CultFlicks.net » Lists

The 007 Best Bond Films

Greg — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 04:15:05 +0000

7. GoldenEye

Coming in at number seven is the seventeenth Bond film, Goldeneye. The reason it makes the list is simple: the end of the short-lived Timothy Dalton era and the beginning of the modern Bond age. There’s always that suspicion between Bond films of the new guy, and Pierce Brosnan could have been a lot worse. He brought back the playfulness that had been missing with ol’ Tim. Dalton played Bond pretty dark, and the freshness of the ass-patting and silly gadgetry allowed the welcome reminiscing of the Roger Moore days. The plot wasn’t bad, the girls were hot, and the explosions had that big-budget feel.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUNP9xrOBd4

6. Goldfinger

Hands down the winner of the best-sexual-double-entendre film award. With Miss Pussy Galore being such a cunning linguist, killing beautiful women by painting their naked bodies with gold paint, and trying to take Sean Connery with a laser, Goldfinger became the Bond movie template for future films. As the third film, it really stood out compared to the first two in being so much more about the suave secret agent rather than the story like No and Russia were. We also see the beginnings of the gadgetry that would occasionally get out of hand in the Bond series. Besides that, the film is entertaining in the purest sense, funny, clever, and action-packed.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1TmeBd9338

5. Live and Let Die

Like a few of the films on this list, Live and Let Die is great because of that switch between actors playing Bond working against the odds and popular opinion. Roger Moore brought a much cheekier version of 007, twice the ass-patting, more innuendo, and hope to kids not blessed with black hair, that they can still grow up to be super spies. Live and Let Die is almost a blaxploitation flick, with fantastic stereotypical characters like Mr. Big, a jive-talking, drug-dealing brother complete with a posse of afro-sporting, heat-packing, big, bad ‘n’ black henchmen. The 8th Bond film is unusual in that our bad guy is not interested in taking over the world, but rather in expanding his heroin empire (by giving away two tons of free smack!). It’s even weirder when you consider the psychic love interest, the voodoo witchdoctors assassins, and Moore escaping crocodiles by running over their backs.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ySyZ8-RS6g

4. You Only Live Twice

Although not as good as the movies below, You Only Live Twice might be my personal favorite. I think that this is probably for a number of reasons. First, it’s set in Japan (a place I’ve been obsessed with forever, and even lived), the screenplay was written by Roald Dahl (Charlie and the Chocolate factory), it’s our first view of Ernst Stavro Blofeld’s face, and finally, it was the triadic end to the Connery Bond era. With a plot that borders on the ridiculous, You Only Live Twice is pure fun. Giant volcanic bases, spaceships that eat other spaceships, gadgets galore, and suitcase-helicopters armed to the teeth all make the fifth film the stuff that parody’s dreams are made of.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=21poI4ZmIRU

3. From Russia with Love

Possibly the most beautifully shot of the Bond films, From Russia with Love is often critiqued as the best of the series. While brilliant, it had the unfortunate luck of being the second of the Bond movies, and hence has to compete standing next to Dr. No. Still, Russia is still a phenomenal film on its own. The relatively slow pace of the film raises the tension to that of more of a thriller than an action film. The close-quarter fight scenes on the Orient Express became a hallmark of Bond’s style and the beautiful, 1960 Miss Universe runner-up Daniela Bianchi as Tatiana makes you wish that bikinis where acceptable snow dress.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqAOf66o1Wg

2. Casino Royale

Maybe the reason that Casino got so high on the list is it’s the newest (for a few days) of the Bonds and it did something that very few 007 movies, and indeed, most movies, manage to do – exceed expectations. Daniel Craig was actually good, and brought his own interpretation of Bondness (as they all do), but more than that, after the gaudiness of the previous few, the slickness and modernism of the film was so refreshing that it revitalized the franchise. Perhaps it was touching on an Ian Fleming novel (although a very liberal touch), but something about Casino Royale feels more like the older films: more charm than gadgetry, more style and explosions.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fl5WHj0bZ2Q

1. Dr. No

What can you really say about the film that started it all? Dr. No gave us the gun-barrel shooting opening, the stylized, musical credits and the establishment of Bond as a man of “now” – the never changing, forty-something ladies’-man. It also gave the world one of sexiest cinematic moments when Ursula Andress walked out of the blue, Crab Key waters in that white bikini… and also probably permanently skewed my young brain toward blondes for the rest of my life. Although a lifetime apart, Casino Royale and Dr. No have that original literary feel to them, and maybe that’s why I love them so. Dr. No’s low budget (one MLLLLLLION dollars!) forced Terence Young to use style rather than explosives.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAu20TEk-ag

No related posts.

The Definitive Top Ten Halloween Movies

Casey — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 04:23:38 +0000

Rocky Horror Picture Show

One of the greatest bad movies of bad movies, the cult film of cult films, Rocky has lived on in the hearts and minds of the alienated, marginalized, and gay youth of each generation since its 1975 debut. The Picture Show has become a right of passage for those who will one day become fans of the cult movie, the bizarre musical, and eventually, possibly, even sex. Of all cult movies, no other has a following quite like the sexually confused, camp-horror followers of the late night, double feature picture show. There is nothing quite like seeing a 200-lb Janet, complete with white underwear, dancing and singing in front of two-hundred overly-Zima’d virgins – if you have never been to a modern screening of Rocky, go. Go now. Take a camera – and a change of underwear – it will be the scariest Halloween experience you’ve ever had.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdu7xoHU9DA

Beetlejuice

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! What, no ghost with the most? I guess cirrhosis will kill even the hardiest of cult movies. Tim Burton’s ability to turn almost anything he touches into something not only instantly cultish, but also beautiful, is a testament to his sick fascination with bad science fiction films and terrible horror movies. Beetlejuice is enduring, which I think is partly due to the use of Belafonte island dance numbers in a comedy movie made “in-the-style-of” a horror film, and partly because even the bad guy seems like someone you would want to share a bottle of bourbon with. Not only is Beetlejuice great to have on as background noise at your Halloween party, but it is also something with which you can kick-start your kid’s education in cult movies.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUqtC1oiztw

Halloween

For God’s sake, it’s called Halloween, a no-brainer for a Halloween list maker. Anyway, Halloween is not just a convenient title for selling theatre seats in October, but it was also the film that created the teen babysitter slasher cliché. Now clichés are spawned from actual memorable moments, and John Carpenter’s low budget masterpiece has become a part of Americana. Jamie Lee Curtis being terrorized by Nick Castle (the same guy who directed Dennis the Menace and Major Payne – VERY scary) in an expressionless white mask created a template for future slasher films. If you’ve ever wondered where the camera angles and female stereotypes of Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street came from, look no further – but be aware, the opening credits are terrible.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GavVnUPpOjo

Night of the Living Dead

This 1968 George A. Romero über-classic cult film makes lethargic, brain hungry, stiff, undead, Reagan-loving nursing home rejects the scariest predators a small town in broke-ass PA has ever seen. I, personally, love zombie movies, and what better than one of the originals? But there is something that always bothers me about the whole zombie genre: they just don’t seem that tough. You would think that even decrepit old Stephen Hawking and pansy Andy Dick could fight at lest 60 or 70 of them, let alone a home full of adults including a black man (and we’re not talking black man like Sammy Davis, Jr; I mean like lock up your white women because you know if they go black they really aren’t going back, black man).

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mkKfUNiXRI

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Before Johnny Depp was swashbuckling his way into another awful Jerry Bruckheimer movie, he was dodging his way from child killer and winner of the 1984 Captain Grody Face Award. Freddy Kruger, one part wolverine, one part Edward Scissorhands (no Johnny Depp pun intended), and much like Helen Keller, is a hero to all psychotic serial killing burn victims. I think the premise of this movie should be well known to all of us so I will give you a little tip on how to make this movie really scary. I like to pop a hand full of melatonin and wash it down with a nice glass of warm milk and pray to God that I don’t crap myself.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4JwoAg0jnA

The 7 Hottest Girls of Cult Cinema

Casey — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 01:57:26 +0000

Jane Fonda – Barbarella

Yeah, I know. It’s Jane Fonda. Jane Fonda’s Workout Jane Fonda. But in 1968, Jane Fonda was Barbarella, and Barbarella was hot, traipsing about in her skin-tight swimsuit costumes all about outer space. Grrr!

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwNEnh9uaM

Linda Harrison – Planet of the Apes

First, she’s next-to-naked. Second, she never speaks. Third, she’s just plain hot. And if you don’t think so, you’re obviously a god damned dirty ape.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=8flBBNWEiMA

Gisele Lindley – Forbidden Zone

She’s only wearing her panties in throughout the entire movie. Hell, she could be butt-ugly, but I don’t know. One just gets drawn into the fact that there is a blonde running around all over the damn place dressed only in panties and… nope, only panties.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6W7gB9AMfec

Kou Shibasaki – Battle Royale

I know a lot of the Quentin Tarantino fanboys were distracted by the fact that a 16-year-old Chiaki Kuriyama was in Battle Royale, but for my money, future J-Pop star Kou Shibasaki takes the cake as the sexy, cold-hearted Mitsuko Souma.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMkN1KMXk6w

Tura Satana – Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Okay, so I haven’t actually seen this movie, yet, but I do know that Russ Meyer and I have the same taste in women: large-breasted Asian Amazons. Then again, who doesn’t?

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaUwi2W26pg

Angelina Jolie – Cyborg 2

This is Angelina Jolie before she was Angelina Jolie. Before she was anorexic. And slightly before she bared-it-all in Gia. But damn it, she was still hot, as long as you forget that if you concentrate really hard, she looks just like her father, Jon Voight. Which is really creepy.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHpcG-aH_II

Phoebe Legere – The Toxic Avenger Part II

Blonde and bubbly, Phoebe Legere certainly didn’t have enough screen time in this Toxie flick. Even though she later went on to be married by Hunter S. Thompson to a champion bull (look it up), Legere was the perfect compliment to Toxie’s absolute disgustingness.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMd44JdWuOc

Top 5 Best and Worst Kevin Smith Moments

Steve — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 04:56:06 +0000

Review

With the latest movie from Kevin Smith, “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” coming out soon, I thought this would be a good time to take a look at some of the moments from the career of everybody’s favorite pot-smoking, comic book-reading, Star Wars-obsessing director, Kevin Smith.

Best

Clerks:

when Dante and Randal debate whether “Storm Troopers” are innocent bystanders when the Death Star blows up in “Return of the Jedi”.

Reason: This scene puts a hilarious twist on one of the many plot holes that plagued the Star Wars trilogy.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6lzEhoXads

Vulgar

Reason: While he did not write or direct it, Vulgar did have clown rape. Lots and lots of clown rape.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sa9pKVo9bN8

Dogma:

Reason: A preachy and trite movie about religion. While not really that funny or insightful, it had George Carlin – so that has to be worth something, right?

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BEZaPN8gUY

Joey Lauren Adams

Reason: Gave hope to overweight Star Wars geeks that they, too, could sleep with girls way out of their league. Only catch is you still have to be famous. Sorry.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMJXADJWZBI

Worst Moments:

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back:

Reason: A garbage movie made more for them than their audience. Yes, we get that you like Star Wars and Pot.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_7HVcYjM3Y

Mallrats:

Reason: A movie about a sad attempt at post-teenage, angst. If not for Jason Lee, this movie would have been forgettable, at best.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfVVjpVZP8I

Chasing Amy:

Reason: Guy meets dyke, dyke and guy fall in love, guy loses dyke. Their I just saved you two hours. You’re welcome.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7ITfUxcScA

Catch and Release:

Reason: Are you freaking kidding me? Has pot become so expensive that you have to make a movie where you try to sleep with perennial white trash prom queen Juliette Lewis? On its own this movie is even bad for a chick flick

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZBbP81mSD0

Jersey Girl

Reason: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. ‘Nuff said…

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKIqeFj4GG0

No related posts.

5 Movies Better Left as Video Games

Steve — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 14:45:32 +0000

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, while maybe not so awful it would make you want rip out your eyes with wasabi-tipped chopsticks, it is most certainly way overhyped. Even A-list celebrities (Alec Baldwin, Ving Rhames, and Steve Buscemi) and state of the art CGI aren’t enough to make this movie watchable more than once. A bland story line that’s not up to par with any of the games makes me wish that I hadn’t doled out my eight bucks to see this in the theater.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnE64DbnUzY

Street Fighter: The Movie

This movie is so bad that I truly believe that it killed my beloved Raul Julia. If you have ever played the Street Fighter series, you already know the plot. A couple of gay guys in their blue and red karate outfits “hadouken” their way in and out of trouble with one-eyed warlords and eccentric generals obsessed with the love of world damnation (domination?) and super-science. Somehow a star at the time, the very Belgian and also probably very gay Jean-Claude Van Damme plays the Super American “Colonel Guile”. Much like the game, when this is on I have to watch but then soon realize why I hate it – it just goes on and on with no point, fighting the same fight, and doing the same damn cheat moves. DAMN YOU RYU!!!!!!

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=avXsM2n2oqg

Double Dragon

Ah, 1994. A great time! Clinton was in the White House, Phil Hartman was still alive, and Kurt Cobain’s head was splattered all over his garage. What wasn’t great was the live-action movie of one of the greatest NES games of all time. The Double Dragon movie is so bad that anytime I even hear about it, I force carnal thoughts of Cloris Leachman upon myself just to get the thought of it out of my mind. The only thing that saves this from being the worst video game movie ever is Alyssa Milano and the creepy burn victim Bo Abobo saying, “Wut Up Chikin Butt?”.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qa8eF3VLDsE

Super Mario Brothers

Here’s an idea: take the most iconic video game franchise ever and see what happens if we let the guys who brought us Max Headroom make a movie out of it and see what happens. I’ll tell you what will happen: it will suck, and not just in that “Hey, did you just see that Adam Sandler movie?” way. I mean really suck, like you’re stuck in line for the bathroom at an all-you-can-eat taco bar and the guy in front of you is Louie Anderson. Nothing in this movie made any sense. Dennis Hopper was freaking King Koopa. The studio would have done better if they went to a costume store, bought a Godzilla outfit, and paid a bum with Olde English 800 and McRib sandwiches to run around saying “Rawww”. I would rather go to an autoerotic asphyxiation party with Patty Hurst and the guys from INXS than have to watch this again.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cd-h8q-C58k

Mortal Kombat 2: Annihilation

This is it! Not only the worst video game movie I have ever seen, it’s in the running for worst movie ever made. Mortal Kombat 2 is so bad that it is said it was used as a torture device at Guantanamo Bay until it was deemed too cruel for human viewing. While I have no proof of this, I think the director stole 80% of the budget and ran to Mexico for a huge Coke party and left his duties to a 9-year-old Filipino Down’s syndrome kid on twenty hits of acid. While in theory this may sound like a way to get a box office smash, in practice, it’s not so good. May death come swiftly to those who watch this.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HbNLiR1trY

10 Bad Movies You Didn’t Know You Loved

Greg — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 03:23:51 +0000

The Giant Gila Monster

What sets this classic 50s Sci-Fi fiasco apart from other giant monster movies is its complete lack of respect for the laws of the giant monster movie. Rule 1: Giant Monsters come from a complete disregard for the laws of nature. This is where the moral of the story comes in – don’t pollute, clone, or mongrelize the races, or a 40-foot tall salamander will eat your family. This rule is broken by simply not explaining where the Gila Monster came from, what it wants, and how to reverse the science that created it. Rule 2: Keep the monster mysterious. Well, the opening scene shows the angry man in the lizard suit, so that’s right out. Rule 3: Get another monster to kill it. Our hero, Chase, kills the monster by driving a 50s hotrod stuffed with nitroglycerin into the beast – of course.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=siRaaXczANo

The Toxic Avenger II

Simply one of the greatest bad movies of all time! Troma outdid themselves with a 10-minute opening fight scene where the world’s greatest, hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength from New Jersey beats, blends, crushes, and rips apart a random assortment of stereotypes before traveling to Japan (by windsurfing) to find his dad. Toxie, as his friends call him, an ex-janitor, travels to Tokyo and learns the finer points of Japanese life and culture. He bathes in a traditional Japanese sento (bath house), eats shabu-shabu, and fights evil. I would strongly recommend drinking large quantities of sake and Drano® for this one.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sbBFROaJ-k

Brain Damage

If you ever find yourself attached to a brain-eating worm that looks like a penis and enjoys bad jokes, then Brain Damage is perfect for you. Did I mention he injects LSD and happiness directly into your spinal column? Complete with violence, exploding heads, anonymous sex in back alleys, and something that was either another exploding head or a Buddha-style enlightenment moment. The shear simplicity of the plot (as far as LSD injecting, brain eating worm plots can be simple) will leave you feeling spiritually in touch… or possibly wanting to jab a cheese knife in your ear – one or the other.

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyXbjg1zdD4

Dead Alive

Possibly the bloodiest movie ever, this early Peter Jackson film is brilliant beyond your wildest dreams, especially if you only know him from those Lord of the Rings films. Look out for an especially disgusting scene that will change the way you look at custard forever, and the murder of hundreds of zombies with a gas-powered lawn mower. And a zombie pastor screwing a zombie nurse. And an partially-digested dog. And…

Clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxcyAkSQKZw

Forbidden Zone

This musical gem gets forgotten when compared to the slightly less awesome Rocky Horror Picture Show, but it’s worth seeking out. This movie absolutely has it all: drugs, alcohol, sex, tits, violence, love, jealousy, Satan, giant frogs, midgets, jock straps, blackface, stockings, blood, decapitations, chickens… Too bad it doesn’t get its just rewards as the greatest cult musical of all time!