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Review Mortal Kombat

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Year: 1995 - Runtime: 101 min. - Director: Paul W.S. Anderson - Writer(s): Kevin Droney
Country: USA - Language: English - Parental Guide: PG-13 - Color: Color

Rating: ★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆

Review

A homosexual sorceress with perfect hair and an affinity for buff young men puts on a masturbatory homage to street fighting, with a tropic twist. The greatest fighters in world not named Chuck Norris or Gary Coleman set forth to do battle to the death in order to save the earth. Mortal Kombat will take you to places you were pretty sure they would go, but with the help of the hottest 10,000 year old chick you will ever see they just might be able to pull off the greatest up set known to man.

Reason to Watch

Have you ever watch a softcore porn and said, “Hell, I wish they would just stop having sex and break out into a totally unrealistic fight scene?” If so, Mortal Kombat will give you the pleasure of those “late night movie channels” without the sticky clean up.

Context

1995 was a transitional time for video game graphics, where, in only a few years, Mortal Kombat video games would look and sound way better than the movie. Thank you PlayStation!

Most memorable quote(s)

“Those were $500 sunglasses, asshole!”
“I am going to shoot myself for being in your movie!”
“Finish Him!”

What you need to get through this movie

Freebasing peppermint patties is suggested for getting all the way through this movie. Not only will it enhance your experience, it will leave you with minty fresh breath!

Trivia

Sonya Blade (Bridgette Leann Wilson) is married to tennis pro Pete Sampras.
Won BMI Film Music Award

Educational Content
  1. Modesty shorts are no substitute for a strong athletic cup.
  2. Sibling squabbles don’t seem that important after your soul has been digested.
  3. Never, ever ask an Asian to park your car or put up your luggage.
  4. No matter what world you live in, the lovable black guy always dies
Justification for Rating

The mid 90’s brought us some of the worst video game movies the world has ever seen. If Double Dragon wasn’t bad enough film makers also came out with Street Fighter. This was so bad that it give Raul Juila cancer and luckly killed him before it destroyed his career. By using these two used tampons of motion picture as competition, Mortal Kombat is a watchable flick (by “watchable” I mean more like that time you drank a pint of Natural Citrus Listerine® at the Sadie Hawkins Dance and let that ugly chick give you a hand job.) It’s ok, just don’t let ever one know that. Mortal Kombat has everything a nostalgic twenty-somthing could ask for on a boring night.

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4 Responses to “Review Mortal Kombat”

  1. Casey Says:

    Once a soul is digested, what happens to the waste? Is there an ethereal toilet of some sort?

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  2. Greg Says:

    Wasted hours as a kid playing the game, wasted 90 minutes as an adult rewatching this garbage!

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  3. Steve Says:

    As bad as this one was, part 2 is a million times worse. I am not looking for doing that one

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  4. Optimus008 Says:

    Hell the sound track for this movie was all the rage when I was a kid.

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