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Ah, clowns. For all of the joy and laughter they attempt to bring to children and adults alike, one just cannot help but be creeped out by them. Perhaps it’s the incessant, unwavering smile; it makes it impossible to gauge their emotions, so we see them as sociopathic machines. Maybe it’s the ingrained fear that they are all John Wayne Gacy under the white face and red nose. Regardless of the reason, clowns are fucking scary, and Director Marcus Koch takes advantage of this fact in his 2007 film, 100 Tears.
Gurdy is the king badass of your killer clown genre. Using a cartoon-sized meat cleaver, he out-butchers Pennywise, the Killer Klowns from Outer Space, and Pogo the Clown combined, and within the first quarter of the movie. Killing with indifference, Gurdy mercilessly disembowels girls, slaughters invalids, and tortures teens for the length of the movie. And it never gets old.
Sure, there’s more story to the story (something about tabloid reporters and midgets), but 100 Tears’ true brilliance shines through in the relentless blood-letting and the quite believable and disgusting special effects and makeup. No CGI here, kids; this movie is filled with good, old-fashioned latex-head decapitations and fake-blood bonanzas.

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Believe it or not kids, there was once a day when porn was not a mouse click away. Back in those days, we had to find other ways to see boobs, and horror films provided that opportunity. I remember the joys seeing “The Hunger” for the first time, that sexy section of video took some wear and tear I can tell you. So why this relevant? “Werewolf Woman” is basically a softcore porn film masquerading as a horror. The film starts off with a naked woman dancing around a fire before she turns into a werewolf and kills some people.

Flash forward to the “modern” day where distant relative Daniella Neseri (Annik Borel), having been recently raped, now makes an emotional connection to her family’s past before going on a killing spree which includes a lot of the biting out of men’s’ throats. She does not actually turn into a were-wolf; she just acts like one. She is, however, cured when she falls in love with a stuntman. They run along sandy beaches and they laugh and blah blah blah as he jumps through windows and crashes burning motorcycles. Fortunately, before it turns into the prequel to The Notebook, she is raped by three men and her boyfriend is killed. This sets her off again and she ends up in an asylum – typical. This is campy 70’s horror with bright red blood and loads of pointless nudity. Best of all, it’s based on a true story, but any similarities between anyone living or dead is apparently purely coincidental.

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If I told you that a movie had blood, guts, gore, and a Playboy model, you would probably be pretty excited, right? Don’t pull your pants down just yet: Blood Feast is an abomination of all that is horrific.

Fuad Ramses is the proprietor of an Egyptian catering business when said Playmate’s mom rings up and asks him to prepare something… different. Ramses, of course, suggests something… Egyptian: an Egyptian Feast! Little does any know (although they should, given that they explain to everyone at every chance possible exactly what an Egyptian Feast consists of), all of the murders that have been happening lately are just Ramses collecting the ingredients for said feast. Good thing your typical Keystone Cops are on the case (yeesh!). Read the rest of this entry »

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Poor fellow Henry Spencer has knocked up Mary X and her insane parents insist that he now has to do the right thing. The only problem is, the baby is a weird mutant sheep thing, incessantly crying and getting a disgustiing cough every ten seconds. Yech!! What’s a guy to do but escape into a fantasy world of, well, imaginary seed pod worms, gigantic sperm, and mash potato-cheeked singing whores? That’s what, I guess.

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This 1959 Roger Corman film is a great example of B-Movies gone good. Walter Paisley is an inept artist working as a busboy at The Yellow Door, the heppest beatnik club around. When he accidentally kills his landlord’s cat, inspiration strikes and his fame is assured. Read the rest of this entry »