Action

Review of Oldboy

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Oldboy Korean PosterRating: ★★★★★★★★☆☆

Review

Are you in a good mood? Are you feeling relatively happy and content with life and where you are headed? This ridiculously depressing film is just for you! Oldboy is about a man who is locked in a room for 15 years. He is then released and has absolutely no idea why that has happened to him, and through the course of the film, attempts revenge on the people who did it. There are some major plot developments in the film I wanted spoil here because I am not a dick, but Oldboy is truly in a class all its own. Park Chan-Wook is famous, and much of that has to do with the execution and sheer contextual style of this film. Simply a great piece of film, through and through.

Reason to Watch

There is an uninterrupted one-shot fight scene that spans a corridor and various minutes. It’s a phenomenal piece of film, and is now considered classic.

Context

Oldboy sets a tone, and delivers wildly throughout the entire run. it climaxes in something so intense it begs to be watched without a gaping jaw. Oldboy is spectacular in almost all components, and its thematic elements are strong.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • Dae-su Oh: Even though I’m no more than a monster – don’t I, too, have the right to live? 
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

Thick skin, an empty stomach, and a bizarre attraction to 16 year old Asian girls.

Trivia
  • Oldboy is planning to be remade by Spike Lee for an expected 2013 release
  • Oldboy is considered the second part of a thematic trilogy, preceded by Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance and followed by Sympathy for Lady Vengeance, all directed by Park Chan-wook
Educational Content

If you are locked in a room for 15 years, you will develop unparalleled martial arts skills

If you are going to cut off your tongue, you better have a good damn reason

Justification for Rating

We’ll let the critiques speak for the film- it’s unanimously considered a legendary piece of film-making, and its structured oh so well.

Clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ufss5ot_vGE

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Action

Review of The Warriors

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The Warriors CoverRating: ★★★★★★☆☆☆☆

Review

Gang warfare. it’s not always very pleasant (never is) but it does make for some great film-making. The television show The Wire handled it superbly and proved that being in a gang totally sucks. The thing is, and the Warriors preaches this well- gangs offer you protection, a protection that is only necessary if you are in a gang. The Warriors follows a few key gangs in New York City in the late 70’s. It’s also a no-holds-barred event of club beating, arrests, and getting the absolutel shit beat out of you. The ending? They all lose.

Reason to Watch

Urban kids beat the hell out of each other for no discernible reason. It’s a classic!

Context

The Warriors is awfully dated, but it captures a ruthlessness very few films have captured since in the gang livelihood. it’s also unintentionally hysterical, which gives the film legs.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • Ajax: [to Swan] Since when are you a fuckin’ diplomat? 
  • Ajax: Maybe you’re all just goin’ faggot. 
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

A bat, to act out your favorite scenes as they play out

Trivia
  • The name Ajax came after the Greek Warrior.
  • Filming during the scene with the Orphans was interrupted by a police chase.
  • Filming was allowed to take place uninterrupted all night, a first.
Educational Content

All female gangs are the toughest, don’t pretend they aren’t

Justification for Rating

The Warriors has some classic bad vs. bad vs. morally gray stories played out in an arena called New York City. It’s fresh, new- a 6 rating.

Clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0P6MqHccBSI

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Action

Review of Coffy

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Coffy

Coffy

 

 

Rating: ★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Reason to Watch

“Coffy” is one of many blaxploitation movies that Pam Grier starred in during the 1970s. She’s beautiful and occasionally believable, but most people just want to see her do her thing. Her thing is generally killing bad guys while looking good in a jumpsuit.

In “Coffy”, Pam plays an upstanding but no-nonsense nurse (named Coffy) who works hard and loves her little sister. The sister gets involved in drugs and gets hold of some bad heroin. This gets Coffy seriously pissed and she puts on her Killin’ People  jumpsuit, hides various and sundry weapons in her afro and hits the streets.  The rest of the movie consists of her running around the city shooting people with her shotgun. It’s fun.

Context

This is the era that brought us “Shaft” and Pam Grier was often called “The Female Shaft.”

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • Coffy: (rubbing a bad guy’s crotch) Are you sure you’re not just a little black?
  • Coffy:  It was easy for him because he really didn’t believe it was comin’, but it ain’t gonna be easy for you, because you better believe it’s comin’!
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

A love of the 1970s will do you great service. The clothes, the music and the slang are a ton of fun.

Trivia

It was Pam’s idea to hide weapons in her rather impressive afro.

The head bad guy’s house actually belonged to Roy Rogers, who would probably put his own jumpsuit on if he knew.

Educational Content
  • If you’re a bad guy about to kill an avenging woman, don’t believe her when she says she’d like to hook up before you do her in.
  • Bad guys always believe avenging women when they say they want to hook up before being done in.
Justification for Rating

It’s funny (mostly unintentionally but sometimes not) and it’s retro.

Clip:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jVAIitIP-4

 

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Action

Review of Demolition Man

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Demolition ManRating: ★★★★★★★★★☆

Review

Demolition Man is one of the most relentless action movies not starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Before Steven Seagal made it cool, Wesley Snipes was killing innocent people left and right. Ok, not really, but Demolition Man is relentless, fast-paced, and totally MAN. There’s enough testosterone hear to fill a pool, which only barely makes sense, just like the science-fiction future plot lines threading through the whole first half of this movie. but when you realize it doesn’t have to make sense, and Sylvester Stallone is going to crack a skull, the movie becomes entirely clear- we are seeing action film at its best. Demolition Man is probably an hour and a half longer than it needs to be, but there is something truly special about a white man and a black man duking it out for the future of the races- in the future! that IS what this thing is about right?

Reason to Watch

Sandra Bullock is actually attractive here. Oh, and the final sequence is one of the best things ever put on film next to the middle half of Gone With the Wind, another relentless action flick.

Context

Demolition Man is stupidly awesome, and the best thing ever,  and if you want proof, look at the list of actors and the director, who has directed this movie ONLY and not another before or since.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • John Spartan: You’re gonna regret this the rest of your life… both seconds of it. 
  • Simon Phoenix: Wait a minute, this is the future. Where are all the phaser guns? 
  • Boggle Guard: Mellow greetings. What seems to be your boggle?
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

Three cases of beer, a dead shark wrestled with your bare hands, and a pet grizzly bear who feeds you cake and recites lines all Stallone’s lines

Trivia

Sylvester Stallone wanted the Simon Phoenix character to be played by Jackie Chan. Chan refused, since Asian audiences don’t like the idea of actors who have always played heroes suddenly playing evil characters

The “ray gun” used by Wesley Snipes in the Museum Armory sequence is based on the Heckler and Koch G11, a prototype weapon for the German army that would have been the most advanced rifle in the world, firing caseless ammunition

Educational Content

Being frozen for 44 years has awkward side effects

Jackie Chan can’t play a villian

John Spartan, the name, induces immediate fear

Justification for Rating

No matter how you cut it, Demolition Man is pure badassery and unrelentingly violent and borderline misogynistic- hence the 9 rating

Clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCagn9-OUQk

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Action

Review of Orca, The Killer Whale

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Orca, the Killer Whale movie poster

Rating: ★★★★★☆☆☆☆☆

Review

Orca, the Killer Whale is a heartwarming tale of a killer whale and the captain that killed his mate. A new spin on Moby Dick, it features Richard Harris (known as the first Dumbledore to Harry Potter fans) trying to outsmart a pissed off killer whale.

Reason to Watch

The fine acting by the killer whale, squawking in horror as his dying mate gives premature birth to a rubber whale fetus, is a performance for the ages, and was sadly ignored by the Academy that year.

Context

In the great Hollywood tradition, this scientific travesty of a movie was green lit in an attempt to cash in on the popularity of Jaws. The human acting is questionable, effects are decent, and you can tell when they are shooting captive whales in tanks. Produced by one of the high kings of 70’s and 80’s cheese, Dino De Laurentis, this is a pungent offering for fans of animal horror.

Most Memorable Quote(s)
  • It is known that they have great memory and, even after many years, they will always remember the human being who has tried to harm them.
  • But you’ll murder him – you’ll sit here safe on the jetty, and shoot him through the eye? You’re not a man, you’re an animal! Its creatures like you science should be observing!
What You Need to Get Through This Movie

I did just fine with a bottle of spiced rum. Taking a shot every time they show a closeup of the whale’s mournful eye will get you loaded within an hour.

Trivia

In the mid-80s, Dino De Laurentiis considered a sequel to King Kong that would have had him going head-to-head with an Orca.

Educational Content
  • Killer whales are vengeful dicks, who will eat Bo Derek’s leg to teach you a lesson.
Justification for Rating

Vague references to Native American mysticism, vengeful sea mammals and a score by Ennio Morricone make for an entertaining, one-time experience. Sadly, as in most cases, the movie is nowhere near as epic as the poster.

Clip

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