Fantasy

Review of Edward Scissorhands

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Rating: ★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

The movie starts off with this old man in a castle. He was a lonely old man who wanted somebody to use as his sex slave so he created a son. Now, not only did the thought of incest turn him on, but this old man was a real S & M fan as well. He made the sons hands from blades, hoping to finally reach the ultimate orgasm. In the excitement of seeing his creation coming to life, the old man croaked. Now, down in the valley was a goody goody Mrs. Cleaver type woman who found Edward Scissorhands and decided she needed to fill the empty void in her life so she took him home. Edward falls in love with her daughter, which was doomed from the start. All the neighbors must have been sadist as well, because they just can’t wait for him to put his blades all over them. He ends up killing the daughters boyfriend and gets sent back to the castle where he learns fairly quickly that masturbation really isn’t an option.

Reason to Watch

You want to punish your son and show him what you can do to his hands if he keeps jizzin’ all over your sheets.

Context

Pretty sure Michael Jackson was the fashion and beauty director on set.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • Edward: “I’m not finished”
  • “We are looking for the man with the hands”
Trivia
  • Johnny Depp only says 169 words the entire movie
  • Tom Cruise, Jim Carrey and Robert Downey Jr were considered for the roll
  • Vincent Price died after appearing in this movie, making his last appearance on screen a death scene
Educational Content

Stay out of castles, never trust a man who has blades for hands with your daughter, and there are much better ways for sadist to satisfy themselves than  building a boy toy.

Justification for Rating

There is no justification for this movie, I gave it a 3 because I liked the ice sculptures.

Clip

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Fantasy

Review of Little Otik

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Little OtikRating: ★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

Little Otik is not your traditional fantasy film. From Czech (and if you’re already wondering what and where that is you’re missing the point) Little Otik is about a middle-aged couple with no children. When husband Karel Horák finds a tree stump that looks slightly like a child he brings it home. The couple begin shaping the stump into a child and treat it as such, and then…things happen. The film isn’t for everyone, and based on that synopsis you may discredit it at something wacky from the Czech, “Oh those silly natives!” Not only is that weird and potentially racist, it’s also unfair. Little Otik is a bizarre film, but one that is oddly heartwarming. So if you have a conscious, or a heart that isn’t melted with cold black stiffness, Little Otik may be quite the viewing experience.

Reason to Watch

If I can think of one singular reason to watch it, it’s because it’s from Czech and you owe it to yourself to watch at least ONE film from the country.

Context

The Czech isn’t known for their mainstream appeal, yet Little Otik’s cult following is justified, for it’s bizarre oddities isn’t for the sake of being weird “to be weird” but actually helps craft a touching fairy tale for those who can suspend their belief and entering a fantasy world without expecting Tom Cruise trolls, or unicorns.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • He wanted to touch me again.
  • If it’s going to be chocolate, it’s got to be Charon!
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

Your full attention baby, cause this one has got…subtitles!

Educational Content
  • If you can’t make a baby the traditional way, make one with a machete and some crafting tools. These types pee less, whine less, and never steal your wallet or stick their fingers in electrical outlets
Justification for Rating

Little Otik is simply too much for many film fans to handle. it’s almost entirely unrelatable, and is based on an obscure fairy tale. Yet, if you find peculiar films enticing, Little Otik is a foreign gem not worth missing.

Clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oT45Gmv1Pv4

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Fantasy

Review of The Phantom Planet

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The Phantom PlanetRating: ★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

Imagine little people fighting big hungry invaders.Now imagine hero astronaut who comes to save the day. Thats Phantom Planet; well almost. When an astronaut is forced to make a crash landing on a remote astroid he gets more than he bargain for. In order to survive the astonaut must wonder out his spaceship and breath the air on this astroid. Breathing the air has drastic consequences for the astronaut as he discovers he’s shrinking. Shruken to a measley 6 inches he soons finds out that he’s not alone; as there are other wee little people on the astroid with him. These wee little people inform him of there fate; the battle against the scary Solarites. The Solarites are creatures who wish to eat the wee little people. Our hero and the wee little people who have turned the astroid into a spaceship forge a battle against the evil Solarites. And of course, fall in love along the way.

Reason to Watch

There is nothing ike a cheap science fiction movie where all care and concern for accuracy is thrown out the window.The Phantom Planet is one movie where all concern for truth and reality was left on the doorstep. However, the movie is a great sci fi movie. It has action and even a love story. The pig faced Solarites are funny looking and I don’t know about you but every time I saw the wee little people I couldn’t help but think about the dwarves in The Wizard of Oz. Sure you can’t help but laugh at some of the corny lines that were written but hey thats what makes the movie so much fun. The sound efects even remind you a western shootout while the fight scenes are almost comical. The women are straight out of the sixties movie era; over flowing with lust fill eyes at the male lead. The goofs are obvious; for instance, the lead star in one scene looks at his wrist for the time even though he has no watch.

Context

The movie was made in the early sixities when America and the world was entering the space race. Everyone had dreams of what outer space held and Hollywood was ready to fuel there interest. Did it matter if Hollywood got it right? No, the only thing that the average movie goer was concerned about was good entertainment and Hollywood was prepaired to feed the hungry masses.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

Here are some best lines from the movie that am sure you’ll find funny and deeply moving. “You know Captain, every year of my life I grow more and more convinced that the wiset and the best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful. If you just take the time to lok at it.” Is this not dramatic writing. The Oscars were awaiting

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

First, don’t attempt to watch this movie alone I suggsest four to six close friends who share your worst tendencies. Why the need for a group? Well your going to need someone to help you finish all that beer am going to tell you to buy. Phantom Planet can be tedious at times like pulling teeth; yet, so corny that you can’t stop watching. Have you ever pass a car weak and just couldn’t pull your attention away? Phantom Planet will grab your attention in the same way. You won’t to turn away but can’t. And don’t forget that with a large group of friends you’ll always have someone to turn off the television if you drift of into space.

Trivia

Included in the cast of Phantom Planet are some legendary actors. Richard Kiel, known for his charater (Jaws) in the seventies James Bond action movies plays an evil giant Slorarite out to devour the citizens of Phantom Planet.

Educational Content

1. I never knew that breathing air could change your whole molecular make up and turn you into a wee little person.
2. Never knew that one could walk in outer space unteathered.
3. Check out the spaceship that takes off straight up into space but lands on it’s side.
4. Or a people so advance with space technology yet still live in caves and have no social graces.

Justification for Rating

Even though this movie is comical the film is still a crowd pleaser as it tries to entertain us with science fiction fantasy and action . Within the movie you can see the rise of the future science fiction shows like Star Trek.

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