Country: USA - Language: English - Parental Guide: NR - Color: Black & White
You have to love a film with more titles than substance. Gallery of Horrors aka Dr. Terror’s Gallery of Horrors aka The Blood Suckers aka Alien Massacre aka Return from the Past, or whatever the hell its called, is a compilation of five short stories: “The Witch’s Clock,” “The Spark of Life,” “Monster Raid,” “King Vampire,” and “Count Alucard” – which is credited as “Count Dracula” just to be nice and inconsistent. What makes each of these shorts so unbelievably bad/good is not the comically poor acting, the seemingly endless use of the same ten seconds of stock footage or the clichéd plots, but rather, the “surprise” endings of each sketch. Each short ends with that a “dun dun duh!” kind of style, only lacking in any surprise whatsoever. The “who would have guessed that the guy-dressed-as-a-vampire was a vampire” type of endings will leave you in hysterics. The main issue I had with it is that one title is “Alien Massacre” – and there wasn’t one bloody alien in sight!
Reason to Watch
You can play a drinking game where every time you see the same shot reused, you have to take a shot and every time you guess an ending wrong you have to take five.
1967 saw out the summer of love, with a hundred thousand hippies eating acid, listening to the best music ever written and discussing art, science, religion and politics…badly. It witnessed the first heart transplant, the first Super Bowl, the first Earth Day and the first airing of Sesame Street. On the film side we had “Cool Hand Luke” and “The Graduate.” And “Gallery of Horrors.” Well, nothing’s perfect.
What you need to get through this movie
I would highly recommend having at least five Manhattans in you before sitting down with the Gallery.
What’s even stranger than the plot(s) of this film is its cast. Rochelle Hudson was a true Hollywood leading lady. She quit the movie business after this grand finale of a film, probably because of how embarrassing it was. Lon Chaney Jr. was enough of a horror star to make it onto the 32¢ US horror movie commemorative postage stamps! John Carradine was a massively prolific character actor and ended up with a Daytime Emmy and a Star on the Walk of Fame. What the hell were these people doing in this low budget piece of trash?! The answer: David L. Hewitt. The man had a flare for hiring once-popular-and-now-cheap actors to star in his no-budget disasters. This movie is so bad that you absolutely have to see it.
- The pilgrims built massive gothic stone castle in Massachusetts.
- All the castles were exactly the same.
- They apparently also built these castles in Scotland and Transylvania.
- Sometimes the door to the dungeon of the castle is the door to the castle and sometimes it’s the door to the dungeon (depending on which continent the castle resides.)
- People in Transelvania where lederhosen and speak with “I vant to suck-eur-blud” accents, but vampires sound French.
- Mid 18th century Scotland was inhabited entirely by Americans. And they had 1960s telephones.
- Really movies have at least five or six alternate titles. The REALLY good ones will also have five or so subtitles (that are different depending on the version of the main title and are credited differently on the title cards from the credits.) This is to show they are at least five or six times better than your silly movie with only one title.
- The only twist that should be in some films should be the lime in my Manhattan.
Justification for Rating
As far as being bad enough to be good goes, this falls a little short. I would suggest being in extreme states of conscious to enjoy this, or be one of those weird people (like myself) who is happy to laugh at someone else’s’ misfortune. This film would make a great drinking game though.