Scifi

Review of Idaho Transfer

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Idaho TransferRating: ★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

This movie sucks so hard it could turn itself inside out. Director Peter Fonda manages to take time travel and global apocalypse and make it as boring as walking through a grey baron wasteland… which, ironically, is what this film mostly consists of. The scary thing is, there actually seems to be real debate about whether this film is any good. Personally I think it is like Muholland Drive, ask someone what they thought of the movie and say they loved it, ask them what hell was going on and they have no idea. The only reason they said they loved is because they didn’t get it and don’t want to look stupid.
So Idaho Transfer tells the story of researchers who discover time travel, then they find out that in the future all life is destroyed so they travel further into the future to repopulate the human race, only they are now infertile so the whole thing was a big waste of time.

Reason to Watch

What makes a bad movie a good one is over the top campy acting, shaky sets, wild arguments, explosive characters and mosters, but here we are dumped on a baron rock with obnoxious kids. There is no gore, even when the girl gets her head smashed into a rock. I’m sure I did more damage to my head banging it against the wall as I forced myself to watch this pretentious crap. But if you want a reason to see it, watch it so you know how much better you can do with camcorder and your mates.

Context

This film was made as the hippy era was coming to an end and most people started not to care so much about the environment anymore. Nam and government corruption was bringing everyone down as Nixon faced the Watergate scandal. This was a film aimed at the youth, but by the time film was released the youth no longer cared and this film disappeared.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

“The oldest ones we saw were about 30, they don’t live very long and just gurgle and bump around”
“Some are so retarded they can’t even find food”
“He wants to be alone now! Don’t look for him!”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

Don’t smoke dope, this film is tough enough with trying to enhance the experience. This is all about survival, I suggest just have your mom come in every five minutes and slap you in the face.

Trivia

This was the beginning and ending for almost every ‘actor’ in the film, not one went on to do anything even remotely interesting.
The film ends with the quote “Esto Perpetua” which despite popular thought is not Latin for “You Wasted Your Life” but actually means “It is forever” and is the motto of the state of Idaho, which is quite depressing really.

Educational Content

1. In future people dress in silver and use humans for fuel.
2. Time travel is best left to the kids in skimpy underwear.
3. It turns out the future is a really boring place to be.

Justification for Rating

Peter Fonda only directed 3 films and the only good thing he did in this film was make sure he wasn’t in it. Of all the great landscapes in the world why did he have to pick Idaho’s baron wastelands. The film thinks it is smart, but gaping plot holes, flat acting and a budget that could barely rival your local high-school’s production of Our Town make this a dull and annoying experience. What I would give for a zombie, some blood or pointless nudity.

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Horror

Review of Horror Express

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Horror ExpressRating: ★★★★★★★☆☆☆

Review

Horror Express, is the story of a scientist who has discoverd an acient fossil and his desire to transport it back home aboard a train. The scientist traveling with his assitant put the fossil in a crate to keep prying eyes away. However, trouble starts right away on this tran-siberian train as a thief attempts to take look inside the crate. Needless to say the thief is instanly struck with death after viewing the fossil. No one knows what kill the man but they all notice that his eyes are bleeding and white. Our dear scientist has an aide, a fellow scientist, who is also eager to find out whats in the crate. This aide pays a baggage handler to take a look and of course he’s killed. Soon everyone is in uproar over these murders. The storyline brings in a monk traveling with a count and his wife and a inspector. The monk declares the crate evil and the inspectors searches for a murderer. Before the movie ends more characters and zombie enters and the mystery of the fossil is uncovered.

Reason to Watch

Horror Express, is an excellent movie to view. It’s gives us a story of the scientist who as unearth the ultimate evil along with premise of outer space travelers. Add on zombies and I ask you what more could you want? Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee are always giving there best and we get to see Cushing cut someones head off.

Context

The film was made in Madrid in the early seventies and Cushing and Lee during this period were still considered the best actors of the B-movie genre. Securing the two men for the movie was a coup for both the director and the producer.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

1. “Smooth as a baby’s bottom!” One of the characters commenting on the condition of a dead man’s brain.
2. ” You think evil can be killed with bullets? Satan lives. The Unholy One is among us.” The monk like priest making a profound statement regarding evil.

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

I recommend you get out the beer and chips for this one. Horror Express, is a movie that tries to take itself serious by giving us the premise of a train ride that ones can’t get off of.Well as a viewer am telling you your the only one trapped aboard for the ride.

Trivia

1.The movie was filmed without sound with all the voices and other sounds being added later.
2. The trains interior scenes and the exterior scenes were filmed using sets from the movie Poncho Villa.

Educational Content

1. Never knew it took so little equipment to do an autopsy.
2. Never knew that trains continue to run even when dead people are being found. Thats dedication to arriving on time.
3. Can an autopsy really reveal that your memory and knowledge are gone?

Justification for Rating

This movie gets a seven for it’s originality. The Horror Express, starts off with a good premise and introduces different plots that are blended into the story very well. A ghoul movie that will keep you interested.

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Horror

Review of Devil Times Five

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Devil Times FiveRating: ★★½☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

A transport bus from a hospital for disturbed children crashes and five extremely disturbed, psychologically unbalanced children escape from the bus. Wondering trough the snow the group comes across the large house of Papa Doc, who is hosting a weekend get-together with his business mates and their wives. Shortly after taking in five children, a caretaker and his friends begin to regret their generosity. No sooner have the kids arrived then they set out to lay traps for the adults in the house. A series of horrible murders follows and caretaker and his friends begin to die violent deaths, one after another.

Reason to Watch

If you like to watch savage and gory death scenes than this is the right movie for you.

Context

This movie was made in 1970’s, a period that coud be called a horror film fan’s nirvana, when low-budget fright shows were outdoing themselves to be the next Last House on the Left or The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

Talking to the dead nun and driver: “Excuse me sister… Naughty maniac drivers don’t deserve medals”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

Brand new, top of the top, security doors and alarm system because when the movie gets rolling you don’t want anyone uninvited to drop in.

Trivia

The first cut ran less than an hour so the producers had to get together and write additional scenes and bring in a new director to direct them. This explains why many of the actors sometimes seem to be in scenes by themselves, why the walls in some rooms change colors.

Educational Content

I know how kids can be cute, but think once more if you want to take strange kid into your house.

Justification for Rating

I didn’t really liked concept this movie but I must admit, those kids have interesting idea on how to kill someone.

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Horror

Review of Deep Red (Profondo Rosso)

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Rating: ★★★★★☆☆☆☆☆

Review

This masterpiece by italian director Dario Argento revolves around the story of Marcus Daly, a music teacher, as he investigates the brutal murder of a mysterious psychic named Helga Ulmann. Many clues are present throughout the movie that should help Daly resolve the murder, but these are often overlooked by the music teacher, who has a hard time understanding what happens around him, and thus becomes a danger for himself and for others.

Reason to Watch

As with many of Argento’s movies, this is a very visual and psychological movie. Even though the story is pretty basic and overused, the settings, the imagery, and the psychological state in which the characters are is enough to make this movie very enjoyable.

Context

Profondo Rosso is definitively a good example of horror movies produced by Italy in the 70’s. Animal cruelty, mysterious characters and beautifully orchestrated scenes of violence abound, like in any good movie by Argento, Fulci or Deodato.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

Olga’s remark at the lizard mutilation scene is pure gold: “Don’t pay any attention; my father’s just a little crazy.”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

This italian slasher is a good example of a movie where the rich smell of freshly cooked popcorn is essential (Although you won’t have much appetite during the viewing, unless the bubbly sound of hot blood makes you hungry)

Trivia

Note that the scene in which a small lizard gets impaled by a pin is entirely true, as it is often the case in italian horror movies where animals get injured.

Educational Content

This shocker film will let you know one thing: Are you a true B-movie snob? if you enjoyed it like I did, than yes, you can now attend horror movie shootings wearing a beret and cussing about how modern horror movies have “no soul”.

Justification for Rating

I love B movies. I love Dario Argento. I love italian horror movies. if you were like me, you’d put 4 stars too!

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Fan Reviews

Fan Review of Cathy’s Curse

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Rating: ★★★½☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

A forced dialog film featuring fantastic cars, terrifying mustaches, evil little girls and nonsensical pan shots. If one of your hobbies is to enrage your friends with forced viewings of horrible movies, then this is a great start to your evening. Perhaps you like to play drinking games like “guzzle during the theramin” or “shots for every time 1970s misogyny is unveiled”.
The fruity medium scene is a great place to pause and showcase your favorite inanimate objects. Its time to dust off that embarrassing relic your roommate left behind and do some group storytelling. You should drink some more.
Are you trashed yet? You’ll want to be. Prepare for slow motion creepy doll and ghost scenes. Read the rest of this entry »

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