Comedy

Review of Return of the Living Dead

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Return of the Living DeadRating: ★★★★★★★☆☆☆

Review

When Dan O’Bannon and George Romero crafted Night of the Living Dead in the late 60’s, the producers and the duo themselves never obtained proper copyright. In totality, the franchise naming and overall premise wasn’t particularly owned by anyone, allowing both O’Bannon and Romero to create two deviating franchises based on the original movie. Due to creative differences, the two parted, and O’Bannon took a more humors approach to the zombie apocalypse, ushering in Return of the Living Dead and four sequels. And like many many-sequeled franchises, it is the earliest iteration that obtains the most respect. Return of the Living Dead is a largely comical trope through the zombie outbreak, drowning in comical overdone make-up effects and solidifying many zombie archetypes that stay in place even to today.

Reason to Watch

If you felt the zombie apocalypse story lacked a little comedy relief this way of jar Jar Binks or Animal House, return of the Living Dead is there to save the day.

Context

Return of the Living Dead is violent, gruesome, and horrifying stupid. With that said, it’s pure unrelenting entertainment, and I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • Burt Wilson: I thought you said if we destroyed the brain, it’d die! 
    Frank: It worked in the movie! 
    Burt Wilson: Well, it ain’t working now, Frank! 
    Freddy: You mean the movie lied? 
  • Suicide: How come you guys only come around when you need a ride someplace? 
    Spider: ‘Cause you’re one spooky motherfucker, man. 
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

A love for zombie films is pretty necessary. this thing is straight zombie grade-A sweetness

Trivia
  • The film’s original intention was to be filmed in 3-D. Not quite Avatar level 3-D I’m sure, but also two decades before that movie became a hit
  • Executives attempted to get George A. Romero involved with the project as producer, and had a hefty lump to pay. He never responded
  • The director was shocked to see so many females interested in the film, saying he would have shown Thom Matthews naked if he knew that would occur
Educational Content

Even in death, you have a sense of humour

Nicknames make you zombie fodder

Justification for Rating

This unrelenting take on the zombie franchise works better as a comedy and as an entertaining film far more than any of George A. Romero’s latter-day zombie attempts where he essentially took the zombies in a direction of banding together and forming societies- except without the comedy and more of a “we’re serious, we’re building a farm” angle. it was awful.

Clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wylpeAXYcBQ

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Comedy

Review of Joe vs. the Volcano

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Joe Versus The VolcanoRating: ★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

Before Tom Hanks was mentally ill in Forest Gump or stuck on an island in Cast Away, he was retarded AND trapped in Joe vs. the Volcano. Ok, so he wasn’t actually mentally ill really, and he was only mentally lost, not, like, literally on an island, but Joe vs. the Volcano has Tom hawnks at his most intolerable (capped by an infuriating performance by has-been uber-obnoxious Meg Ryan. When Joe discovers he has an incurable disease (hate when that happens) he decides to throw himself into a volcano in Hawaii, because what else are you going to do? Joe vs. the Volcano is inately stupid, but not any more than any Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler trite of the last 15 years. tom hanks may be a mega-actor now, but right before he acted in Philadelphia, he probably should have thrown himself into a real Hawaiian volcano.

Reason to Watch

if you consider yourself unintelligent, or if you liked You’ve Got Mail, I guess this one is tailor-made for you

Context

Joe vs. the Volcano has a little something to say about life, but its so littered in romantic cliches and a contrived pointless plot that menaders in wasit deep water for 2 hours (quite literally) than this film might be worth checking out.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • Joe Banks: So I’m not sick? Except for this terminal disease?
  • Angelica: You’re in a rotten mood.
    Patricia: It’s the sunshine. Gets me down.
  • Joe Banks: I tell you one thing, though. Wherever we go, whatever we do, we’re gonna take this luggage with us!
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

A high tolerance for sappy Tom Hanks inspired romantic subplots

Educational Content

Meg Ryan is adorable if you’re Tom Hanks. if you are not, you want to slug her with a bat

There are far more productive less grade-B plot ways to kill yourself than diving in a volcano

if anything kills your motivation for suicide, it’s realizing how hard it is

Justification for Rating

Though the film has garnered a solid cult following, it is hard to ignore the fact that it relies on far too many cliches and typical plot directions to remain anything more than bland and forgettable

Clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGLKnAvzlg4

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Drama

Review of Tokyo Fist

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Tokyo FistRating: ★★★★★★★★☆☆

Review

With a title such as Tokyo Fist you may expect something akin to Kung Pow:Enter the Fist or a Bruce Lee cross-over flick, adorning more to comedy trite than ruthless violence. Tokyo Fist is unrelenting, gruesome, and merciless in its presentation. Sort of like The Passion of the Christ, except with less Jesus and more twenty-something Asian amateur boxers. Despite its violence, the film is drowning in melodramatic bullshit that would make a sixty-something American Lifetime move fan  roll her eyes. Yet if you can manage pass the drama, and there is a lot of it, you find some unrelenting sequences of pure pain and horror, where the two lead characters bash each other’s faces in, echoing the sentiments of the late 90’s flick, Fight Club. tokyo Fist is angry at something, maybe the actors, because the director truly run these kids through the ringer of what a face can handle.

Reason to Watch

For the girls, lots of shirtless ripped men. For the guys, these men beat the living fuck out of eachother. Win win.

Context

Tokyo Fist is the antithesis of visually charged spectacles of Japanese fighting culture. It’s like they took Rambo and Rocky, added a sprinkle of love quadrangle romance, added two Asian leads, and threw blood over everyone and everything.  Though Tokyo Fist seems to be trying to tell us something about violence and human nature, and I can’t quite pinpoint it. oh well, time to watch Rambo: First Blood Part 2 in 3-D for the umpteenth time.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • Tsuda: At least I don’t have problems with staying awake anymore.
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

An empty stomach

Trivia
  • This is director Shinya Tsukamoto’s second film, one that is just as unapologetic as his debut, Tetsuo.
Educational Content

If you punch someone’s face hard enough, their face will explode

Even people in Tokyo are lonely

Justification for Rating

The movie has a message, but it doesn’t drown out the simple fact that people beat the hell out of each other, and it looks painful and it’s simply brutal and there are consequences when it occurs in real life. But since this is Tokyo and that place is real far away, we can just pretend this is a crazy Japanese game show, so we fill no emotional or moral obligation to address anything the film has to say.

Clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsCCQRqZNHA

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Drama

Review of Santa Sangre

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Santa SangreRating: ★★★★★★★☆☆☆

Review

I don’t think Santa Sangre was meant to be as weird as it is. Some movies try so hard to be odd, and it often comes across as phony or self-parody. Santa Sangre is the most non-intentionally weird move ever devised. It has nothing to do with Santa Claus (at least I don’t think) and more to do with talking fish and circuses. Santa Sangre utilized the flash-forward before Lost made it cool, and takes advantage of Down Syndrome illness more than any other film. The film is also intensely violent and absurd beyond any sort of literal understanding. Santa Sangre may be a huge metaophor for child abuse, but it also has enough circus tricks to fit in a Cirque De Soleil script. You can’t come to terms with the film’s oddities any more than you can understand why your mom insists on Santa Claus being real even in your twenties.

Reason to Watch

Jesus makes a cameo appearance. The real Jesus, so that is pretty cool or whatever.

Context

italy and Mexico don’t usually deprive such entertainment, more known for their stuffiness and their illegal immigrants respectively, but for one reason or another, Santa Sangre just sort of works, even if it isn’t really saying anything at all about anything we can understand.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • Concha: Without me you are nothing. No one sees you and no one notices you. Just like your stupid hero.
  • Concha: It’s always roosters or swans! You never see anything else in your ridiculous hallucinations. 
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

Let’s just be honest here and nothing except shrooms and an Amazon frog can really make you come to sense and preparation for this thing.

Trivia
  • As a tribute to Mexican horror filmsSanta Sangre includes a scene with masked wrestlers and a “superwoman” named La Santa.
  • The line spoken during the death of the elephant (The Elephant is Dying) is used as the opening line of “What’s up with You” – a song by Eddie Murphy and Michael Jackson, of all combinations
Educational Content

You cannot atone for your sins by asking politely and sacrificing an animal

When a character hallucinates, even the smallest trivial problem is insurmountable

Justification for Rating

If senselessness is directly proportional to quality, a 7 will do perfectly here.

Clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVdBqvIUnyw

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Review of The Wizard of Oz

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Rating: ★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

Dorothy is a spoiled little girl who lives on a farm in Kansas with her Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. She runs away when the old lady down the street takes her dog (Toto) after he bit her, he escapes and comes back. Scared she will come back for him, they hit the road and eventually (like the pansy ass she is) come running home. But what’s this? There is a tornado and poor Dorothy and Toto can’t get into the shelter (I think they KNEW she was out there and they wanted her to get sucked up).  Anyways… Her and Toto end up flying through the air in the farm house and land with a quaint little “oh” from Dorothy.  They open the door to find a land of rainbows and sunshine, meet the good witch, give all the little munchkins boners, and piss off the bad witch. Sooo… Dorothy has to head out to Emerald City to meet the Wizard of Oz so she can get home. Along the way, she picks up three needy vagrants that also seek help from the Wizard. She manages to keep her dress on and they arrive, only to find out they need the witches broom before the Wizard will consider helping. They kill the bitch, bring back the broom and the Wizard turns out to be a fake then good witch shows up and gives Dorothy some bullshit that she could have went home whenever she wanted. Dorothy clicks her heels and wakes up from a dream, leaving you going WTF… cop out of an ending if you ask me!

Reason to Watch

Because you have children and want to teach them that running away will land them in Munchkin hell with a witch trying to murder their innocent little asses.

Context

For 1939 the graphics of this film were considered cutting edge. Musicals were very popular during that time and all I can say is thank God that phase is over!

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • “I don’t think we are in Kansas anymore”
  • “I’m Melting, I’m Melting”
  • “Auntie Em! Auntie Em!”
  • “There’s no place like home”
  • “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!”
  • “Follow the yellow brick road”

 

Trivia

Judy Garland couldn’t stop giggling while filming the scene in which Dorothy slaps the Cowardly Lion. So the director, Victor Fleming, took her aside and slapped her. She returned to the set and filmed the scene in one take. KUDOS to Victor for that one! Munchkins earned $50 per week, while Toto bagged $125 per week.  L Frank Baum received $75,000 for the rights to his book.

Educational Content

Never trust creepers behind curtains, monkey’s are evil creatures and living on a farm in Kansas would SUCK!

Clip

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aopdD9Cu-So

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