10 Bad Movies You Didn’t Know You Loved

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The Giant Gila Monster

What sets this classic 50s Sci-Fi fiasco apart from other giant monster movies is its complete lack of respect for the laws of the giant monster movie. Rule 1: Giant Monsters come from a complete disregard for the laws of nature. This is where the moral of the story comes in – don’t pollute, clone, or mongrelize the races, or a 40-foot tall salamander will eat your family. This rule is broken by simply not explaining where the Gila Monster came from, what it wants, and how to reverse the science that created it. Rule 2: Keep the monster mysterious. Well, the opening scene shows the angry man in the lizard suit, so that’s right out. Rule 3: Get another monster to kill it. Our hero, Chase, kills the monster by driving a 50s hotrod stuffed with nitroglycerin into the beast – of course.


The Toxic Avenger II

Simply one of the greatest bad movies of all time! Troma outdid themselves with a 10-minute opening fight scene where the world’s greatest, hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength from New Jersey beats, blends, crushes, and rips apart a random assortment of stereotypes before traveling to Japan (by windsurfing) to find his dad. Toxie, as his friends call him, an ex-janitor, travels to Tokyo and learns the finer points of Japanese life and culture. He bathes in a traditional Japanese sento (bath house), eats shabu-shabu, and fights evil. I would strongly recommend drinking large quantities of sake and Drano® for this one.


Brain Damage

If you ever find yourself attached to a brain-eating worm that looks like a penis and enjoys bad jokes, then Brain Damage is perfect for you. Did I mention he injects LSD and happiness directly into your spinal column? Complete with violence, exploding heads, anonymous sex in back alleys, and something that was either another exploding head or a Buddha-style enlightenment moment. The shear simplicity of the plot (as far as LSD injecting, brain eating worm plots can be simple) will leave you feeling spiritually in touch… or possibly wanting to jab a cheese knife in your ear – one or the other.


Dead Alive

Possibly the bloodiest movie ever, this early Peter Jackson film is brilliant beyond your wildest dreams, especially if you only know him from those Lord of the Rings films. Look out for an especially disgusting scene that will change the way you look at custard forever, and the murder of hundreds of zombies with a gas-powered lawn mower. And a zombie pastor screwing a zombie nurse. And an partially-digested dog. And…


Forbidden Zone

This musical gem gets forgotten when compared to the slightly less awesome Rocky Horror Picture Show, but it’s worth seeking out. This movie absolutely has it all: drugs, alcohol, sex, tits, violence, love, jealousy, Satan, giant frogs, midgets, jock straps, blackface, stockings, blood, decapitations, chickens… Too bad it doesn’t get its just rewards as the greatest cult musical of all time!


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14 Responses to “10 Bad Movies You Didn’t Know You Loved”

  1. Margapantalones Says:

    I don’t think I know of anybody who actually LOVES Pink Flamingos. However, without going to my address book, I can think of several who are genuinely terrified of it.

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  2. Greg Says:

    Well, when I saw it, I don’t think I could look at a large women in the streets without seeing burning trailers for about two years. I’m still getting over it and Casey has to bring it up! And I think he honestly loves that movie – he has a poster of it (signed by Waters) on his wall… so creepy.

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  3. Margapantalones Says:

    Is it a poster of Divine? Or the singing butthole? What in that movie could be pleasant enough (aside from the signature, of course) to be displayed on the wall?

    How do you suppose Waters found someone with a singing butt? Can you imagine what that Craigslist ad must have been like?

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  4. Steve Says:

    HAHAHAH, gotta love craigslist, I got a used set of tires and the clap from the same person.

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  5. Casey Says:

    It’s autographed by Waters himself, but what I wouldn’t do for an autograph of the gentleman with the butthole!

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  6. Margapantalones Says:

    INDEED, because that’s where the real talent is.

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  7. Greg Says:

    You people have a funny idea of talent.

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  8. Margapantalones Says:

    You’re just jealous because you have a tail instead of a singing asshole.

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  9. Steve Says:

    Well it’s good that we can count on Maggie for input without her this post would be stale

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  10. Greg Says:

    bread with moldy crust and served with murky water.

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  11. Steve Says:

    nom nom nom! Sounds very British

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  12. web Says:

    Ugh, Pink Flamingos!

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  13. Greg Says:

    Are we back to the Pink Flamingos thing again? Didn’t we just have this conversation?

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  14. Greg Says:

    Ok, after watching The Last Dragon, I think Cultflicks needs a top ten best bad movies you’ve never even heard of.

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