero in the eponymous role is what you’d expect from the genre, but certainly no worse. This film was directed by another Sergio, this time Sergio Corbucci, who seems to love a violent scene far more than Sergio Leone ever did. It lacks the cool and retroactively hip music of some of the more mainstream spaghetti Westerns, but the camp-pretending -to-be-serious factor is intact.

The plot is pretty standard fare. Django is a gunslinging widower who wanders the countryside with a gatlin gun ina  casket. His mission is to find The Really Bad Bad Guy who killed his wife. He comes upon TRBBG with yet another female victim and spirits her away after the requisite flying bullets.  Our hero then pairs up with The Mostly Bad Bad Guy to steal TRBBG’s gold and then of course kill him.

Reason to Watch

The real pull here is Franco Nero, who can be thanked for paving the way for Terence Hill. Oh, and the Western-on-steroids level of violence. You also probably also won’t find a gunfighter without hands anywhere else.

Context

This movie was released in 1966, at the height of the Eastwood-Leone era, but was promptly blasted by the UK ratings system for its high level of graphic violence. In fact, it didn’t receive its certificate (parental rating) until 1993. In 1966, some considered Django the most violent film ever made. To be fair, Jersey Shore wasn’t on TV yet.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • Django:  You can clean up the mess, but don’t touch my coffin.
  • Nataniele: If you’re a coffin maker, you sure did pick a good town to settle.
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

For the purist, a bottle of cheap Italian red and a plate of cannolis are de riguer. If you can’t manage that, at least have the garlic flavored potato chips. And leave your mental clarity at the door; nobody cares if the gatlin gun isn’t realistically designed.

Educational Content
  • If you’re The Good Guy, you need not fear recoil from firing a gatlin on full automatic. If you’re merely The Mostly Good Guy, YMMV.
  • The hero of a spaghetti western may be brutal and hellbent on revenge, but he always has time for romance.
  • If your town is almost a non-entity, bankrupt, lawless and without industry, a mysterious gunslinger will be there momentarily
Justification for Rating

If you love the genre, it’s a good way to spend a couple of hours. On the other hand, if Lonsesome Dove is your favorite Western, you might be better off looking elsewhere.

 

Clip

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8Ge2hmSTbo

 

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