Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Review

Ah, clowns. For all of the joy and laughter they attempt to bring to children and adults alike, one just cannot help but be creeped out by them. Perhaps it’s the incessant, unwavering smile; it makes it impossible to gauge their emotions, so we see them as sociopathic machines. Maybe it’s the ingrained fear that they are all John Wayne Gacy under the white face and red nose. Regardless of the reason, clowns are fucking scary, and Director Marcus Koch takes advantage of this fact in his 2007 film, 100 Tears.
Gurdy is the king badass of your killer clown genre. Using a cartoon-sized meat cleaver, he out-butchers Pennywise, the Killer Klowns from Outer Space, and Pogo the Clown combined, and within the first quarter of the movie. Killing with indifference, Gurdy mercilessly disembowels girls, slaughters invalids, and tortures teens for the length of the movie. And it never gets old.
Sure, there’s more story to the story (something about tabloid reporters and midgets), but 100 Tears’ true brilliance shines through in the relentless blood-letting and the quite believable and disgusting special effects and makeup. No CGI here, kids; this movie is filled with good, old-fashioned latex-head decapitations and fake-blood bonanzas.

Reason to Watch

For Tampans, 100 Tears is a must-watch as it is filmed locally in Tampa and Gibsonton. For everyone else, watch it for the multiple disembowlings. Does one need more than that?

Context

This film is Koch’s first since his 1997 low-budget punk-gore film, Rot. If someone wants to see what a difference digital recording is making for low-budget filmmakers, watch the two of these movies back-to-back.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

“I wanna kill, Daddy.”

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

Cotton Candy Drink: 1 oz butterscotch schnapps, Mountain Dew Citrus Soda & ice cubes Add Butterscotch Schnapps and Mountain Dew to ice cubes in a Collins glass. Stir and serve. Or Cotton Candy: 2 oz Malibu Coconut Rum 1 oz peach schnapps pink lemonade Pour the Malibu rum and peach schnapps into a cocktail glass. Fill with pink lemonade, or add to taste, and serve.

Trivia

Director Marcus Koch was awesome enough to do an interview for CultFlicks! (Coming Soon… )

Educational Content

1. No matter how many people you kill in a movie, it just does not get old if there is enough blood and fake entrails.
2. Girls who cut themselves do it because of daddy issues
3. Do not go down on a random girl in an alley. Ever.
4. Gore movies with hot actresses do not always show tits.

Justification for Rating

Three stars for the gore, one for the clown, and one for the midget. Then I had to subtract a star for the lack of nudity in this NC-17 film.

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1. Review of Blood Feast
2. Review of Izo

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Review

Believe it or not kids, there was once a day when porn was not a mouse click away. Back in those days, we had to find other ways to see boobs, and horror films provided that opportunity. I remember the joys seeing “The Hunger” for the first time, that sexy section of video took some wear and tear I can tell you. So why this relevant? “Werewolf Woman” is basically a softcore porn film masquerading as a horror. The film starts off with a naked woman dancing around a fire before she turns into a werewolf and kills some people.

Flash forward to the “modern” day where distant relative Daniella Neseri (Annik Borel), having been recently raped, now makes an emotional connection to her family’s past before going on a killing spree which includes a lot of the biting out of men’s’ throats. She does not actually turn into a were-wolf; she just acts like one. She is, however, cured when she falls in love with a stuntman. They run along sandy beaches and they laugh and blah blah blah as he jumps through windows and crashes burning motorcycles. Fortunately, before it turns into the prequel to The Notebook, she is raped by three men and her boyfriend is killed. This sets her off again and she ends up in an asylum – typical. This is campy 70’s horror with bright red blood and loads of pointless nudity. Best of all, it’s based on a true story, but any similarities between anyone living or dead is apparently purely coincidental.

Reason to Watch

Porn is pretty easy to get hold of these days, so the number one reason to see this film is out. So my vote goes for the story. Seeing grown women running around, naked, biting out people’s throats is just plain super.

Context

This is a typical 70’s exploitation-horror film staple of Rino Di Silvestro, whose other films included “The Erotic Dreams of Cleopatra”, “Sex Slayer,” and “Love and Death in a Women’s Prison.” The nudity goes beyond what would have been seen in English language horror films and was even dubbed a “video nasty” and banned in the UK.

Most memorable quote(s)

“I saw you making love with Fabin. It was obscene, disgusting, but you liked it.” “Daniella, did you see that fall? Wasn’t it gay!”

What you need to get through this movie

I suggest watching this movie like a teenager from the 80’s. That means a box of tissues and the video remote control so you can fast forward the boring medical stuff.

Trivia

Annik Borel (also in “Blood Orgy of the She Devils”) made two more movies before she quit acting never to be seen again. The film was marketed under several titles including “Daughter of a Werewolf,” “Naked Werewolf Woman,” “Terror of the She Wolf,” and bizarrely in America, “The Wolf Man.” It was also selected by Quentin Tarantino for the First Annual Quentin Tarantino Film Fest in Austin, Texas in 1996. Tarantino had actually never seen the picture before he screened it. He loved it so much that all subsequent Film Fests had a surprise movie added to the end of each all-nighter known as the “Wolf Woman” selection; defined as an outrageous exploitation film sure to wake up the audience. “Wolf Women” selections over the years have included “The Blood Spattered Bride” and “Mighty Peking Man.”

Educational Content

1. Trained stuntmen can fall off buildings, fly through windows, but can’t take a chair to the back.
2. You are going to be at least as crazy your ancestors.
3. Avoid nude women in the woods.
4. Don’t make a she-wolf give you a blowjob.
5. She-wolves have really hairy boobs.
6. Stunt men can’t resist jumping through windows to impress the ladies.

Justification for Rating

This film was a lot of fun, although I could have done with less nudity and more wolf, but I guess the costume and make-up department blew their load on the opening sequence. It’s a great tale of revenge, the wicked are punished and the only victim is everyone else.

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1. Review of Bad Girls Go to Hell

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Review

It seems that times have not changed since the 1960s, we still warn our kids about stranger danger, when we should really be looking out for Uncle Touchy Feely. Anyway this is a disturbing little film directed at parents telling them to tell their children to stay away from strangers lest they be raped and killed. Shocking? Yes. And you haven’t even seen the real crime photos yet. Although the film is firm on telling parents that they are the ones who should warn their children many kids were subjected to this film at school leaving mental scares and nightmares that would last rest of their life. Kind of ironic, damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation.

Reason to Watch

Well I’m sick in the head so 1960s films about kiddie fiddlers are hilarious. Sure this isn’t the brilliant and far more humorous Boys Beware, but it is still lots of fun watching the Terminator like molester pursue little girls through the woods… that said the ending is a buzz kill.

Context

In the 1950s/60s there was not a problem that existed that could not be solved by a film warning you about it. Among the gods of this genre were Sid Davis, however this film was produced by the Highway Safety Foundation, a company much better known for it’s gory car crash videos used in driver’s ed class.

Most memorable quote(s)

After the girls have been missing 2 hours the narrator says “The grim face of the police brings home the reality of what they might be dealing with.” so much for optimism.

What you need to get through this movie

You need to be in the mind of a molester to enjoy this film. I suggest a bag of sweets, dark glasses, a bow tie and a bucket to vomit in at the climax.

Trivia

This film was swiftly removed after being released. Apparently you don’t need to see the corpses of dead girls to nail a point home.

Educational Content

So much to learn:

1. Child molesters will only be strangers.
2. Child molesters might grab your knee in the cinema.
3. Child molesters have the unyielding drive of a Terminator.
4. Child molesters often wear sunglasses to hide their identity.

Justification for Rating

Campy classic, but the real world photos of dead girls covered in blood just makes it a little more serious. So enjoy part 1, but prepare for part 2.

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1. Review of Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Review

“The movie is about a stupid girl with her unreasonable experiments on men. This was presented by the director in a manner that not everybody can enjoy. Here in this movie their is no need to wonder what madane frankenstein would have actually done with the bulging baldy. she creates if she was given half a chance.

The cock on table changes position between shorts when the wild bunch is telling jessie james the robbery plan and their legendary outlaw of old west jesse james,on the run from marshall,macphee,hides out in the castle.”

Reason to Watch

Relentlessly seriousness take places until end of the movie

Context

Most part of the movie picturized at corrigaville, California usa

Most memorable quote(s)

Maria,”You have already caused the death of three children and violated the graves of others just to make experiments”.

What you need to get through this movie

Movie is just as a comedy, the horror is mixed normally along with comedy

Trivia

This was estelita rodriquez last movie acted, she died on the same year under mysterious circumstances.

Educational Content

Experiments performed by anyone should be done good to the society.

Justification for Rating

Experiments shown in the movie is not useful to the generation at present

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1. Fan Review – The Child Molester – Part 1

To read an explanation of how we came across such bad reviews for such bad movies, click here.
Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Review

“The film Atom Age Vampir also known as “”Seddok, l’erede di Satana”" was released on 19th August 1960.This film goes around a lady who is a singer/dancer. Unfortunately one day she meets an accident.As a result she looses her beautiful appearance. Later a doctor looks after her and give her a good look this whole process involves  many horrible scenes.To give her a good appearance the doctor will give her additional treatments using glands taken from murdered women.

These scenes are somewhat horrible to watch.In this period,she fells in love with him.The film has a somewhat low quality and poorly directed. This film is a mixture of horror and fiction. This is one of the horror movies released in the year 1960.”

Reason to Watch

Some of the scenes in the movie are poorly directed but still the story is interesting.The doctor’s action is pretty good. The doctor’s ability to turn out as a monster is really surprising. But during all this process the doctor cares her a lot and determines himself to do anything to bring Stripper Jeannette Morineau a good appearance.This is really a good thing but that caring seems to be out of bounds in some scenes. The horror was also depicted neatly ,the people who like to watch horror movies can watch this.The method of his treatment caused many people to think in a different way.

Context

It was released on 19th August 1960, at Italy. This was the most horrible movies of the year 1960

Most memorable quote(s)

“They Want Your Blood … Now!” is the unforgettable quote from the film.

What you need to get through this movie

One should be courageous to watch this movie as there are many horror scenes. When the doctor directly transplants neck glands from other women it is really terrible to watch and the audience should have guts to watch such horrible scenes.

Trivia

This film is thought provoking and worth watching. This film looks good with good with horrible debugging.The doctor’s method of treatment is interesting and at the same time horrible to watch. But his caring attitude towards the lady to get her a good appearance is good.

Educational Content

The doctor’s treatment is really interesting and thought provoking. This movie should be watched by the people who want to do things differently and more creatively.

Justification for Rating

Though some scenes are of poor quality the direction went good in some of the important scenes. Some scenes are thrilling until the suspense break out. All the actors did best of their part to make the movie successful.

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A few months ago we began experimenting with Amazon’s Mechanical Turk program. Basically, what the service does is allow users to upload a set of tasks and then pay users small fees to complete the tasks. The service was designed to help folk with repetitive tasks that are pretty simple for humans, but extremely difficult for computers. Most of the tasks  are things like “Describe this picture above” or “Is the item above suitable for users under the age of 18?” Human Intelligence Tasks (HITs) are paid by the answer, normally tiny little amounts like $0.01 per HIT or something like that. I don’t know why people sign up and do this, but they do… I guess it’s slightly more productive than playing with your facebook farm during lunch. ANYWAY, we decided to try it out on content generation. The idea was that we would create HITs that were vastly more complex than the normal ones. We asked the Tukers to actually watch our movies that we store here on the site for reviews, then using our review format, write a well thought-out review. The kicker? We offered $1 per review! Now, strangely enough some of them actually came out pretty well, but that wasn’t the best part. Was was even better than the good, were the bad. Some of them were SO bad that we’ve decided to share them with you here on the site. Over the next few weeks we’ll be recording one of our interns, Mr. Adam Ballzee, try and read you some of the best of the worst, then edit and upload them for your enjoyment.

The Cultflicks.net Staff

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7. GoldenEye

Coming in at number seven is the seventeenth Bond film, Goldeneye. The reason it makes the list is simple: the end of the short-lived Timothy Dalton era and the beginning of the modern Bond age.  There’s always that suspicion between Bond films of the new guy, and Pierce Brosnan could have been a lot worse. He brought back the playfulness that had been missing with ol’ Tim. Dalton played Bond pretty dark, and the freshness of the ass-patting and silly gadgetry allowed the welcome reminiscing of the Roger Moore days. The plot wasn’t bad, the girls were hot, and the explosions had that big-budget feel.

6. Goldfinger

Hands down the winner of the best-sexual-double-entendre film award. With Miss Pussy Galore being such a cunning linguist, killing beautiful women by painting their naked bodies with gold paint, and trying to take Sean Connery with a laser, Goldfinger became the Bond movie template for future films. As the third film, it really stood out compared to the first two in being so much more about the suave secret agent rather than the story like No and Russia were. We also see the beginnings of the gadgetry that would occasionally get out of hand in the Bond series. Besides that, the film is entertaining in the purest sense, funny, clever, and action-packed.

5. Live and Let Die

Like a few of the films on this list, Live and Let Die is great because of that switch between actors playing Bond working against the odds and popular opinion. Roger Moore brought a much cheekier version of 007, twice the ass-patting, more innuendo, and hope to kids not blessed with black hair, that they can still grow up to be super spies. Live and Let Die is almost a blaxploitation flick, with fantastic stereotypical characters like Mr. Big, a jive-talking, drug-dealing brother complete with a posse of afro-sporting, heat-packing, big, bad ‘n’ black henchmen. The 8th Bond film is unusual in that our bad guy is not interested in taking over the world, but rather in expanding his heroin empire (by giving away two tons of free smack!). It’s even weirder when you consider the psychic love interest, the voodoo witchdoctors assassins, and Moore escaping crocodiles by running over their backs.

4. You Only Live Twice

Although not as good as the movies below, You Only Live Twice might be my personal favorite. I think that this is probably for a number of reasons. First, it’s set in Japan (a place I’ve been obsessed with forever, and even lived), the screenplay was written by Roald Dahl (Charlie and the Chocolate factory), it’s our first view of Ernst Stavro Blofeld’s face, and finally, it was the triadic end to the Connery Bond era. With a plot that borders on the ridiculous, You Only Live Twice is pure fun. Giant volcanic bases, spaceships that eat other spaceships, gadgets galore, and suitcase-helicopters armed to the teeth all make the fifth film the stuff that parody’s dreams are made of.

3. From Russia with Love

Possibly the most beautifully shot of the Bond films, From Russia with Love is often critiqued as the best of the series. While brilliant, it had the unfortunate luck of being the second of the Bond movies, and hence has to compete standing next to Dr. No. Still, Russia is still a phenomenal film on its own.  The relatively slow pace of the film raises the tension to that of more of a thriller than an action film. The close-quarter fight scenes on the Orient Express became a hallmark of Bond’s style and the beautiful, 1960 Miss Universe runner-up Daniela Bianchi as Tatiana makes you wish that bikinis where acceptable snow dress.

2. Casino Royale

Maybe the reason that Casino got so high on the list is it’s the newest (for a few days) of the Bonds and it did something that very few 007 movies, and indeed, most movies, manage to do – exceed expectations. Daniel Craig was actually good, and brought his own interpretation of Bondness (as they all do), but more than that, after the gaudiness of the previous few, the slickness and modernism of the film was so refreshing  that it revitalized the franchise.  Perhaps it was touching on an Ian Fleming novel (although a very liberal touch), but something about Casino Royale feels more like the older films: more charm than gadgetry, more style and explosions.

1. Dr. No

What can you really say about the film that started it all?  Dr. No gave us the gun-barrel shooting opening, the stylized, musical credits and the establishment of Bond as a man of “now” – the never changing, forty-something ladies’-man. It also gave the world one of sexiest cinematic moments when Ursula Andress walked out of the blue, Crab Key waters in that white bikini… and also probably permanently skewed my young brain toward blondes for the rest of my life. Although a lifetime apart, Casino Royale and Dr. No have that original literary feel to them, and maybe that’s why I love them so. Dr. No’s low budget (one MLLLLLLION dollars!) forced Terence Young to use style rather than explosives.

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Rocky Horror Picture Show

One of the greatest bad movies of bad movies, the cult film of cult films, Rocky has lived on in the hearts and minds of the alienated, marginalized, and gay youth of each generation since its 1975 debut. The Picture Show has become a right of passage for those who will one day become fans of the cult movie, the bizarre musical, and eventually, possibly, even sex. Of all cult movies, no other has a following quite like the sexually confused, camp-horror followers of the late night, double feature picture show. There is nothing quite like seeing a 200-lb Janet, complete with white underwear, dancing and singing in front of two-hundred overly-Zima’d virgins – if you have never been to a modern screening of Rocky, go. Go now. Take a camera – and a change of underwear – it will be the scariest Halloween experience you’ve ever had.

Beetlejuice

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! What, no ghost with the most? I guess cirrhosis will kill even the hardiest of cult movies. Tim Burton’s ability to turn almost anything he touches into something not only instantly cultish, but also beautiful, is a testament to his sick fascination with bad science fiction films and terrible horror movies. Beetlejuice is enduring, which I think is partly due to the use of Belafonte island dance numbers in a comedy movie made “in-the-style-of” a horror film, and partly because even the bad guy seems like someone you would want to share a bottle of bourbon with. Not only is Beetlejuice great to have on as background noise at your Halloween party, but it is also something with which you can kick-start your kid’s education in cult movies.

Halloween

For God’s sake, it’s called Halloween, a no-brainer for a Halloween list maker. Anyway, Halloween is not just a convenient title for selling theatre seats in October, but it was also the film that created the teen babysitter slasher cliché. Now clichés are spawned from actual memorable moments, and John Carpenter’s low budget masterpiece has become a part of Americana. Jamie Lee Curtis being terrorized by Nick Castle (the same guy who directed Dennis the Menace and Major Payne – VERY scary) in an expressionless white mask created a template for future slasher films. If you’ve ever wondered where the camera angles and female stereotypes of Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street came from, look no further – but be aware, the opening credits are terrible.

Night of the Living Dead

This 1968 George A. Romero über-classic cult film makes lethargic, brain hungry, stiff, undead, Reagan-loving nursing home rejects the scariest predators a small town in broke-ass PA has ever seen. I, personally, love zombie movies, and what better than one of the originals? But there is something that always bothers me about the whole zombie genre: they just don’t seem that tough. You would think that even decrepit old Stephen Hawking and pansy Andy Dick could fight at lest 60 or 70 of them, let alone a home full of adults including a black man (and we’re not talking black man like Sammy Davis, Jr; I mean like lock up your white women because you know if they go black they really aren’t going back, black man).

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Before Johnny Depp was swashbuckling his way into another awful Jerry Bruckheimer movie, he was dodging his way from child killer and winner of the 1984 Captain Grody Face Award. Freddy Kruger, one part wolverine, one part Edward Scissorhands (no Johnny Depp pun intended), and much like Helen Keller, is a hero to all psychotic serial killing burn victims. I think the premise of this movie should be well known to all of us so I will give you a little tip on how to make this movie really scary. I like to pop a hand full of melatonin and wash it down with a nice glass of warm milk and pray to God that I don’t crap myself.

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Jane Fonda – Barbarella

Yeah, I know. It’s Jane Fonda. Jane Fonda’s Workout Jane Fonda. But in 1968, Jane Fonda was Barbarella, and Barbarella was hot, traipsing about in her skin-tight swimsuit costumes all about outer space. Grrr!

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Linda Harrison – Planet of the Apes

First, she’s next-to-naked. Second, she never speaks. Third, she’s just plain hot. And if you don’t think so, you’re obviously a god damned dirty ape.

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Gisele Lindley – Forbidden Zone

She’s only wearing her panties in throughout the entire movie. Hell, she could be butt-ugly, but I don’t know. One just gets drawn into the fact that there is a blonde running around all over the damn place dressed only in panties and… nope, only panties.

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Kou Shibasaki – Battle Royale

I know a lot of the Quentin Tarantino fanboys were distracted by the fact that a 16-year-old Chiaki Kuriyama was in Battle Royale, but for my money, future J-Pop star Kou Shibasaki takes the cake as the sexy, cold-hearted Mitsuko Souma.

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Tura Satana – Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Okay, so I haven’t actually seen this movie, yet, but I do know that Russ Meyer and I have the same taste in women: large-breasted Asian Amazons. Then again, who doesn’t?

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Angelina Jolie – Cyborg 2

This is Angelina Jolie before she was Angelina Jolie. Before she was anorexic. And slightly before she bared-it-all in Gia. But damn it, she was still hot, as long as you forget that if you concentrate really hard, she looks just like her father, Jon Voight. Which is really creepy.

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Phoebe Legere – The Toxic Avenger Part II

Blonde and bubbly, Phoebe Legere certainly didn’t have enough screen time in this Toxie flick. Even though she later went on to be married by Hunter S. Thompson to a champion bull (look it up), Legere was the perfect compliment to Toxie’s absolute disgustingness.

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1. The Definitive Top Ten Halloween Movies

Review

With the latest movie from Kevin Smith, “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” coming out soon, I thought this would be a good time to take a look at some of the moments from the career of everybody’s favorite pot-smoking, comic book-reading, Star Wars-obsessing director, Kevin Smith.

Best

Clerks:

when Dante and Randal debate whether “Storm Troopers” are innocent bystanders when the Death Star blows up in “Return of the Jedi”.

Reason: This scene puts a hilarious twist on one of the many plot holes that plagued the Star Wars trilogy.

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Vulgar

Reason: While he did not write or direct it, Vulgar did have clown rape. Lots and lots of clown rape.

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Dogma:

Reason: A preachy and trite movie about religion. While not really that funny or insightful, it had George Carlin – so that has to be worth something, right?

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Joey Lauren Adams

Reason: Gave hope to overweight Star Wars geeks that they, too, could sleep with girls way out of their league. Only catch is you still have to be famous. Sorry.

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Worst Moments:

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back:

Reason: A garbage movie made more for them than their audience. Yes, we get that you like Star Wars and Pot.

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Mallrats:

Reason: A movie about a sad attempt at post-teenage, angst. If not for Jason Lee, this movie would have been forgettable, at best.

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Chasing Amy:

Reason: Guy meets dyke, dyke and guy fall in love, guy loses dyke. Their I just saved you two hours. You’re welcome.

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Catch and Release:

Reason: Are you freaking kidding me? Has pot become so expensive that you have to make a movie where you try to sleep with perennial white trash prom queen Juliette Lewis? On its own this movie is even bad for a chick flick

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Jersey Girl

Reason: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. ‘Nuff said…

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