Fantasy

Review of Edward Scissorhands

Fantasy Comments Off on Review of Edward Scissorhands

Rating: ★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

The movie starts off with this old man in a castle. He was a lonely old man who wanted somebody to use as his sex slave so he created a son. Now, not only did the thought of incest turn him on, but this old man was a real S & M fan as well. He made the sons hands from blades, hoping to finally reach the ultimate orgasm. In the excitement of seeing his creation coming to life, the old man croaked. Now, down in the valley was a goody goody Mrs. Cleaver type woman who found Edward Scissorhands and decided she needed to fill the empty void in her life so she took him home. Edward falls in love with her daughter, which was doomed from the start. All the neighbors must have been sadist as well, because they just can’t wait for him to put his blades all over them. He ends up killing the daughters boyfriend and gets sent back to the castle where he learns fairly quickly that masturbation really isn’t an option.

Reason to Watch

You want to punish your son and show him what you can do to his hands if he keeps jizzin’ all over your sheets.

Context

Pretty sure Michael Jackson was the fashion and beauty director on set.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • Edward: “I’m not finished”
  • “We are looking for the man with the hands”
Trivia
  • Johnny Depp only says 169 words the entire movie
  • Tom Cruise, Jim Carrey and Robert Downey Jr were considered for the roll
  • Vincent Price died after appearing in this movie, making his last appearance on screen a death scene
Educational Content

Stay out of castles, never trust a man who has blades for hands with your daughter, and there are much better ways for sadist to satisfy themselves than  building a boy toy.

Justification for Rating

There is no justification for this movie, I gave it a 3 because I liked the ice sculptures.

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Horror

Review of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Horror Comments Off on Review of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Rating: ★★★★★★★★★☆

Review

A gang of young kids driving through Texas in a van hear stories of killings in the area… feeling invincible they continue on until they pick up a hitchiker who is obsessed with telling them the killing methods they use at the slaughterhouse he works at. After the hitchiker slashes his hands, sets shit on fire and demands money, they kick him out of the van, but not before he cuts the hand of wheelchair riding Franklin. They run out of gas after kickin’ out the hitchslasher and Kirk, the driver, heads for an old house and becomes the first to meet Leatherface and his mallet. Kirks girlfriend Pam comes after him only to end up fatality number 2, this time with a pretty little hook shoved through her back. Jerry, rings in at number 3, falling victim to the mallet.
The only ones left now are Franklin and his sister Sally… after nobody comes back to the van they figure it’s time to go find them. Franklin, obviously easy prey, is next as Leatherface takes him down. Sally is now left all alone and leads Leatherface on a long chase that ends with her being held up in Leatherface’s house with him and his fucked up family. Between the furniture being made out of human bones and the hitchslasher from earlier being one of the family members, Sally, being the bright girl she is in this movie, realizes she should probably get the hell out there. She manages to escape, gives chase again… this time leaving Leatherface behind.

Reason to Watch

Next weeks dinner ideas.

Context

Made “presumably” on true events and had a much larger impact on audiences in 1974 than it would now. Not a lot of gore and blood, but a nice sense of terror for the most port.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • “My family’s always been in” meat”
  • “That’s the last goddamn hitchhiker I ever pick up”
  • “I just can’t take no pleasure in killing. There’s just some things you gotta do. Don’t mean you have to like it”
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

A couple of napkins and some of that home made chili from the old smelly couple down the street.

Trivia
  • Despite the implications of the film’s title, only one victim is killed by a chainsaw (Franklin).
  • The financing for this film came from profits made off Deep Throat (1972).
  • Uncredited and then unknown John Larroquette provided the narration
Educational Content

Never pick up hitchhikers, never trust a man who uses human skin as a facial mask, and never eat chili in Texas.

Clip

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-73BUDHcCCc

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Review of Dirty Dancing

Romance Comments Off on Review of Dirty Dancing

Rating: ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

Dr. Houseman takes his family back to upstate New York’s Catskill Mountains for yet another, exclusive vacation surrounded by people who are paid to kiss their ass. “Baby”, daddy’s little girl, happens upon a little shing-ding the staff is throwing and trys to get accepted into the tribe. Johnny, the head dance instructor, wants nothing to do with the little brat and tries to send her away. Well, spoiled girls aren’t use to being told no, so she keeps coming back. His dancing partner gets knocked up by the bus boy and they find themselves in a pickle. His partner convinces him to give baby a chance and helps teach her a routine they need to perform. Johnny falls for Baby until Baby’s dad finds out about the side action and forbids her to see him again assuming he is the one who knocked up his dancing partner. At the last dinner of the trip, Johnny comes and takes Baby out of the corner daddy made her sit in, daddy finds out it WASN’T him who knocked up his partner, they dance and all is right in the world again.

Reason to Watch

Highly recommended for High School teachers trying to convince their student the feelings they have towards each other are natural and age should not matter.

Context

Made during a time when EVERYBODY was screwing underage girls, so it was okay.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • Nobody puts baby in a corner
  • Go back to your playpen baby
Trivia
  • Johnny is always in dark clothing while Baby is always wearing light colors.
  • They spray painted the trees green because it wasn’t really summer.
Educational Content

The importance of using a CLEAN hanger when performing an abortion in the back room.

Justification for Rating

There are no negative numbers, so I had to go with 0.

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Horror

Review of Hellraiser

Horror Comments Off on Review of Hellraiser

Rating: ★★★★★★★★★★

Review

The movie starts with a quick introduction of Frank – a sadist looking for the ultimate pleasure. He buys this puzzle from this dude and while messing around with it opens the doors to a world of wonder and joy, filled with chains, hooks and random body parts. Forward ahead several years… Franks brother Larry along with his new wife Julia and daughter Kirsty move into Franks abandoned house. When Larry bust open a vein and spills some blood on the attic floor Frank is magically resurrected, with a catch. His body is only half intact and to get back into shape he needs more blood. Frank reaches out to Julia,  who he use to have vicious, hard-core romps in the sack with before his disappearance. Julia, who never stopped craving Frank to begin with starts whoring herself out to get Frank some dinner. Kirsty, who has already moved out to get away from the bitch, starts wondering just wth her mommy dearest is up to and follows her, watches her bring home her latest trist and comes face to face with the not-quite-completed Frank. She escapes with the box and wakes up in the hospital. After piddle-fucking around with it she solves it, summoning a great group of guys called the Cenobites. They come to claim her body and soul until she tells them she can give them Frank – who they were pretty peeved with. They agree, Kirsty goes hoem to retrieve Frank for her new friends and find he has taken over her dad’s body. The Cenobites welcome Frank back with open arms and Kirsty is off the hook..

Reason to Watch

If for no other reason, you gotta watch to see Julia lay one on Franks adorable face.

Context

Unique story line for it’s time. Original, sadistic and gruesome without being to cheesy.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • “We have such sights to show you”
  • “No tears please, it’s a waste of good suffering”
  • “Welcome to the worst nightmare of all… reality!”
Trivia
  • The film’s original title was “Sadomasochists From Beyond The Grave”
  • The budget for this film was $1 million dollars
  • The film is based on Clive Barker’s book “The Hellbound Heart”
Educational Content

The school systems would do good to replace traditional sex-ed classes with this film.

Justification for Rating

I gave it a 10 based on originality, the creepy factor, and I love seeing people hit in the head with hammers.

Clip

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAx34IZ8bTk

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Horror

Review of Theater of Blood

Comedy, Drama, Horror Comments Off on Review of Theater of Blood

Rating: ★★★★★★☆☆☆☆

Review

What does a frustrated Shakespearean actor do, when he is consistently passed up for awards by a group of critics who simply can’t see his vision? Knock them off, of course, setting up elaborate schemes, taken from the Bard himself.

Reason to Watch

I suppose that Vincent Price chewing scenery is reason enough for many cult film fanatics, but for those who need more convincing, the film is actually quite well done. The acting is on par with the British horror films of the time, and Jigsaw could learn a few things from the imaginatively horrific fates the critics suffer. (Don’t ask about the dog)

Context

Vincent Price was a standard of 70’s British horror, and this is a perfect showpiece for his stage acting abilities.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • You begin to resent an actor if you always have to give him bad notices.
  • Critics are likely to make enemies, inspector. You can call it an occupational hazard.
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

This movie is best savored with a glass of red wine and a theater geek.

Trivia

Vincent Price met his wife Carol on set during the filming of this movie.

Educational Content
  • Don’t try to get crazy hippies out of an abandoned building by yourself.
Justification for Rating

Great acting, great plot.. it makes for an enjoyable watching experience/

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